The pain of my hope
of which I just won't let go
has yielded wisdom
My computer screen
In live time. A teacher just told me that s/he read about the phenomenon of post vacation depression. S/he read that one should carry and look at a picture of something nice from the break. S/he's doing that and hoping it'll help.
I am starting this in the evening, shortly after returning from South Fallsberg, where I was for Yom Tov and Shabbos. I am happy and grateful for a lot of wonderful moments, including right now. I am sitting and writing while I listen to my 8th Day Spotify station. Over Yom Tov I felt comfortable, largely. Personalities are a fascinating thing, along with how we tweak the them via the choices we make regarding what we say and do. Some people make me feel safe being myself with, they help me shine, I help them shine. Some people make me wonder about how they can speak and act the way they do and not see that it hurts people like me. I contributed a lot over the days and feel needed and appreciated: I spoke at 2 meals, ran an improv workshop, led a tisch, and more. It's nice to be in a space that's a good fit.
I never know what to write or where to write it. I starting blogging, like I started so many other things. because of honesty- because I wanted to be honest. And then, like in so many other life contexts, I got more self conscious and cautious. But I always long for honesty and truth.
Did you ever never hear a Dvar Torah before and then you hear it once and then again and then again. That happened for me this year with the Sukkot thought about a pasuk that compares sitting in the Sukkah to being hugged. by G-d. The entry level size of a Sukkah is two walls and a little bit. That's also the entry level size of a hug (the two parts of the bent arm and the hand).
Sunday October 12, 2014
I am grateful to have been blessed with another birthday. I am blessed to have been hosted by a great friend and mentor for Yom Tov- first day of Sukkos. I am grateful to have experienced an intense religious setting/davening for three days of Yom Tov into Shabbos in the Rachmostrivska Shtiebel. I am grateful my father is with me in this world. I am grateful to be running out to celebrate my birthday in good company. I would and could and perhaps should write more... Please G-d may you and me and everyone be blessed to be thankful in good health for a long time to come.
I'm starting this post on a cab and hopefully will finish it in Spring Valey/Monsey wher I am heading for Yom Tov, which, please G-d will be upon us soon. Two dear old frieds that I hadn't spoken to in some time called me today while I was scurrying to head out. I've known one since 1975 and the other since 1983. Neither knew that yesterday was my Jewish birthday and Shabbos is my secular one.
Time out for the sky
It's my Hebrew birthday. I am up, marking tests, working. A bunch of years ago someone hurt me by saying something that ended with, "after all your job is only part time." As Paul Reiser says in a new routine of his, "Really?" (He points out that this word was once use in wonder and joy, "Really! That's swell." But now it's a hurt reaction word. Like the woman he cut on line that he didn't know he cut until she said that word. I guess -and i'm a pretty good guesser- that the person who hurt me didn't know it. In any case-) My job is not now and has never been part time. I'm grateful to G-d to have a good, nay- great job. And a good, nay- great life. I love that I was born at this time of year, between YK and Sukkos. I need to get back to work. Just wanted to pause for a second and thank G-d for bringing me into this world on this day, once and again and again and again.
8:38 PM- I'm longing for an old school honest, free flowing blog post.
See comment 1 where I saved this article of mine on Yom Kippur for posterity.
I say I need space
I didn't ride trains
Dad is starting Shabbos in 9 minutes and I am joining him. I'm here with him in his new home for Shabbos (since July 7th) for the sixth time. I am grateful to G-d for all the good in my life. For my dad being alive. For my family and friends. For my fulfilling work. I look forward to more good things to come.
This week's prompt from Haiku Horizons is "branch." One thing came to mind right away, based on the time I, along with my brother and friend from down the block saw Tefillin hanging from our tree in front of the house. It was when I was in seventh grade. My teacher did not believe the story even when I showed him the Tefillin.
I think now of this opening of Enter Laughing by Joan Rivers. She was quite the stand up in her day:
For years the standard shofar thought I knew and contemplated and shared was the Rambam saying that it's like a spiritual alarm clock waking us sleepers from our slumber. This year I heard something that was new to me- that the shofar alludes to G-d's blowing breath into man when he created us with his spirit (which was on Rosh HaShanah) (which means the shofar represents us, we were the first shofar)
Life is about expanding- about lech lecha- becoming you and broadening from the you of your country, home, and family.
Since we lose our sense
The Fourfold Song
Going to dad for Shabbos, again, like last week, and 2 weeks before that and 2 weeks before that.
