Moshe's Log: End of Year Forty

As we finish up a year of learning Sefer Devarim, Moshe is about to die. We studied this in depth and additionally I asked my students to write a diary entry as if they were Moshe at this time. Here's one example:

Dear Diary,

I am going to die.

I mean, I’ve known for a while now--since the incident with the rock. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. I should have known better. Water has always been a problem. I couldn’t even send the water plagues! I should have known bringing water from the rock would turn out bad. And now I am going to die for it.

I am going to die.

It is still hard to take in. I’m never going to see Israel. I’m never going to see B’nei Yisrael again.

I am going to die.

40 years in the desert. 40 years! That is one third of my life. Wow, I’m old. I have been with these people for a whole third of my life. I helped them leave Egypt, I brought them the Torah, I argued with Hashem on their behalf, I defended them, and I took care of them. And what do I get in return? Nothing. Not even a simple thank you. I went through all that trouble for them and I don’t even get a thank you.

They are going to let me die without even saying thank you.

Am I afraid to die? I don’t know. I don’t even know if it has hit me yet. You’d think I’d be afraid, but I don’t feel afraid. I just feel…calm, I guess. It’s not a bad feeling, you know. Just kind of…empty.

I am going to die.

And in the middle of the day too. In front of everyone, all the people that know me, they are all going to be there staring at me, watching me. What if I cry? What if I vomit? What if I run away? What if they can’t let go? What if I can’t let go? I know Yehoshuah will be a great leader and all, but I should be their leader! I should be the one bringing them into Israel!

No, no, no you can’t think like that! Yehoshuah has to do it. They will be okay. I will be okay.

I am going to die.

They’re waiting for me. I can feel them waiting. I should go. It is almost the middle of the day. I have to die in the middle of the day. They have to see. They have to let go.

I am going to die.