I Try
posted by rabbi neil fleischmann @ 10:52 AM
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14 Comments:
Nice!!! I'm going to print it out - multiple copies and hang them up to remind me.
Made my day anonymous!
I try to do this and catch myself falling short.
So much of what's put to me in conversation seems fraught with dangers - already being in the realm of the unnecessary. I love to talk about ideas and try to help others. I find it challenging when the questions posed to me are about people or things that verge on the gossipy. When i initiate it's easier (though still hard) to try to follow T.H.I.N.K.), when responding it's trickier. often the best option is silence or the closest to it possible.
I am haunted by this phrase.
What would the world be like, what would life, what would the Jewish frum community be like if we all tried to say this that were inspiring and true, helpful kind, and needed?
Speech plays a major part of my life - as a teacher, as a human being. The first major mistake of wo/man had to do with speech (also with food, another major issue for us to this day) and it continues to be a maker or breaker in our lives.
If you ask people (as Joseph Telushkin points out) what has caused them the greatest pain in their lives they will usually come up with something someone said to them (or - I think if they're really honest - something they said to someone else).
The power of speech is amazing. We can be so kind, helpful, and inspiring - if we put our minds to it.
What hold us back?
And the reverse is true. I recently saw a picture of a crying boy and there is a hand choking him. The hand id made up purely of derogatory names and abusive words like "moron" (a word a teacher I know once gave a nickname to one of his students - sic). Powerful. The picture was part of a presentation a student gave about not oppressing "strangers" and how it applies to everyone...
I continue to THINK about this. Today I shared the THINK idea with a (non-Orthodox)colleague who took it very much to heart.
There's a Paul Reiser routine in which he talks about things people say (like - "you've gained weight - I didn't recognize you") and then say, "I'm just saying." He says there's no such thing as just saying.
I compare it to someone shooting someone else and then saying that they were just shooting. Why is the person bleeding? Why'd they have to take the shot so seriously?..
People will say unkind things and then say that it was a joke. Really? Or people will claim a critical statement to be parve. What's the point of saying something edgy that can at best be parve? If it's not positive and not said in a kind way then why say it. If you think you'll often see that back-paddling may be necessary, and if that's the case it's best not to start and say.
A prime example of saying something which is not necessary and is not kind is when A tells B the negative thing that C said about them.
I have people in my life who do this , me being B. They distance themselves from the statement, saying it's C who said it, not them. But the one to be wary of is A. Because C was discrete. There's something not nice in A's telling you (and further in their not owning the ugliness of what they do).
This is made even worse when combined with the technique described in the previous comment - saying that you're just saying. One will quote something B said - like that you're fat or stupid and then say it wasn't meant in a derogatory way.
People like to talk about themselves and their families. Part of thinking kindly in conversations, is listening and allowing someone else's urge to be heard to come before your own.
On the other hand - there is a heter, I believe (the Chafetz Chaim writes that it's possible that it's OK) to vent when you need to.
As Mr. Rogers puts it - if it's mentionable it's manageable.
There's a story about someone who gave a poor man on the street money daily. Once he said, "My dear friend, I care about you deeply and I enjoy the moments we chat and spend together every day very much. I can tell you are a special person. I'm sorry to tell you that today I forgot my wallet at home and I'm sorry I can't give to you today."
And the fellow replied, "You just did."
What we don't say, counts like what we say. Esther Kusthanowitz' piece that first appeared in the Jewish Week in, I think maybe, 2004 comes to mind... And of course what we say counts. Words count, so it pays to count words.
http://www.jewishjournal.com/singles/article/courting_forgiveness_20070914/
This is the piece that got me to start blogging.
Today a student came to speak with me about a friend who makes negative comments to him regularly and then says he's "just saying."
Well people say things that hurt and then say they're just saying it can be like people shooting a gun and saying they're just shooting. And then they say, "Stop bleeding, you're overreacting. Why are you so sensitive? I was just shooting."
Words can effect you. Sometimes someone say things that makes me feel like less than I am and others idealize me and speak accordingly. We need to measure our words and assist one another to know who we truly are.
It's moments before Shabbos HaGadol, Parshat Tzav 5772.
Words on my mind.
Hopefully this week will be farfallen, if I can only let it go.
Last Shabbos I read a story at the start of the book "The Dance of Connection."
The author said that she saw two kids (saw this more than once) fighting in a sand box. One screams to the other "I hate you," and then storms off. A few minutes later they're happily playing again?
What?
The thing is that children put happiness before being right. May we all be so blessed.
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