Hard To Believe In Reverse

It's been almost six years and I don't know how many posts. And yet certain ones stand out in my mind: the ones about my name, the one I submitted to the Jewish Week about my dad, the one I wrote right after Yom Kipur about the holy schleppers, the one about Michael and Carmiya's wedding. Perhaps most of all, poems aside, the post I return to most is this one. I think a lot about how we portray ourselves to others. I sometimes catch people trying to impress other people, sometimes one of those other people are me. And - oh boy - do I catch myself trying to appear a certain way. And I pride myself on not trying to appear a certain way, but is that just the appearance I strive for?

I received a check today from the New York State comptroller. It's for real, I had unclaimed funds that ended up in his hands and all I had to do - long story short - is claim them.

I am with cold or flu or something. Been feeling feverish and actually have fever - nice when that works out symmetrical like that, sorta. Been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping, and now not sleeping. I've had moments over the last few days where I felt so weak and drained I couldn't believe it. Thank G-d I feel so much stronger now it's hard to believe in reverse.

I hope for this post to be a long and rich one. I've said that I am not going to post till my book is done. It's done and yet it's not done. The last thing that really needs to be done is the introduction. I think the best way to get this done (in the spirit of better done than perfect) is to post the introduction here. Another favorite post of mine that I've actually posted several times is the story of me and the slide in first or second grade comes to mind.

In searching for the slide story I found this raw poem that I'd - for a moment - forgotten I'd written. I'm not sure what to make of the fact that I was struck by the poem and wanted to know who wrote it, till I remembered it was me.

Aloneness, my dear

Like a shrubbery maze

Uneasy to escape

The comfort she pays

Once during first grade recess the teacher (sub) looked up from her needlepoint and threatened to tell my mother if I didn't stop my reckless behavior. I was climbing the slide the only way that I was unafraid to climb it. I wasn't trying to be bad. I didn't know how to be wild. Going straight up the ladder frightened me. Climbing up the slide itself and then turning around on top and sliding back down seemed sensible. So that's how I always did it. I think of this as an analogy for life, sometimes we do things in a way that works for us, even if it could be easier another way.

With that in mind I hope to work on my intro to my book here - of all places, but not in this post - the next one, please G-d. You ever feel sick and find it hard to assess if you're feeling better or not? To quote the great Alfalfa - me neither. Truth be told, I'm feeling worn and need to continue to cocoon and care for myself. Now is a time to conserve and restore energy.

The plan is to dedicate the book to G-d, Dad, and Mom. The book will be three sections of haiku with no explanation. The intro will hopefully be a weave of haiku and prose. I've been considering how to tweak mention of mom's encouragement of my poetry writing. I've been thinking about it and coming out with poems that don't cut it. I just penned this - not sure if it's a keeper. Maybe.

No haiku can say

how much of you is in me

My mother my book

strange strange feeling

Once I was
leaving Israel
and this El Al
woman
came screaming
to the line of
ticket holders
"bomb threat
follow me!" and
we all ran
full of dread and
then she changed
her mind
told us "it's OK" and
everyone just returned
to their spot on line

and I have this strange
strange feeling now
eleven years later
that almost no-one
remembers that
moment
I think of this
as I sit paused on
a New Jersey Transit
train
a mechanical delay
we all sit in the dark
then we start to move
and everone forgets
almost

-2002

Vatikin Haiku

The storm never stops

But the drops can be side stepped

Push against the wind

A Case of Nevertheless

d

Just back from slichot. Here are some things I noticed during the davening:

The Artscroll cites Ralbag on "Kel Melech Yosheiv" as saying that it's an af al pi chen - a case of nevertheless. Kel refers to"G-d as dominating and all powerful." "Despite this awesome strength He sits on the throne of mercy always anxious to show compassion." (pg. 20)

In "BeMotzai Yom Menuchah" we ask G-d to access the cure he created long ago. Artscroll (pg. 28) cites Nedarim 39 saying that teshuvah is one of the things created before the world was made.

In the same prayer we ask for slavation via the otzar hamuchan - prepared storage house. Artscroll (ibid) cites the medrash tanchumah as stating that when He responded to Moshe's request to see G-d's glory - "hareini na kvodechah" (Shmot 33:27-23) He showed Moshe various storage houses. One was for talmidei chachamim, another for those who support talmidei chachamim, one for those who raise orphans. Moshe asked about a realy big one he saw and was told that it was for people that did not earn merits on their own through their own deeds. With grace He provides for those people who don't have their own zchuyot from this private storage house.

