Friday, August 28, 2009

Guten Erev Shabbos

Wishing everyone a Shabbat Shalom. Thank you for reading and commenting and caring.

I'm presently in a city with no natural body of water in or around it. And yet, I have water on my brain. It so happens that this week my online poetry class is working on nature. Here's a poem that I've posted before that comes to mind:

It's Always The Lake
t
Shalom and Miri Shiri
Almost pass her by
Miri hears the water call
Quietly rippling, sparkling
d
Shalom hears his daughter
He takes her hand
She holds his love
They walk closer
Smiling together
u
Again, Shabbat Shalom to all. And G-d Bless.
P.S. Click here for a poetic Shoftim post.

10 Comments:

Blogger jordy said...

Good shabbos Rabbi Fleischmann.

August 28, 2009 at 2:21 PM  
Anonymous Eric said...

love the line "She holds his love"

August 30, 2009 at 1:32 PM  
Blogger rabbi neil fleischmann said...

thanks jordy. is that jordan d?

Eric, thanks. :)

August 30, 2009 at 4:28 PM  
Blogger jordy said...

yes it is. How are you, Rabbi?

August 30, 2009 at 7:59 PM  
Blogger rabbi neil fleischmann said...

I'm - Baruch Hashem - fantastic.

How are you, student?

Why don't you email me so we can correspond without sharing it with the www.

I still cherish your profound words that you shared with me and look forward to talking.

August 30, 2009 at 11:38 PM  
Blogger torontopearl said...

"He takes her hand
She holds his love"

This makes me sigh; so simple yet so lovely... Thanks for the blissful image. It reminds me of my father and I, and is a perfect eternal image for me, Neil.

August 31, 2009 at 12:24 AM  
Blogger rr said...

the visual of the two walking somehow remind me of the akeida...the total trust and the total love and the total understanding between the two...amazing poem...have you shared it with shalom and miri shiri?

August 31, 2009 at 12:51 AM  
Blogger rabbi neil fleischmann said...

thank you all for your comments. i always appreciate kind, polite, yet truthful comments - particularly on poems.

i submitted this as an HW. something i find hard about poetry is that regular people and insider poets like different things. the best is when you can please everyone, maybe for some of us that's what olam haba will be... or more lkely, olam haba wil be when you no longer have the need to please everyone with your poetry or anything else. that's a good goal for this world as well.

PS - It took years, and was worth the wait. It looks like - poo poo poo - I've maybe found a published insider poet to mentor me.

------------------

Neil--The title says it all, yes? The Lake.

There is deep sweetness in this poem, in the tenderness of the father and daughter. Makes a man want to cry.

The last line of the first stanza is a bit too much. The gerunds are one thing. I think the line needs more color, more sound, more texture. A metaphor, perhaps, for the quietly, rippling, sparkling water.

The second stanza runs into a little trouble with "She holds his love." The notion of "holding love" is too poetic, if you catch my drift. It is not tangible. That sentiment comes through, the holding of love, the experiencing of love, because of the way you present Shalom and Miri Shiri. And, one more suggestion, I would cut the word "smiling."

They walk closer/together.

That's lovely, I think, without the "smiling" because the "smiling" is a bit too sentimental.

So, a few little things in this very special and "big" poem about father/daughter love. The title is brilliant.

Always a joy to read your poems, Neil. I hope Israel was fantastic. Here comes school.

Best, Matthew

September 3, 2009 at 1:25 AM  
Anonymous Elie said...

there's something about the line
'he takes her hand
she holds his love'
that makes me think of the quiet peace of Shabbos.
I don't know what it is,
I just love it

January 4, 2011 at 1:31 PM  
Blogger rabbi neil fleischmann said...

Thank you Elie, I like that too. My teacher, the poet Matthew Lippman wrote, "The second stanza runs into a little trouble with 'She holds his love.' The notion of 'holding love' is too poetic, if you catch my drift. It is not tangible. That sentiment comes through, the holding of love, the experiencing of love, because of the way you present Shalom and Miri Shiri." Butyou, and I thinkI, and others seems to like it.

Maybe you're thinking that Shabbos is a time for holding on to love...

Thanks for reading and commenting.

January 4, 2011 at 11:35 PM  

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