Straight Talk

"Be the change you want to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi


Why do we speak loshon hara? I think a close look at two lines in Parshat Kedoshim provides an answer. We're told not to speak disparagingly of others. In close proximity to this we are told to reprimand our fellow man. The juxtaposition of these two sentences is not random.

When someone acts in a way that bothers us we feel compelled to talk about it. Venting to friends, a common coping mechanism, is understandable. But there is a harder, more honest option. We can get pain off our chests by going directly to the person who behaved in a manner which we are uncomfortable with. By talking directly to the other person we take a negative and make it a mitzvah. Thus the Torah is presenting Hochai’ach Tocee’ach Et Amitecha-the command to reproach as the antidote to Lo Teileich Rachil Be’Amecha-the prohibition against slander.

We often don’t feel close enough to someone to tell it to him or her straight. But the question is whom are we protecting by not talking straight to another person? Often, we are actually afraid ourselves of getting close to another human being. So we backstab with cowardice rather than confronting in friendship.

The real issue is do we see other human beings as human beings? I’d like to address this via an analogy. Kids that have learning issues, and adults too can memorize words sometimes without really understanding the concept. For example 2+2=4 is a concept that many people clearly see. But for some people if you show them two pens and another two pens they somehow don't see it but just write it down and remember and spit it back. So that if you show them two fingers and another two fingers they can't tell you that it makes four fingers and they'll wonder - why are you talking about fingers now when you taught them yesterday that the whole two plus two thing was about pens – "what are you talking about - this is so confusing!"

The sad reality is that many people don't see that a human being is a human being. They hear it and memorize it. But they don't get the concept. "This guy too, cleaning up the cafeteria from breakfast - but you told me yesterday it was the old teacher who I don’t like but I still have to respect! Which is it, this is so confusing?" And it applies to adults who speak rudely with a sense of entitlement to waiters in hotels.

*STORY* Rav Chaim Brisker was thrown off a train by Russian peasants because he wouldn't play cards with them. When they got to Brisk and found out who he was, they wanted to apologize, but he wouldn't accept. He said it wasn't him - the revered rabbi - that they showed disrespect to; they thought he was just a simple old Jewish man. If they wanted forgiveness they had to go deek it from every old Jewish man.

Who are the people around us? Do we really have any idea? If we care to ask, everyone has a story to tell. And if we hear the story, maybe it will help to see the person. May we be blessed to connect rather than divide, to see other people as real, to speak to others rather than about them. Please G-d!

Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Neil Fleischmann