Wishing

everyone a

Good Shabbos.

A Haiku

Nature and nurture

live inside us and battle

An eternal fight

H.O.T.D.

I say ABC

and you say BCA

What do we do next?

September

;

the waves get to you after

you've had a break on the shore and

realize you have to jump in,

at least for a minute,

and then in one of those before you know it moments

you're out in the deep water

fighting the feeling that you'll never get out

of the ocean alive and walk the warm sand again.

;

And We Will Say Amen

o

Eight months into it

I am still struck

by the bottom line.

"There shall be

great peace

from Heaven and

life upon us and

on all of Israel

and we will say

amen."

On Christmas Day she woke and

- short version -

said "I can't breathe."

She never spoke again.

In Hebrew I'm an orphan,

in English I lost my mom

(my dad should live and be well).

As of December 26, 2010

in any language my mom is dead.

Day after day I

pray for great peace,

then for life as

you shuffle and leave

I ask you to say

amen.

;

Guest Post: The Five Best Pieces of Fiction Dealing with Judaism

Interested in reading some fiction that depicts Judaism in a realistic and interesting way? Check out these five fantastic novels.

f

The Chosen by Chaim Potok

The story of Danny Saunders and Reuven Malters follows the friendship of two Jewish boys living in Brooklyn after World War II. Reuven is an Orthodox Jew, which makes him feel like an outsider at times, but Danny is a Hasidic Jew, a group that stands out for its religious conservativeness and old-fashioned dress code – long beards, long coats, and side curls. The two boys must face very different obstacles before coming of age, and their differences in practicing the same religion uncovers a lot of tension. The drama comes from whether their friendship will survive these trials. “The Chosen” is on many high school and college required reading lists – and for good reason. The heart-wrenching tale hits close to home for many teenagers and young adults. However, dated references and obscure Jewish culture can bog the reader down. It is probably best read with Google or Wikipedia handy.
f

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon

This book details an amazing slice of American history – the dawn of the comic book age. Author Michael Chabon uncovers the drama behind this seemingly innocent past time – cutthroat power plays, ethical controversies, and ruthless politics. Woven into this tale is the story of what it was like to be Jewish in 1930-1950. Samuel Klayman (later Sam Clay) is a second generation immigrant, well-versed in American ways. His cousin, Josef Kavalier, was the only child in his family to escape Nazi-occupied Prague. Tension over this difference in heritage as the two boys grow up and found a successful comic book empire colors their interactions, marriages, and business.

g

The Devil’s Company by David Liss

To be a Jew in the 1700’s meant living under the fear of hate crimes, expulsion, and constant movement. One of the few places where Jew’s were not persecuted (as much) was England. “The Devil’s Company” and the other two novels of the series (“A Spectacle of Corruption” and “A Conspiracy of Paper”) tell the story Benjamin Weaver – a Portuguese Jew, ex-boxer, and skilled thief-taker living in London. Weaver’s job is like a private detective, to solve mysteries and bring criminals to justice. Because of his job and his race, Weaver lives somewhat apart from society, but not enough to keep him out of troubles and adventure! The attempt at Victorian-style writing by author David Liss can be distracting, but the plots are fast paced and the history of Jews, England, and colonial America is educational and interesting.

h

Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

This novel deals primarily with the struggle of one Jewish American to reconcile his family's experience in the Holocaust. Young Jonathan Safran Foer (Coincidence? I think not) travels to the Ukraine in the hopes of finding the woman who saved his grandfather from the Nazis. On his quest, he is aided by Alex Perchov, an often comical Ukrainian translator, and Alex's grandfather, who serves as their driver on the trip. The entire book is written through a series of letters between Alex and Jonathan, which jump from past to present, chronicling Jonathan's family over the course of many generations. If you would like to read a Holocaust novel that breaks many of not only the standard rules of Holocaust writings, but also the standard rules of fiction, check out "Everything is Illuminated."

j

The Red Tent

Dinah, daughter of biblical characters Jacob and Leah, is mentioned only briefly in the Bible, but in “The Red Tent” her tale is stretched to full novel length. Author Anita Diamant clearly spent a lot of time in pain-staking research of what life was like in 2,000 A.D., around the time Judaism was founded by Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The title of this book refers to a tent where women were banished during their monthly cycles. In this tent, Dinah uncovers much of the drama and intrigue of the novel. Anyone interested in biblical history and early Judaism will enjoy the details of this book, but the stilted writing and terrible dialogue may put off many readers.

