VeRuach Elokim Merachefet Al Pnei HaMayim
Here's another one by my friend's artist relative. I was mistaken in the previous post. They're both by Connie, first cousin once removed. What was that Robin Williams movie where he enters paintings?
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Before there was time
There was just G-d and water
What do we have now?
Taking time at the shore, I
Watch G-d's breath rock the waters
I struggled with the tanka above. I wrote it at the empty shore at about 7 A.M. I was torn between - "what do we have now" and "what do we have here." Originally it was didactic; "Take time at the shore and see/As G-d's breath rocks the waters." Another question is, should it be "see G-d's breath?" or is "watch" more appropriate (fits better with other w words). Also, should it be "G-d's breath?" or "G-d's wind?" And does "rock the waters" work?
posted by rabbi neil fleischmann @ 10:08 AM
3 Comments:
I prefer "G-d's breath". Instead of "rock the waters" would "move the waters" be more evocative of what you're getting at? I know it's less specific but "rock" doesn't quite go with the motion of water, for me. How do YOU feel about it? :-)
The ideas feel rich and big here. I can see how the tanka form for this was a struggle. I'm wondering, if a free-form poem might allow for more of what you wish to convey. I took liberties (sorry) and still don't think this completely works, still . . . I felt inspired to take a shot . . . :
Before there was time
There was just G-d and water
Then there was now-time
along the shore I breathe, watch
G-d's breath on waters
Thanks Anne and Anon. I think rock is a bit awkward. I took it out. The Hebrew word at the start of Genesis describing G-d's spirit on the waters is an unusual one - generally translated as hovered. Anon, I liked your version of line three, but didn't want to say time again, though I did want to use now. I went with your ideas for lines four and five, adapting five a bit to stay in tanka form. I hope it's OK to keep these edits and still call it mine. I think I'm going to re-post it this way:
Before there was time
There was just G-d and water
What do we have now?
Along the shore, I breathe, watch
G-d's breath over the water
Thank you both for your helpand please continue to feed back.
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