After Thought

It's almost nine years since I started this blog and I'm still not sure what to write here or why I write here.

It was an eventful Shavuot for me.  It was an intense Wednesday and Thursday at a retreat upstate. I learned and taught all night and was run down with a cold going in. I didn't get much rest on or after the holiday. I taught the next day and then met a new friend for lunch. Then it was Shabbos. I had a much needed Shabbos at home.  I ate out by kind and prominent neighbors. I was out for meals and davening. Otherwise I was home getting much needed introversion time and rest.

After Shabbos I probably wrote here a bit, did this and that.  Not long after Shabbos ended I checked my answering machine, even though it's always blinking and rarely due to a new message. There were a lot of messages.  On my cell too.

My father had an accident on that Friday night after Shavuot.  This was one of those events in my life which is so big that it will always be a divider between Before and After.  It's still After.  It will always be after.

Thank G-d, despite a serious fall my father was okay, relatively speaking. There was ICU and surgery and a regular room and hospital rehab.  Thank G-d he was able to walk and to recuperate generally. Then there was rehab.  And hopefully there will soon be an after the after, a release from the rehab facility.

I am grateful to G-d for keeping my father alive and for nursing him back to health.  There are no words for how dedicated and caring my brother has been for my dad.  I am forever grateful. I am grateful to friends and family who showed care and concern for my father and also remembered that I am human.  I am grateful for the help people gave my father, particularly the people who weren't paid to do so.  I am grateful for the help people gave me.  It was a hard time, everyone has their breaking points, and everyone needs support. I am grateful that we have made it this far.

I believe that we're coming upon Rosh haShanah, even though it is hard to believe. I believe that the summer is gone.  It's hard to believe summer existed at all. I believe that it's almost Shabbos and this post is not what I hoped it would be (done).

I believe that G-d does not laugh at our plans.  G-d forbid.  He smiles at how we try and he helps us walk along the right path.

I believe I need to end this post now.  May we all be blessed with a wonderfully religious, real, restful, and rejuvenating Shabbos.

My dad just called me, even though we spoke twice earlier today.  He wanted to wish me a Good Shabbos and bentch/bless me over the phone.

Articles of Faith - A Brilliant Article By Dara Horn

I think this is profound.  I also think it may be a subtle plug for Horn's new book, A Guide For The Perplexed (which I'm in the middle of reading) which addresses memories and what to do about them.

ARTICLE PASTED INTO COMMENTS

FLYING WITH CHAGALL  

After Marc Chagall’s  Above the Town (1915)

BY NORA NADJARIAN

Silently, cloudlessly, we fly

swimming, legs and arms over

roofs and fields and streetlamps.

We skate over and above a sky

of white, our breath trailing behind us,

around the leaves and their small voices,

like notes of a fiddle.

Oh how – how do you do

it, without falling or slipping

or landing on a green roof

and bruising it blue? No one asks,

but everyone wonders. They all

look into the sky canvas and squint,

and inwardly sigh all day, all night.

It is a dream which only you and I see.

And nobody else.

And nobody else.

A Now Poem

It's empty in here
and so crowded
It is silent and
noisy as hell

I am at peace
and conflicted
Stubbornly sure
while uncertain

Subtly breathing
and then sighing
Writing a poem
wondering why

You never know where someone is at - until they show you.

Take heed of what a cab driver tells you about yourself.

Resonates For Me

"Yehi ratzon milfanechah Hashem Elokeinu ve'Elokei avoteinu shenishmor chukechah ba'olam hazeh venizkeh venichyeh venireh venisharash tovah uvrachah lishnei yemot hamashiach ulechayei haolam habah. 

I noticed this morning that we ask specifically for G-d's assistance in keeping (guarding) chukim, the laws that we don't know reasons for.

Perhaps we are saying that we need help, most of all, with putting G-'s will over our own (interesting that the phrasing here is that we ask that this wish may be G-s's will).

Then we say that once we get subservience down right in this world we will merit and inherit and see and live free in the more amorphous and less grounded worlds to come.

Good Quote

“No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.” 
-Robert Frost

When Seamus Heaney won a lifetime achievement award he said it was meaningful to him, being "somebody not sure, uncertain." He added, "It's always important to be reassured."

By Me

I Want To Write So Much

Where? Here? 
When? Now? 
What? Blessings? 
Specific? How?