'

Jillian Interlichia is a guest blogger for My Dog Ate My Blog and a writer on online schools for Guide to Online Schools.

"Late last night I heard" - J.M.

o

"Thank you very much"

has a clichéd ring to it

We need something else

A filled restaurant

One day everyone will go

Does everyone live?

--------------------------

Big Yellow Ellul Pt. 1

Everything starts

falling, while the

king walks in

the field, and we

each go out to

greet him, tell me

does this all seem

unreal?

Like a knot curled

in your shoulder

there's a tension

running deep, the

kind of fear that

builds up as you

can't even dream

of sleep.

How A Heart Can Be So Big

u

"I wish you the best year of your life in every way."

The words, and the context brought tears to my eyes.

There are blessings and there are blessings.

This one came from the heart and entered the heart:

And Yet...

Haiku, Poem, Me

;

Every message is

a message in a message

Spoken unspoken

---------------------------------------------------

For David

(after psalm 27)

Did anyone before you ever say

"G-d is my light?" I doubt it

And if they did, they didn't say

"and my salvation" or clearly

articulate that G-d was

the fortress of their lives and

that given this triangle of truths

there is no reason to have any

kind of fear of people.

g

Like Riding a Bike, Childhood Never Leaves Us

.

Soon, teaching. I can't believe that it's been 5 years since I last taught the start of Breishit. On the other hand it feels like yesterday that my colleague Rachel Besser (she should live and be well) (I wonder if that bet with Donny is still on) told me that she read this post and that it sounded good, but that it would take longer than the days I allotted. At that time it was a two year curriculum. The plan now is to do it in one year. Looking forward.

Oh G-d grant me prayer

I don't mean give me answers

Please just help me ask

Work cut out for us

love and life ahead of us

A man has to hope

All is due to G-d

we pray this all of the time

Feel it now and then

"I win," "No, I win"

These amud wars make me sad

"Rock, paper, scissors..."

Like Billy's last song

this may be my last haiku

"But then again no"

;

My "Favorite" Way To Ruin A Joke

"Clean favored, and imperially slim" (click)

d

I'm in the first quarter of Christine Lavin's autobiography, Cold Pizza for Breakfast. She's a good writer. In college she had a lively friend named Vickie who she lost touch with. A few years after university she tried to get her on the phone and the number she dialed found her with Vickie's mother on the other line. It was worse than awkward when the mother informed Christine that Vickie had committed suicide. Christine has this to say about the story:

(if you know how to get rid of the link or underlines please let me know)

"To this day it breaks my heart to think that such a talented, sweet, artistic beauty could take her own life. When you grow up plain looking, feeling invisible, you often think how wonderful your life could have been if only you had been lucky enough to be born beautiful. It's a smack upside the head when you realize how naive that kind of thinking is. Nobody has it easy."

"This Book I Just Wanted To Go Quietly"

Tonight I read a poem by Stephen Dunn called "The Book and I." It starts like this:

Already I lived in an unmanaged world -

from a book I needed something different.

And along the way it wouldn't hurt,

I kept thinking, if I could please, please,

be enthralled. I put it down -

the merciful language you use

when you've decided the poor dog

would be better off dead. I put the book down

and began to clip the coleus...

I was taken by the poem, very much related. I want a book to rivet me or at least engage/intigue me, otherwise I'll feel the need to get out growing till it bloats. I was also curious as to what kind of plant a coleus is, so I looked it up (as my mother - ZL - taught me to do) and found out it's what's pictured above.

Inside It Says "Missing You"

I received this card in the mail today. To me a wow.

My Take On Essa Einai

?אֶשָּׂא עֵינַי אֶל הֶהָרִים - מֵאַיִן יָבֹא עֶזְרִי

.עֶזְרִי מֵעִם יְהוָה - עֹשֵׂה שָׁמַיִם וָאָרֶץ

"I will lift my eyes to the mountains - from where (literally, from no where) will my help come? My help comes from G-d, creator of heaven and earth."

Dovid HaMelech starts off talking about far away things; the future ("I will lift my eyes"), and mountain tops. Then he switches to present tense ("my help comes from G-d, creator of heaven and earth").

If all one does is look up to far away future hard times wondering if anyone will be there for him/her, the result may well be that when the tough future arrives he/she will experience a feeling of "from where will my help come?" - hopelessness. The solution to this problem is to be proactive and choose to live in the present with a constant - through good and bad times - sense that at every moment help comes from G-d who is consistently creating the atmosphere and circumstances (heaven and earth) that surround us.

