Shabbat Shalom
I like climbing into Shabbos
I truly enjoy
the pocket which is Shabbos.
posted by rabbi neil fleischmann @ 5:41 PM
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2 Comments:
I don't like when people mess with my poetry (sometimes I believe personal poems can't be edited by other people), and you probably feel the same. But if I were rewriting this, I would try to make it tighter:
I like climbing into the pocket
known as Shabbos.
(and if I were writing it myself, I would add something like:
I nestle in its warmth
and settle there for hours.)
Neil, I love the pocket=Shabbos imagery. It works so well!
I like it my way. I don't mind the suggestion, but I'm already commited to my version. I think "which is" is more direct than "known as," more a simile than a metaphor (if I remember my terms right). I also like not saying more than what is enough to imply more. And I like my visual -the form of a sandwich.
This originated as part of a long bit of prose and struck me as poetic, so I pulled it out and made it a little stand alone.
Thanks for the reading and critique, always appreciated Pearl.
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