A Drink of Water (A Sonnet)

By Seamus Heaney

She came every morning to draw water
Like an old bat staggering up the field:
The pump's whooping cough, the bucket's clatter
And slow diminuendo as it filled,
Announced her. I recall
Her gray apron, the pocked white enamel
Of the brimming bucket, and the treble
Creak of her voice like the pump's handle.
Nights when a full moon lifted past her gable

It fell back through her window and would lie
Into the water set out on the table.
Where I have dipped to drink again, to be
Faithful to the admonishment on her cup,
Remember the Giver fading off the lip.

In Memorium Of A Just Passed Poet

The Underground

By Seamus Heaney

There we were in the vaulted tunnel running,
You in your going-away coat speeding ahead
And me, me then like a fleet god gaining
Upon you before you turned to a reed

Or some new white flower japped with crimson
As the coat flapped wild and button after button
Sprang off and fell in a trail
Between the Underground and the Albert Hall.

Honeymooning, moonlighting, late for the Proms,
Our echoes die in that corridor and now
I come as Hansel came on the moonlit stones
Retracing the path back, lifting the buttons

To end up in a draughty lamplit station
After the trains have gone, the wet track
Bared and tensed as I am, all attention
For your step following and damned if I look back.

One Of My Favorite Teachings

The Hebrew words yir'ah (fear), and ahavah (love) overlap, in that the last two letters of fear form the first two letters of love. Thus, they interlink, as seen in the picture.  This shows how closeness and distance must be balanced.  That balance is the key to every relationship (with G-d, others, and self).

Vort

The word Tzibur - some say - stands for Tzadikim, Beinonim, and Reshaim hinting that a community is comprised of all types of people - righteous, average, and the opposite of righteous. (Heard in the name of Rav Kook and in the name of the Lubavitcher Rebbe).

Thoughts

Sometimes believing in people is challenging, sometimes more challenging than believing in G-d. It is a mitzvah to believe in G-d. I once heard a rabbi say that it is a mitzah to believe in oneself. I imagine it falls under "VeNishmartem me'od lenafshoteichem," (Devarim 4:15).

"Do not trust in princes who cannot save." (Psalms 146:3)" This seems to say that it is best not to trust in other people. Or maybe just princes/politicians, as per Avot 2:3: "Be careful with authorities, for they do not befriend a person except for their own sake. They appear as friends when they benefit from it, but they do not stand by a person in his time of need." I think Pirkei Avot applies to life and people in general.

And yet. There are people who deserve trust. Kindness. Realness. Integrity. Diligence. Perspective Empathy. Depth. Wisdom. Patience. Presence. Faith. These are some of the the traits that earn a person trust.

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I heard Rabbi Benzion Twerski tell the following story: His son was in the hospital recuperating from a car accident. His hospital room was filled with boys that were his friends. It was spirited and warm. One fellow started to play the violin and the other boys began to sing spiritual, slow songs together. The boy's mother decided to give them space and went into the hall. She sat right outside the room saying Tehillim. Her phone rang. A voice she bnever heard before said she was the mother of the boy playing the violin. She was calling from Switzerland. Her son called her and said that his friends mom was sitting alone and might enjoy someone to talk to.

Rabbi Twerski said that this story restored his faith in humanity.

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A BRIEF TALK FROM RABBI JJ SCHACHTER - My Notes

When Moshe is chosen he tries to decline the job and he says, send whoever you want (but not me). But G-d insists it will be him. Moshe seems to be a bit brazen in how he speaks to G-d. Also, he seems less than anxious to save the people that in the past he has shown that he cares for. Also, what is the meaning of the unusual phrasing about sending someone else.

Tradition has it that he was saying to send Elyahu HaNavi, the harbinger of redemption. He knew that with himself redemption would be a long and interrupted process. Out of his love for the Jewish People he wanted Elyahu to do it so that it would be done and ane for good. G-d said no, because redemption must be a process, must be done the way it was done by Moshe.

In life things take time. The Stamford marshmallow experiment with four year olds went as follows. They were told you can have one marshmallow now. Or wait 15 minutes and you get 2 marshmallows. Years later the kids were revisited, and all the ones who wated were better and more successful across the boards.

The ketchup commercial and song about anticipation is relevant. We have to wait in life. He was on a plane recently where after take off a kid asked her mom the back seat car question of old, "Are we there yet?" We need to wait in life, for so many things, in so many ways.