Inyanei DeYoma: Link Heaven Revisited

My soul yearns for G-d
More than watchmen
Wait for the morning
More than watchmen
Wait for the morning

(translation from Metzuda machzor)

k

A Pre R"H Thought.

On the role of happiness in this season.

Check out this vort from Lavender garden.

Let's plan before to hold on after. Post R"H Thoughts From Two years Back.

Ellul/Yom Kippur "Trivia"

What Does Yes Look Like?

Five Years Ago Around Now

The Start of the School Year FYA

I Found This to be 200% True

Lost In Electronica

Thoughts From The Book Store Floor

I am hungry. I wish I meant that in some deep metaphorical way, and that would probably be true and that's all fine and good. But what I mean to say is that it's 8:30 and I had a light lunch at 1:00 and I could use some fuel. And yet I'm sitting in the poetry aisle of Barnes and Noble. I wrote from Judaica, just across the way, about two months ago, on the third day of my first week of summer break. Sigh.

On Sunday at breakfast I took a look at dad's NY Post. There was a story about Born to Run and how Springsteen spent six months trying to perfect it, had trouble letting go. I relate. I have birthed a book and yet I am afraid of fully releasing my creation.

The Daily News today quoted a presidential advisor and gave their retort. I think they have a point: "'A year is a very long period of time.' No it's not."

What's Your Struggle?

Summer break was nine full weeks. There was a beginning, a middle, and an end. Each three week section also had a beginning, middle, and end. This is the beginning of the last full week of the end of vacation. Imagine the following:

There's a mountain you must climb. It is a long, painful climb fueled with that visceral emotional feel of climbing up and up and up a roller coaster. When you reach the rocky pinnacle you make a plane as best you can, and you build a community as best you can up top, and then ten months later the community gets disbanded. You're shocked, though you knew it was coming. You climb down the mountain, and find yourself alone in the open air. You struggle to find your bearings and then it's time to start all over again. Then it ends and then it starts, again, again.

This is a struggle teachers face. I wonder, what's your struggle?

My African Violet (Keep Clicking Here And Back For The Story In Pictures) (Click On Picture To See More Beautiful Version)

These reborn flowers mean a lot to me

Let It Be Forgotten

BY SARA TEASDALE

l

Let it be forgotten, as a flower is forgotten,

Forgotten as a fire that once was singing gold,

Let it be forgotten for ever and ever,

Time is a kind friend, he will make us old.

g

If anyone asks, say it was forgotten

Long and long ago,

As a flower, as a fire, as a hushed footfall

In a long forgotten snow.

Shavuah Tov

One of my favorite divrei Torah is the commentary the Baruch She'Amar's take on the mishnah which says that if two people sit and there are no words of Torah exchanged then they are considered leitzim - scoffers. He notes that it doesn't say that they have to talk Torah as their main topic, rather that Torah should come up in the conversation. When you love something (or someone) it tends to always work its way into your talks with one another. It brings me great joy when Torah comes up organically during a phone call or while doing dinner with a friend.

Recently a dear friend said he heard something that he thought I'd like. He was right. We say in the prayer Baruch She'Amar that Hashem is "gozeir umekayeim" - that G-d makes decrees and fulfills the decrees. How is this good? One answer is that mekayem does not only mean to fulfill, it means cause something to stay standing. The idea here is that after G-d makes a difficult decree He remains by the person's side to help them endure and grow through what needs to happen.

Tonight at Shaloshudis at the Young Israel of Windsor Park I mentioned that they say that talking to plants helps them grow. I was amazed when Rabbi David Feldman pointed out that in our daily prayers we say a passage about how in olden times they would talk to plants to help them grow.

Can you name the passage alluded to in the paragraph above?

In my intro to my speech this morning at the Young Israel of Windsor Park I mentioned that it's been about thirty years since Rabbi Louis Bernstein first shared that pulpit with me. I am forever grateful. I told a story that involved a smile (it's in the previous post) and someone came up to me after and said that he generally is cheerful but has been a bit frowny very recently and my words helped him find his smile again.

PS - Go here for a seasonal Rosh HaShana piece with comments and rhymes from Kishke and a special appearance by SSLABW, ZL. Sigh.

Pre Shabbos Thoughts - Ellul/Ki Teitzei 5770

Six days and ten posts ago I said that I was going to try to not write till my book was done. I've tapered off a bit on the blogging and made progress on the book. I have about ninety haiku in, all transliteration and Jewish terms out, a lot of G-d, am still debating points. I have so many people to thank I am thinking of doing the thank yous off the page. And yet. But enough about my book, let's talk about me.

