10 Ways of Looking At Sleeplessness

1. Like Achashveirosh, I realize if I'm up there's a reason.

2. I remember that the rabbis judged harshly the life of someone who can be up in the middle of the night and turn his heart to batalah - wastefulness.

3. The middle of the night is designated for mourning for the loss of the Temple. Our world is unredeemed and imperfect and we have to own this. We state our case to G-d, really to ourselves. "G-d remember what has happened to us, look and see our disgrace..."

4. Five family members were killed Friday night in the settlement of Itamar. It was the family of the son of a teacher of mine. Sigh. "G-d remember what has happened to us, look and see our disgrace..."

5. Today an old friend called after a lapse of contact and asked me when my year ends. I said, "It feels like a long time from now, but June - I guess." He was talking - I realized after forever -about the year of mourning for my mother. That year ended three months ago, the new reality will be negotiated for a long time to come.

6. Always when I can't sleep I start thinking about what to eat. There are tangerines in the fridge that would be the right thing eat if I'm going to eat anything now. They were surplus/clutter of a woman I dated seven times and she gave them to me. It didn't work out. I'm thinking chicken.

7. Funny - not ha-ha - I had no trouble sleeping this afternoon.

8. That CD of sleep music works, I wonder why I'm not trying it; maybe because I am just so not tired that the tape seems like a wasted effort. That makes little sense. The take will take me to sleep. Just one more thing and then maybe one or two more.

9. Self awareness can be weights or wings; it depends on what you do with it.

10. No, Bob Seger, it is not funny how the night moves. I can't blame it on midnight. Yes, shame on the moon.