--------------------

When I was 17 I learned all of Sha'arei Teshuvah by Rabeinu Yonah of Geronah. It was meaningful to me. I was hurt when I was in a Jewish Studies course the next year in college and a student put down that book and all other mussar books saying there was no reason why they couldn't be read in the bathroom. I am pleased to say that the person who said that, all these years later, has matured and come to his senses. That book meant and means a li=ot to me. I was pleased when recently reading Erica Brown's book, Return. to see that she extensively quotes from Rabeinu Yohan and takes him very seriously.

One thing i remember from the book - I think it's from an essay at the end on the essence of teshuvah: Stick to what you believe is right, stick to doing the right things, to keeping mitzvot and even minhagim. If I recall correctly he gave the example of keeping Shaloshudes and says that if you're somewhere it's not being kept but you're makpid about it, you should speak up for yourself and get lechem mishnah. It sounds to me like a quite contemporary example.  I guess the more things change the more they stay the same.

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A friend of mine, last year, made a list of his top ten divrei Torah. I don't know if I could limit it to ten. I often find myself saying that, "This is one of my favorite ideas. Here are some.  Two short and one lonf.  Enjoy:

* The Talmud says that this world is compared to darkness. The Mishnah says that this world is like a banquet hall. Which is true? Both. This world is gorgeous, every spec of it. But the beauty has to be revealed. Through leading spiritual lives, through Torah, we continuously uncover the grandeur of this world. (Heard from RabbiZevulun  Charlop who quoted a not so well know source).

* In Sholomo HaMelech's instruction: "Chanoch lena'ar al pi darcho" - "Teach a youth according to his way," the word chanoch – teach - is written incompletely, without a vav. Rabbi Paysach Krohn notes that everyone likes this idea of teaching other people in their appropriate way when it applies to those we see as whole, the advanced students. However, when we look and don't find the vav, when someone has needs that challenge us, we are tempted to look away. This omission of a letter poses the metaphorical question: What do we do when the vav isn't there? The correct answer is that specifically in the case of a challenging student we must be vigilant do our best to meet his or her needs.

My thought on this is that according to the above cited approach, the word for youth - na’ar - should be written in an incomplete way. The fact that the verb chanoch - teach - is written incompletely tells us that difficulties that arise in teaching others come about not because of the incompleteness of the student but due to the imperfections of the teacher. No-one is perfect. And yet, parents, teachers, relatives, and friends must all try to teach as best we can, despite our own incompleteness. May we be so blessed.

* Rabbi Yitzchak Twersky (who used to work with me), based on the Abarbanel, says that the nachash/snake didn't talk, but that it was Chava's voice inside her head. Although she should have known better, Chava worked under the assumption that people and animals are the same. She chose (in the fashion that as a child I dubbed "accidentally on purpose") to think that G-d said not to eat from the tree because the tree was poisonous. She would only accept it in that way and could not accept that G-d said no because people and G-d have a relationship that includes commandments and rewards and punishments based on free will and choices. When she saw the snake rubbing up against the tree she decided that the tree must not be dangerous. Thinking that you couldn't even touch the tree, lest you die, was a logical follow up to the thought that the tree was forbidden because it was lethal. In Chava’s mind, as she saw the snake touching the tree she said to herself, "isn't it true that G-d said that you can't eat from all of the trees of the garden?"

If you read that question over again, you'll realize that one could argue that the answer to the question is yes. Because once you can't eat from one tree then it is true to say that you can not eat from all of the trees, as you can only eat in fact from some (albeit most) of the trees. That's one possibility of how she got from the one tree to all the trees in the garden, that it was based on her discomfort in having G-d control what trees she could eat from, even if it was only byHis  saying that just one tree was off limits.

The idea that the snake was actually Chava's voice is  applicable today. We weaken in resolve and in responsibility by talking about the yetzer hara as if it were a him, outside of ourselves. The snake/yetzer hara is a metaphor for a voice inside of us that we control. What this means is that the fruit had no power in and of itself but that the disobedient act of eating from the tree, and relying on their own judgment over G-d's, changed Adam and Chava’s thinking.

This can be understood through the analogy of parents and their son or daughter. If there’s a party and the parents feel it’s best to not go to that party, the child may assume that he or she knows the parents’ reason and that it won’t be a problem to disobey the parents because that reason doesn’t seem to apply. If the kid attends the party, he or she will never be the same. It may be that nothing of import happened at the party, but what changes the child forever is the act of trusting his or her own instinct over the authority of parents.

