G-d Bless You Dear Reader

2:15 PM - Left home in Washington Heights at 11:45 and got to Staten Island now. This whole thing is painful for all involved. I'm trying to be positive and helpful and there others, trying really hard.

2:29 PM - An attendant just came in and thought I was my father or maybe his brother. Sigh. 

Couple that with the ticket taker who I asked if he could hold the ticket for my friend.  He asked, "An older gentleman?"

A few months ago at the movies a woman asked if I wanted a senior ticket. No. Truth (and pride) before discount.

I recently shaved my beard to look younger.  Apparently it doesn't help.  If not for wanting to marry and have children I would care less about looking like I'm 80.  I have been working out and losing weight as time allows.  I need to pray more.  We all need our own salvation from our own straights.

5;17 PM - Contrary to popular misconception computers work even when you don’t have Internet connection.  Take this bus ride – please.  Over the past two months plus there were times when I was coming every day, now I taper it more.  There were times when once I landed on the island I would stay foe many, 6-7, hours till heading back to the other island, the one I live on.  Now, dad is more himself and encourages me to head home and do what I need, after a few hours.

Today was a nice visit.  I love my dad and he loves  me. I’m proud of him and he’s proud of me.  I  cherish the time on earth that we have had and have left together.

A  dear friend (since 1980) who has been living in Israel since then called me today.  He has learned Shas many times (sic. When we speak we exchange news, Torah, and jokes.  Thank G-d.

5:31 PM – This has become a bumpy bus ride and it is becoming increasingly difficult to type (let alone to write coherent thoughts). More later/soon – if G-d so blesses me.

7:21 PM - Just got home.  I feel tired, but I'm worried that I'm ill.  I was going to do some taking care of myself in the city - shopping, walking, etc.  But once I got on the 1 train I decided to pass 72 street where I was thinking to get off and take it all the way home.  I listened to music, read, and fell asleep.  I woke up at 238 street instead of 191.  I considered telling my sob story to the man in the glass booth but decided to add the fare to the physical and emotional payment for my error.  Though, somehow life is perfect and missing this stop and turning around was meant to be.

At the moment I'm fighting feeling worn and frustrated and don't feel like I have the umph to horse and buggy it back and forth on Thursday and then again on Friday. We shall see, as the fisherman's wife said in a fable.  And like Spike Lee advises I will continue to try to do the right thing.

I'm glad to be home. 

Grateful.

Working Air conditioning
Body parts that work too
friends and connections
you and you and you

The ability to feel tired
means that I can feel
means that I'm alive
I'm glad my life is real

I'm glad to be home
it's been a long day
I run myself ragged
and in the end I pay

I must take care of me
Along with all I carry
I must work on tachlis
believe I can soon marry

It's time to drink cold water
and to make chicken soup
to breathe and relax and
reach out to my peer group

(Finished the above at 7:38 PM)

7:40 PM

This speaks to me. There's more to a good life (like knowing when it pays not to speak, even when spoken to or treated rudely.  That seems like a big thing in my life). And yet, these are pretty good (though I think fake smiles can be a bad thing).  (Just listen to this, if you will, and I hope you will.)

9:17 PM - Tired, not sure what else to say or if I should have said that.

9:39 PM - Just got an email asking if I know of a teacher for a school where a teacher just pulled out for this year.

On an unrelated note - I read somewhere recently that marriage brings out all your stuff.  If people really work at it that can work. Right

10 PM - It hurts when you show yourself to someone and your worst fears of being rejected and treated in an unwise and ungentle way come true.

10:06 PM - Going to close this post for now. 

G-d bless you dear reader.