Shavua Tov Od HaPa'am

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Syag LeChochmah Shtikah -

Silence is a Protective Fence for Wisdom

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"If silence is only a protective fence for wisdom, what does wisdom itself consist of?

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Wisdom consists of the ability to communicate even in silence. There are, unfortunately, incidents when people suffer tragic losses. Many people avoid the bereaved person because they are ill at ease in the mourner's presence. What can one say to a mourning parent who has, G-d forbid, lost a child to illness or accident? Because people feel awkward about having nothing to say, they tend to stay away.

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The stricken person needs the tiny bit of solace that he can derive from others empathizing with him. There is no need to say anything. Do not avoid a suffering person just because you feel you have nothing to say. Your being there is a communication that you care."

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- Rabbi Abraham Twerski,

Living Each Day, 1988, pg. 303

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I often think about and sometimes share the thought cited above. I think it that one of the most important lessons in life is to learn how important it is to be with someone, whether or no words or exchanged. Many times the fact is that words aren't wanted or needed and the lack of them is nothing negative, but not being there is a negative. I have found that adolescents in particular (though no human doesn't like some company) like to have adults near by but an arms length away and not speaking.

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Two months ago I wrote (fifth paragraph of this post) about a man with Parkinson's disease who shared with me about his experiences. He is nonplussed with the medical profession. As he sees it they are more open to prescription medication than to caring and healing. He once called his (former) doctor and left a message asking what the doctor knew and thought about a new, not yet approved, medication. The secretary called back and said that the doctor told her to tell him that it's not FDA approved and that he shouldn't take it. My friend was furious. When he finally spoke to the doctor directly and the doctor continued to not answer his question he told the doctor that the doctor's response was one that my friend might give to someone else, if it wasn't he who had the ailment, and he didn't like the other person. It's remarkable how much this man has persevered and not only survived but thrived. He has not only helped himself but others and hopes to do more. It has come to my friend's attention that one of the founders of Google has the Parkinson's gene and has invested a lot in Parkinson's research. He wrote to him. I hope his letter is read and he gets an answer and continues to survive, thrive (he climbs mountains!) and help others.

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David Steinberg, not the actor. David Steingberg is the name of a guy who is about 40 now, I imagine. I met him in the summer of, I think '91. I was an advisor for a break off from Jerusalem Fellowships called International Conference on Jewish Leadership. It was a wonderful 6 week (I'm guesstimating) program for thirty college students. About three days into it I asked this guy his name and he snapped at me, saying he wasn't going to tell me again because it was the third time I asked him. It was an experience. And so I remember his name to this day. I remember through experiencing strongly things that I experience stay with me, and it doesn't feel like remembering - it just feels like the thing staying with me. I have a really hard time with names, dates, times - unless they're connected directly - in my soul - to a strong experience. I have the bad habit of wanting to be experienced strongly and thus remembered by others. This leads to disappointment. Sigh.

The Box Marked "Other"

I wanted to write about the parsha. But I feel unready. I need to free associate a bit and and maybe in time address the parsha.

One of the questions that Rabbi Zucker raised at yesterday's meeting was - what is the goal of chinuch? As someone once said a in a very different context - I can't tell you what it is, but I know it when I see it.

I just discovered a book called Tolstoy Lied. The title comes from the narrators challenge about all unhappy families (people) being different, but all happy ones being the same. The narrator wonders: "Can the American story have an ending that's both honest and happy? Can we ditch the venerable idea that life is meaningless without tragedy - that every one of us has a choice between numbed-out conformity or noble suffering, with no option to check the box marked "other"? Or are the doom-mongers right?" Wow.

A former colleague of mine has a website of beautiful art. I recommend you check it out. The address is (now) in the comments.

Why does G-d appear to Avraham at the start of the parsha? Everyone who asks questions on the Torah asks this one. The issue is that there is no prophecy or mission or mitzvah conveyed. So, why? Rashi says that it was to visit the sick. Ramban develops this and says sometimes G-d gives a person great reward by just visiting them - resting his presence upon them. Perhaps we can learn from this that a great gift we can give others is simply being with them.

Rabbi Abraham Twerski explains that the mishnah says that silence is a fence for wisdom. But he wonders, if silence precedes wisdom how can you then be wise in silence? He explains that when someone has an issue others want to fix the problem and if they can't then they want to walk away. But real wisdom is to be with someone without saying anything, and understanding that this is what a person often deeply wants and needs.

Silence is a fence
first be silent, then be wise
Staying is wisdom

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It is time for sleep. Good night and G-d Bless.

Which reminds me of this poem:

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The time has come to say good night,

My how time does fly.

We've had a laugh, perhaps a tear,

and now we hear good-bye.

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I really hate to say good night,

for times like these are few.

I wish you love and happiness,

In everything you do.

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The time has come to say good night,

I hope I've made a friend.

And so we'll say May God bless you,

Until we meet again.

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-- Red Skelton

How Are You?

Talking, relating; paying attention, face to face, while presenting a steady expression and demeanor - these things are a key to life, according to Shamai in Avot 15:1 (sever/panim/yafot). There's also the saying that silence is a fence to wisdom, as explained by Rabbi Abraham Twerski: When a friend has a problem the temptation is to offer fix-it style advice and if that doesn't work then you're out of there. In such a situation, the precursor to wisdom, is to listen. Then comes true wisdom in the form of being by your friends side with or without words, simply sticking around an other in need can be most profound.These ideas were on my mind, as is often the case, but even more-so than usual, and then I woke up and the first thing I saw was this poem by Robert Frost:

A Time to Talk

When a friend calls to me from the road

And slows his horse to a meaning walk,

I don't stand still and look around

On all the hills I haven't hoed,

And shout from where I am, What is it?

No, not as there is a time to talk.

I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,

Blade-end up and five feet tall,

And plod: I go up to the stone wall

For a friendly visit.

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- Robert Frost

Knowledge Speaks, Wisdom Listens

Not sure who said this , but I think it's true.  I've seen this applied to teaching.  Reminds me of the journalist who met with Dale Carnegie at a party to investigate if he was truly a great a conversationalist as people said he was. She spoke the whole time, while he actively ("just") listened.  The next day in her column she wrote that he was every bit as exceptional a conversationalist as his reputation indicated! It also brings to mind the story about when Ed Koch met the Lubavitcher Rebbe.  He was told beforehand, by a man in the waiting room, how wise The Rebbe was. Koch went in and the Rebbe was quiet.  So Koch started talking.  And he kept talking and talking.  For an hour Koch talked and The Rebbe didn't utter a word.  And then time was up. When Koch came out the guy in the other room asked him what he thought.  He replied, "What that man knows about politics!" This also fits with the idea that "silence is a fence for wisdom." Rabbi Abraham Twerski says that silence precedes and surrounds the profound wisdom of being and staying there with and for a person.

סייג לחכמה, שתיקה

This fits with Rabbi Abraham Twerski's pshat

of "Silence in a fence for wisdom." 

The syag is being quiet and then 

the actual chachmah is staying with someone- 

once you've committed to being quiet while you let them be.