The question that comes to mind after taking in this approach is - why was the snake punished if he didn’t speak to Chava? The answer is that the "punishment" of the snake was a necessary consequence to show Chavah, and to remind people forever, that animals and people are different. Animals were created to serve people so they are "punished" as needed for people. This fits with what Rashi says about all the animals being "corrupt" and destroyed in the flood; they were only created to serve people and once people were corrupt, there was no use for animals. One strong indication that the snake never spoke is that when the snake is “punished,” we see no mention of his losing his power of speech. Another hole in the common conception that the snake spoke is that man is described upon his creation as a unique nefesh chayah, which Unkelus famously defines as ruach memalelah – a speaking soul, clearly implying that man was the only creation endowed with the power of speech.

May we be blessed to remember that as human beings we are unique. May we be blessed to be strong and to honor our relationship with G-d through obedience. May we be blessed to learn from Adam and Chavah’s error and to pursue and hold onto our closeness to G-d, which is the greatest choice we could make. May we be blessed to be spared from the mistake of thinking that we can override G-d's judgment with our own.

Once and Again

I write poems in poems, 
remember memories, 
recreate creations.

I hope for hope,
seek inspiration to inspire,
listen for music behind music.

I read for subtexts,
pray for a prayer,
come to an unfinished end.

Usually

Monday, August 26, 2013

I'm leaving Staten Island at some point before this day is over.  This after another extended stay.

I could write forever but i'm not sure it's the best way to go.  I was very struck by a recent review of a memoir by Saul Bellow's son in The New Yorker.  Before critiquing Leon Bellow, JamesWood lauded the daughters of Bernard Malamud, William Styron, and John Cheever for getting their dads and for getting what it means to be a writer.  But I wonder sometimes how healthy being a writer is and if the art that comes out in the end is worth the cost for the author and those around him.  Bellow points out, in a hurt and astute way, that when writers borrow (he says "steal") from real life it is not a victimless crime.  Wood seems to think it's all worth it. He sticks up for these writers who scored less highly as dads than as artists.  he writes, "Few six-teen year old boys dream of being a father, yet every good writer spent his or her teen-age years dreaming of being a writer, plotting how to become one, rehearsing and practicing, fantasizing and preparing." (The New Yorker - July 22, 2013) I wonder if Leon Bellow is not as off as Wood thinks. And I wonder if Wood is more off himself than he realizes.

On another note, related and unrelated at once, about how everything is googled today:

For centuries we have relied on books and other external memories, but the Internet, through the ease of searching, has invaded our actual thought processes. There are things I think I know, but I don't. What I know is how to instantly retrieve them when my global external memory is attached. As I become reliant on this kind of extended identity, losing my Internet connection is like a lobotomy—I feel an almost physical sense of loss as a portion of my intelligence is removed. I've become dependent on a new brain center that isn't located inside of my body.

A friend cited this and said it was from this link, but I don't see it there.(http://www.freesoftwaremagazine.com/node/1713). 

I'd love to write more, but I have to live in other ways.  So much to process, as an unusual summer of family shifts and a specific and unsustainable era comes to a close.  School starts this week.  Rosh haShana is next week.  Life goes on, must go on.  Thank G-d for life.

If someone says something to you they shouldn't have and you say something back you shouldn't have - they will often only remember the second half of the sequence. - Me

Marie Jo Salter On A Certain kind of Home

''As if being eighty-five or ninety 

and terrified and talked down to loudly 

and pushed around in wheelchairs by the staff 

all day weren't bad enough, 

for tonight's entertainment the local Brownies 

have come to sing Christmas carols.''

- Mary Jo Salter (b. 1954), U.S. poet. 

"Brownie Troop #722 Visits the Nursing Home," 

lines 1-6 (1994).

Wedding Ring

Sneak peek at a Jill Sobule song for an upcoming album in which each song's lyrics are written by an author. And each song is about a charm on an old charm bracelet Jill owns of someone she never knew named Dorothy.

The link is the fourth paragraph from the end - here.

WHY I LOVE YOU

Your pieces are lined up in a row
And so you appear to be a whole
You can easily be pulled apart
But mostly you stay together
You are such a simple one, yet
You are mysterious and complex
There’s nothing left to say except
I think you’re great – string cheese

Poem of the Night

Relationship are hard

Being alone is hard too

The hardest perhaps is

When the two combine

Is that the hardest lonely?

Together, yet still alone.

Like ·  · Promote · Shar

Haiku of the Night

Hunger is profound
Because it's not about food
It's for connection

9:42 AM - You can't go home again. I've written, and questioned, that quote so many times that i serves as some what of a record of times I blogged from my childhood home. It's been months now.  months since my dad fell.  months since my dad's been in his home.  Months since I've gone home again.

