Post YK

8:38 PM- I'm longing for an old school honest, free flowing blog post.

The fast was hard for me. There was a time, when like so many young-ones in the room I was well suited for a no-break davening that started early (7AM) and ended late (7:45 PM).  It's my local minyan and a good fit in terms of location.  But there was a certain bombastic element to the way the prayers are screamed by someone (right behind me) that doesn't feel so right for me.

On a related note someone told me that their rabbi's pet peeve is people who take out a little choolate bar to eat right after the shofar is blown at the end of YK. I am reminded of the book in which great rabbis were asked how they saw the role of being a rabbi. Rav Chaim Brisker's answer was, "Chesed." It seems to me that if someone needs to eat that candy bar asap after the fast that's part of their journey, part of their avodah.  And a rabbi, of all people should see that person's light.  A person who's line of work is psychology once told me that he liked me as a rabbi because I was the first one he met that he didn't think had serious issues.  (I wonder if that phrasing softened the blow, when I say what the man told me more precisely people don't take well to it.)

8:56 PM - Dad called me back.  I left a message.  His fast went well.  People ask how dad is doing and I say that some days I think he's doing better than me. Today may have been one of those days.

As I write a cassette (I purged a lot of them recently and am glad I still have some) of Eit Rekod-Time to Dance is playing.  It's orchestrations of traditional Jewish, mostly Chasidic, tunes.  I am sitting at a laptop at a small table in my back room.  I am purposely not sitting at my usual spot at my desktop in the living room.  Going for a new start. Changing my station to remind myself of the new start I wish for.

9:17 PM - I'm trying to move forward.  And yet.  I hold on to things.  Barnacles.  And aren't we supposed to remember things?  So many people around me seem to say and do things and expect no-one to remember.  What are zichronot all about.  We're saying to G-d that we remember and we're asking Him to remember all the good of our past. But weren't there mistakes? Are we forgetting the things we did wrong? Are we trying to trick G-d into going along with our selective memory.  That seems to be a common thing to do with people.  But with G-d?  And with people too, isn't not being straightforward and honest wrong?

9:44 PM - I need to stay in and cocoon, though there's a great local shiur starting now.

Wanting to be real
He seeks a stand up routine
For a dose of truth

I find that comedians often talk about wanting the truth.  And the best of them do hit on great truths in their routines.  That's one of the things I love about stand up. Call me crazy, but I have this thing about truth.

10:15 PM - Just answered and sent in my 10Q questions. I feel tired, though I feel like I shouldn't be.  I feel like I'm big on feeling.

10:51 PM - People lie.  That's the answer.  Often.  Oh man.  It makes me mad.  people lie to themselves and/or/then to you.  And I sit alone trying to not rethink the lies of others, their emotional stuckness. Trying.

I really want some positive changes in my life, want to make moves forward.  Please G-d. Please, G-d.

11:59 PM and beyond - I'm compelled by Zelda.  The images! Wet leaves awaken the golden leaves in my soul.  I wish I could have met Zelda.  She seems like she's from an earlier time.  I wish I could have been a little earlier and overlapped with her.

My erev YK highlight was bumping into a dear friend and having a great talk over lunch.  He is wise.  I admire wisdom.  And I yearn for it.

I never framed my Nicholas Roerich poster- I'd like to.  

May we all be blessed with new energy and a new start, starting now.