Monday, August 08, 2005

Hillel Goldberg's If Only

The following piece is by Hillel Goldberg. I came across it while sorting through old papers. I think it was originally in the Jewish Observer. I am surprised that it doesn't seem to already exist on the web, and hope that my posting it it helpful. I was taken by this essay on several levels. What are your thoughts?

If Only
Hillel Goldberg


I was dreaming...
If only I had an opportunity to think, really just sit and think
without the press of obligation;
If only I had the ability to put out of my mind, really empty it, of financial and business concerns;
If only I could spend some time with my family on a regular basis;
If only I could forget, even temporarily, the teacher, the competitor, or detractor who causes my grief;
If only I could escape the insistent ringing of the telephone, not just when I'm out, or when I think it's safe or necessary to turn on my answering machine, but periodically;
If only I could figure out who I really am, what makes a difference to me--could steadily reevaluate life's direction without being flaky;
If only I could sense something of the beauty of this world, not just occasionally on a vacation or ski trip, but on a regular basis without feeling guilty for stealing the time or alternatively, feeling guilty for not having the discipline for doing what I am supposed to do;
If only I could look out at the world and feel completely at harmony with it;
If only I could add a dimension to my existence, my increasing my ability to sing or dance or listen or laugh;
If only I could shake the depression or self- doubt that sometimes grips me;
If only I could feel at one with people, unconcerned about whether I was better or more successful or respected than they, or whether they were better or more successful or respected than I.
If only I could locate the design, the purpose to this crazy world of ours, with its wars and jealousies, and sicknesses and other sufferings;
If only I could get things into perspective, know what is important, worth bothering about, what is unimportant, not worth trifling with;
If only I could unravel the meaning within life's mysteries, could know how they reigned within a larger mystery.
If only?
I need not dream.
All my wishes are available.
Shabbos.



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