Thursday, December 15, 2016

Moments of Days

My in the moment includes thoughts of past moments.  I'm grabbing a mid-day work moment to write.  I recall writing here like this years ago.  Things have changed and stayed the same.  I wish I had THE answer of what to write, to do, to feel rejuvenated and more focused right now.  I wish there was such a thing as THE answer...

Now it's later.  A student who graduated two years ago just came by and made my day.  When my dad had a health related situation a few years ago she wrote a giant card to him and had many students sign it.  She just wrote him a note.

It's funny (not ha-ha) how hard I can be on myself.  Time's gone on as it always does.  A student just said that I'm good at everything. Um... No.

The above was written yesterday, now it's a new today.

I wonder about neediness, or to use even less nice words - self absorption, narcissism.  We live in a time and, the people I know, a culture of self. I think about this in others and in me.

After I started writing this a beautiful song started playing on Pandora. Just Breathe by Pearl Jam (words not in the song).  It's an idealistic love song.  I wonder, hope and pray to be able to feel this kind of love for someone one day.

Later again.  9:47 PM on Wednesday at work, been writing this in little pieces over days.  Got home after 9, last night close to 11.  I sometimes want to be completely honest.  not gonna do it right here right now.  But a little bit.  I think of mortality.  In the past year several friends of my age have died.  Died.  I didn't know it was coming in any of the cases.  Life is more fragile than the cliched sayings that try to capture its fragility.  The aren't words.....

Haven't been writing times, but now I'm feeling the time - 10:10 PM...

Went to sleep shortly after almost writing at 10 last night.  Now it's 12:35 on Thursday afternoon.  At work. 54 years old.  life and health and livelihood/money and compassion and happiness and much more on my mind.  I pressure myself too much and in a way not enough.  Sigh (I sighed when I wrote that).  I am giving 4 tests soon and need to finish prepping and writing review sheets and related matters..... I'm hungry.  I need to work. I want to write, right now this kind of writing though is not my work in terms of livelihood.

Now it's 11:58 PM, Thursday night.  been working on review sheets.  Sheets confound and challenge me, confuse and bore me - but they are in, and said to be helpful and important.....

Not sure what day this started.  Now it's almost Shabbos.  I pray for peace in the world, starting now with a peaceful entry in and a rejuvenating holy Shabbos.

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