Sitting outside and writing here, as it should be.
You don't remember what happened, what you remember becomes what happened. - John Green, An Abundance of Katherines, pgs 207-208
I am taken by the Av HaRachamim that we say as the Torah is taken from the ark: "May he rescue our souls from the bad times, and upbraid the evil inclination... and fulfill our requests in good measure for salvation and mercy."
Orson: The report, Mork.
We all have Robin Williams on our minds tonight. The sad news brings to mind this classic short short story.
Last night's post was actually, mostly, from way earlier in the week. But I wanted to post it and didn't feel like editing it.
"Most of our sins are outgrowths of an over emphasis on the sensuous, physical aspects of our being and of their demands, and of a disregard, or at least, of insufficient regard for the spiritual and moral facets of our personality and its purpose."
Under the physical
Clarity or death
Laugh even if you don't get the joke, laugh on credit. - Shalom Aleichem as quoted by his granddaughter, Bel Kaufman. She also gives these examples of Jewish humor: A guy can't afford lenses so he gets frames alone. When asked why, he says, "It's better than nothing." Similarly - If you don't have meat, you eat bread. if you don't have bread, you starve; it's better than nothing.
Last night I had a kind of long walk, half hour-ish, home from dinner. Was concerned about the directions. Tired. Finally got to the block I was staying on. It seemed like the numbers were going down when I needed them to go up. So I turned around walking fast, really wanting to get inside. Sweating from the heat. Frustrated, flummoxed. I remember seeing that the sidewalk was wildly uneven. I'm not sure but I think that's the sidewalk I tripped on. I didn't get the details of the nature of the sidewalk or how exactly I fell onto it. I do reacall the senasation of falling fast, of crying out something out, maybe Oh G-d. I remember trying to have control, wanting to have control. Doing some version of the falling forward and putting my hands out and catching myself on my claws and going unscathed. But this one time in my life so far, it didn't work. I fell really hard and fast and it was just too much for me to totally stop, though I did mute it a bit. Could have been worse, Thank G-d. Not death bad. Not spinal injury bad. Not broken bones. But this kind of bad: Badly scraped knee, scraped hand, sore muscles, and the ridge and tip of my nose all scraped and red. The worst part seems to be the hole between my eyes. No, I can't explain it, why that indented area got hit so hard. My friend wants me to check it out ASAP, thinks it needs a stich. We tried to go to a place tonight. No walk in (non emergency room) places were open. Other things happened over Shabbos but they all took a back seat to the stress and embarrasment of the fall. The suit is torn and bloody as is my white shirt and my directions sheet, and the repflector my dinner hosts lent me. A man tried to help me and I'm going to leave out those details for now. I'm still shaken up, yet also grateful;. Awkward about being seen in public. Feeling vulnerable and oh so human.
I have reason to wonder who reads this blog. I get few to no comments. Blogs have become a dinasour in ten years. And yet. It's place for me, it's a record for me, it's kind of a home.
Nachamu, nachamu ami. Be consoled, be consoled My People. An insight I heard about this expalins why it says nachamu twice. Sometimes in life we are broken and we want someone to comfort us but when they do we push them away, because of how broken we are. And they need to be loving enough and they need to be wise enough to not take our rejection of their reaching out at face value. They need to comfort us again. This is true of the Jewish People on our national, broken level. And it is true of individuals. Like a crying child that you try to hug and they run away, we need to try to be there for on another. And then to try again.
I was just sorting through old videos that I plan to bring to Goodwill. I found Nothing in Common, which got me thinking. Here's an incomplete and probably not fully accurate list of which family members I saw some movies with that I remember.
Here's a piece of mine on Masei. I'll paste it in the comments too.
It's waiting inside
I don't quite know what the point of writing that I don't know what to say or where to say it. It's kind of a matir for me. I write that and then I say whatever I feel like saying. It reminds me of the nicht Shabbos gereht joke.
I thank G-d for-
Here's the link to my DT in The Jewish Standard this week. I'm also posting it in comments.
Seek G-d when He's found
I don't drive a car
These are from Billy Collins' haiku book.
"Show me a teacher who thinks she's got everything all under control and doesn't need to fix a thing for next year, and I will show you a lousy teacher. The best teachers I've ever known can give you a list of exactly what they don't do well enough yet." - Peter Greene
I wonder if I'm
"You don't remember what happened.
I'm searching for words