Write of Passage
Some people (mostly relatives) don't get how I can be busy and yet have time to blog. My blog has almost replaced my diary. My diary on the computer mostly replaced my handwritten journals, which replaced Mead notebooks, which replaced scrap paper, which replaced it all just being in my head and heart. For me writing is like breathing. This diary has been going on for about fifteen years. There are filled milk crates and myriad computer folders that stand in testimony.
Some bloggers search for things to say. Me, I write without searching. In improv there's a style called the Harold, in which all the skits connect with eachother, going back and forward in time, from scene to scene, in and out of imagination, and dreams, etc. The way UCB Theater does it, it starts with one suggestion from the audience. Then someone delivers an impromptu monologue on that topic. And all the skits stem from the monologue. I like being the one to start, and I think my fellow improvisers like it when I do it too. It's pretty natural for me to riff on a topic. I do it in my head often. And I branch out in a way that provides fodder for more. Blogging is like that monologue.
Writing, for a writer is a need, neither a duty, nor a luxury. Writing, for a writer flows from the deep still waters within. Writing, for the writer is a personal thing and yet it needs to be put out in words. Writing without readers can feel like selling with no buyers. Nicole Krausse wrote a whole book starting with one question: how many readers are needed for writing to be worth it?
I was once a guest in someone's home, before computers were common, and I had forgotten my diary. And I asked to borrow some paper. My hosts told me that they didn't have paper. I found that hard to understand, and I knew that it was true, there was no paper in the house. This summer I spent many hours sorting through everything I owned. I had boxes filled with papers: papers with Torah, jokes, thoughts, dreams, tests, lessons. I was surprised to find how many notebooks and packets of blank loose leaf paper I had. It was everywhere. Now it's all in one drawer, still close to my heart.
At three o'clock after teaching six consecutive periods (this happens on Mondays and Tuesdays) I take solace in sitting alone and cross legged as my little grey fan (that got busted when a colleague hid it in a corner) buzzes and blows, as the student activity director works the crowd on the other side of my closed door as I write in this diary; writing in safety, writing and being read, writing and being healed.
The lights just went out. It's time for the student activity director's nap (he's been under the weather). It's a perfect time to push publish.
posted by rabbi neil fleischmann @ 3:18 PM
15 Comments:
Great name for the post...great post. I, as someone who's written my whole life, can well understand the NEED to get words on paper, any scrap of paper.
If I don't write I begin to feel crazed. It is a need, an itch that must be scratched.
That is better reason to write than most bloggers have, I for one simply blog about things I can't discuss with real life friends.
Writing has been a pretty recent phenomenon for me. Until I started my blog, I was never a regular writer, but since I have starting doing it on a regular basis, I am not sure how I ever went without. These days, whenever my brain is full and jumbled, the desire to write is overwhelming and once done, I always feel better. I am so glad I discovered it.
I do not keep a diary nor do I publish a blog, so I apologize if this question/comment sounds bizarre to you or to your other fans/readers: Until your blog, your wrote on scraps of paper that no one saw. Your innermost thoughts stayed in a place far away from the public eye. I understand from torontopearl, mirty and others that there is something cathartic in your writing. But it was for you and only you. In fact, this post made it seem as though even you didn't always read what you wrote. And now you have a popular blog that people like me love to read and think about.
I am curious to hear your thoughts and those of torontopearl, mirty, jack's shack, pragmatician, and shoshana: how - if at all - has your diary-keeping changed now that the entire world can read it, comment on it, etc. etc. Is it less cathartic? Do you hold back? Should you hold back (only a non-blogger could ask a question like that!)? Are you still writing for yourself?
I will answer you, Shloimetas.
I kept a journal for years; I wrote just about everything and anything on those pages and I knew they were "for my eyes only". (when I now, at age 44, go back and reread stuff I wrote when I was 19 and 20, I can't believe what I deemed important enough to write about)
My blog is a journal wannabe -- even though I write anonymously (although some readers might've already figured out who I am), I cannot share everything. If I did, I'd be angry with myself for revealing too much, and I might insult others in blogland, as well.
It is still cathartic because I see my blog as more of a collection of personal essays, rather than a detailed retelling of my day and all it entails, including thoughts, feelings, etc. My blog allows me the freedom to monitor how much I say, and how I say it. It is also a daily way for me to keep my creative mind active and my writing skills sharpened.