I need to leave soon for Shabbos but until then I'm doing some cooking, cleaning, thinking, breathing, writing. I am speaking tomorrow and don't have it all together yet. Also, I haven't ben asked but I'm guessing that there's a second - Shaloshudes slot open. So I'm thinking of doing some Avot prep too. And I am rereading Yehuda HaLevi.

I like this thought about Amalek. I wrote two haiku relating to the thought. I used to prefer one, now I like the other better.

Balance the balance

The balance of our life's work

Balanced by G-d's hand

Balance the balance
The balance of our life's work
Otherwise, it's faith

I'm thinking of starting with the story about R Yisrael Salanter. He passed a dour looking bachur on the street and asked him what was wrong. The young man explained that he was doing teshuva because "It's Ellul." Rav Yisrael replied, "Just because you're doing teshuva, do I have to be depressed?" This goes hand and hand with Rav Yisrael's ruling that our faces are reshut harabbim and that therefore we need to smile!

This raises the question of the mood of Ellul. Ellul stands for Ani LeDodi VeDodi Li - I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me. There are long lists of texts relating to the acronym of the name of this month. Why has this one caught on? I believe it is because it reveals the true mood of teshuva and the month of Ellul. Rabeinu Yona explains the saying, "Repent one day before you die" with a story. A man was away on business and yet his loyal wife stood out on her porch, all made up, daily. Neighbors asked and she explained that her husband was a sailor, that the winds could blow him home at any second, that she wanted to be ready.So too we want our souls to be ready to reconnect with G-d (whom they are a piece of) at any moment. It is my theory that Rabeinu chose this story purposely, to teach an additional lesson. (After all he could have given an example like - if you walk by a construction site a brick could fall at any second, so wear a hard hat.) He made the conscious choice of telling the story of a woman deeply in love with her husband because that is to parallel our relationship with G-d. Teshuva is best done out of love, motivated by the fact that when you care deeply about another you don't want negativity between you. You want things to be right.

Let's put Ellul aside for a second. This Shabbos we read the text about Amalek known as Parshat Zachor. The Shemen HaTov notes that the word path - derech - is used two times in close proximity to one another. The idea is that Amalek, which represents our evil inclination - yetzer harah - comes at us via two paths, when we're up and when we're down. He says it's interesting that we read this paragraph at Pesach time, when we're up, and at the time of the Yamim Nora'im, when we're down.

This takes us back to the story of Rav Yisrael Salanter. We need not, should not be down at this time of year. Serious, yes. Down, no. Love is serious business, but it is not a sad thing. Fixing the relationship with The Love Of Your Life should be a joyful process.

I may next talk about the balance of the two elements of love and fear, of up and down. Or I may just give examples of what to do in Ellul. And I'd like to close with a story. Perhaps I'll tell the story of the boy whose father hammered nails in the ceiling over his bed when he got in trouble in school. Eventually the kid was upset to see all the nails. His dad agreed that every time he boy was good he's take a nail out. Eventually the ceiling was clear of nails and even got re-plastered. When we do teshuvah we can elevate our life experiences and direct our whole selves, happily, with love, to G-d.

All Who Are Touched By Death

Maybe it's for the dead

Or maybe for the living

Understanding what it is feels impossible

Right now I am in it, yet don't know what it is

Never think it won't happen to you

I somehow believed that

Needs: ours, theirs, G-d's - which are real?

G-d please help all who are touched by death.

Arthur Miller's Secret Son

See comments for article.

One Of The Better Of The Pop Emails I've Received

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to oursmall Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with thisenchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my youngmind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors.

Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And never asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?

We just call him, "TV."

Tonight's Fortune Cookie Message

"If I bring forth what is inside me, what I bring forth will save me."

Her Lips Speak From The Grave

dwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwAug 4, 2006

Dear Neil,

I really wish you'd see about getting your poetry published.

Love, Mom 

Hearing a Hollow Echo He Hesitated

p

I just discovered rules and pointers about haiku on shadowpoetry.com.

The article discusses showing versus telling, and I can't imagine a better example

of two similar haiku, one that gets it right and one that missteps.

Can you tell which is which?

the funeral over--
his aftershave lingers
in our bedroom

the funeral over--
the house is so lonely
without him

(One thing that surprises me time and again is

that the big machers

in the haiku world seem to pay no attention to the 5-7-5 rule at all.)