I guess I never fully left my country, birthplace and home enough to connect more to my Hebrew than English birthday. It's weird to me then that no-one asked me about today. Many people asked if the day I stopped saying Kaddish was difficult. Not so much. Kaddish was more technical than emotional for me. Maybe the emotion is higher for people who aren't connected to Jewish life and then kaddish hooks them in for a year - and then they write a book about it. I worked hard to be respectful to my mother and daven from the amud and say kaddish as per tradition. The posturing and competing and checking off didn't float my boat. People asked if the Yahrtzeit was hard. It was awkward negotiating the amud and the kaddish once again, and deciding what kind of tikkun to make and then making it. I spoke to my classes for 60 seconds each about my mother; the tikkun and those minutes of class were laden with emotion. I thought of my mother a lot that day, but that's been the case since this all started.

My mother passed away a year ago on Shabbos, December 26th. My father called me that Friday morning, December 25th, Christmas day, and woke me with the message that my mom was sick and I should come out to the house right away. That message remains the first one on my answering machine. Today is Friday the 24th. It was a year ago. This is a hard day. I'm reliving the details, the call, cab ride, ambulances and firetrucks and police cars, emergency room, festive Christmas atmosphere in the hospital, waiting, waiting, waiting - 24 hours later the final blow.

I never know what to write here, felt I had to share something about this day, this weekend.

Rabbi Yaakov Weinberg says that one of the first things we're told about Moshe in Parshat Shmot is that the burning bush made him wonder and ask what it was all about. We would be served well to question the experiences we go through in life, to glean meaning from what occurs to us, to deeply consider what we see. It may sound simple, but it's not.

May G-d bless us all to strengthen ourselves this Shabbos and for it to overflow. May we be blessed to de-stress. If you were off today (I wasn't) I hope that was nice for you. If you are on a winter vacation, enjoy! And if it's your holiday, may it be beautiful and meaningful for you and your family.