I, too, feel the urge to write regularly and am saddened when there is a lapse in my writing because I have nothing to talk about.
Shloimetas -
For me, my blog was an impetus to start writing, but the truth is, I do hold a lot back from what I write for everyone to see. I actually do keep a separate blog, that no one else but me reads and is not accessible to everyone, for those things that I deem too personal to expose to everyone on the Internet. I think the great things about writing on my public blog is that I can get feedback from others and sometimes that helps sort things out as well, along with getting the feeling that there are others out there who feel the same way I do and can relate, which isn't always easy to find.
I recently learned that some people who know me have discovered my blog.
It hasn't made all that much of an impact on my writing. They can't hurt me unless I give them the power to do so.
There are some conversations that I prefer not to have with them, but there is nothing that I couldn't discuss.
I, too, would think it bizarre to visit someone who didn't have paper around. Just as I think it's odd when I visit someone who doesn't have books. I once visited someone and the only books she had were siddurim and cookbooks--that was nuts, in my opinion. On the flip side, I think that I probably have too much paper (20 boxes? 30? under my bed and in the corner of my room--this includes notes taken, papers written, articles, etc.) and too many books (God only knows).
I agree with what you said about writing, too, although I think I mostly prefer not to have an audience, at least for the at-all-personal stuff. (My blog isn't super-personal.) I've been keeping a journal on and off since I was nine. It's great fun to go back and read things that I wrote then. I was right on the money on a lot of things related to my family...
Wow. Thanks for the great responses. Pearl, thanks for getting it. Mirty too (I also draw). Jack, we've got the same itch. Pragmatician, your reason sounds important too, and no lesser a need. Shoshana, interesting, and to your credit, that you found writing later than others with the urge. Shloimetas, you're right, sometimes the work was done via the writing even without my rereading what I wrote - but sometimes I'd read even the scraps, if I could find them.
Shloime, your questions are good ones. I still write in other places for myself. I wrote poem recently about how I feel bad for my diary, and wonder if it's jealous of my blog. I don't write in it as much as once.
I am definitely cautious, and protective in the way I writ ehere. Much as it may sound open, I conceal more than I reveal. At least I allow myself to believe that. It's still cathartic. But sometimes there's an itch (as Jack would say) that I can't scratch here (I don't think Jack is his real name).
Something that I didn't think about when I started the blog, is what the comment experience would be like. This is new to me. I'm surprised by this. It's new to me. And I like the exchanges.
ALG, thanks for your first visit and comment here. You sound like a kindred spirit. Thanks for the thoughtful response. Thanks to everyone who double dipped and replied to Shloimetas.
I agree with Pearl, that it's also about sharpening my writing. That's big. And I related to a lot of what others said here too.
I do need to write, though I do not need others to see it. I am often surprised by what satisfies that need in terms of quantity. Same goes for artwrk. I feel a lack, a gaping hole when I don't write or do artwork. I feel lost on the rare occasions I find myself without a pen and paper in my pocket...
I think I started blogging because I felt like I had fallen off of the map. I was stuck in the Midwest, and I had things to say and no one to say them to.
And I was saying things that I would never say to the members of the community, even if I felt free to say them around my dinner table. Because they were important to me, but not important enough that I wanted to risk ostracizing myself or my kids.
And I wanted to keep track of the funny things that happened to me, or things that my kids would do or say.
And sometimes I just wanted to talk without competing with the news, or the toddler, or the telephone.
And finding that people were listening and were interested in what I had to say was surprising but encouraging.
Now of course, now that more people are reading, I have to watch what I say again. It's like the community I was escaping has found me, and I have to keep from offending them. But at the same time, they may have seen a different side of me that never occured to them.
Hopefully they respect that new side, and enjoy it. But who knows?
I started blogging when freecell fell off my computer.
It keeps me sane, but it has become a bigger time waster, though less painful for the ligaments.
McAryeh, I'm glad to have you around as a kindred spirit.
PT - Thanks for the background and the usual down to earth tone. Who knows indeed!
Muse - Maybe it's me. But aren't free cell and blogging quite different? (There's a set up for a punch line if ever there was).
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