After Shul in Staten Island this morning I had a great chat with a fellow who was the assistant to the librarian one summer when i was teaching in Morasha.  In addition to davening and talking in learning with Josh/Shalom, I wrote this:

Our Sanctuaries
Should provide sanctuary
Protection and peace

Our Sanctuaries
Should provide sanctuary
For our darkest sides

10:17 AM - Off to walk to dad and the laundromat and the makolet.

Whatever the length of our lives, dear G-d
Give us strength, dear G-d, give us strength
Whatever our package our story our deal
However we think and whatever we feel
Give us strength, dear G-d, give us strength

12:33 PM - Got the laundry and some cold cuts and food that I hope held up in the walk and the heat. Dad has two visitors from Hillcrest. All of the family called my father from Israel. 

I just came across this poem that I wrote a year ago .  I work under the assumption that G-d accepts written petitions.

Wash me, wash me Father
Cleanse me Shabbos bride
Cleanse me with your water
Until there's nothing to hide

4:58 PM - Been taking care of things I need to take care of. The options I know of are a plag minyan at 6:10 or regular at I think - 7:25 or so, around candle lighting. Spoke to dad.  He had 5 visitors today, and me.

5:38 PM - I wish I drove... But I don't feel safe driving.  Strabismus.

7:30 PM - I wish everyone a Shabbat of Shalom of the highest kind of peace that's doable in this world, an Ellul of Ani Ledodi Vedodi Li - of love and return. I wish everyone growth and connection in life. I wish for everyone the balance of Shamor and Zachor, every day - the balance between keeping every deyail of G-d's law to the best of our ability, and of spiritually remembering what is between all the letters of all the laws, getting the meaning that's there for us.

On Teshuva

"Rabeinu Yonah called repentance a sanctuary, a place to escape the intensity of sin. It is also the place to embrace the strength needed to fight our hardest inner battles and our stubborn resistance to change.

By calling repentance a sanctuary, Rabeinu Yonah in Sha'arei Teshuva transformed an act into a space we can step into and know that we are home, and we are safe."

- From Return, By Erica Brown, page 1

As Rafi Sang, Thanks A Lot

A dear friend of mine likes to say in answer to inquiries as to how he is that it's like the weather - ask tomorrow and it could be totally different. We all go up and down in moods, but to different levels within the spectrum (just like we all breath but we don't all hyperventilate). (On a note, which is not the one one I intended to focus on I want to say that this friend is one of a bunch that I came to be close with through this blog. Often a blog is a one way mirror and that can be quite annoying to me,  that you see me but I don't see you. I am grateful for those those who let me know that they were reading and became my close friends). (Shout outs to Riverdale, Monsey, Rhode Island, Pasaic, Teaneck, Englewood, Guatemala City, and The Holy Land.) (Apologies to you who I forgot, especially if it hurt because you really thinking I would've and should've included you/your place here.) (That reminds of something else which is not what I planned on writing about right now - that there's a special kind of kindness is noticing the person off of center stage). What I wanted to say is that I'm having a moment, lasting a day so far, in a good way.  I am grateful to G-d for the goodness I feel.

Haiku - Pick a Version

Minute by minute
We breathe the breath of our lives
the rest of our lives

Minute by minute
We breathe the breath of our lives
being who we are

Unsubtle

"'Interesting,' she said in that way that frum people say things when they're sussing you up as not being so frum in response to a behavior or opinion you've revealed."

Comments Please!

5 Haiku 5

we like gravity
but we need to learn to float
let gravity go

given the givens
we are given in our lives
we give it a try

quiet interludes
add to and enhance our lives
because they are breaks

when something is strained
you need to give it a rest
forcing doesn't help

life is a market
we are in it or on it
we get what we can

haiku two

It's silly to say
"we have a situation"
when don't we have one?

haiku of the day

to those who curse me
make my soul quiet and calm
- to the blessers too

Memoirs

When I was a kid they were written at the end of an old person's life.  In the late nineties I remember the Times' book reviewer making a big deal about how Slow Motion was a new thing, a young person's memoir.  That trend has grown like I don't know what.  I know that it's popular with people, and with me.  I know that people are making careers off of young memoirs.  I know that they are some of my favorite books.  Here are a few off the top of my head that I've really liked. Since I generally do go to Amazon I've tried to link to places other than Amazon to keep it interesting.

Beautiful Unbroken
I'm Proud of You
The World's Strongest Librarian
The Reading Promise
Slow Motion
A Broom of One's Own
Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life

I Am The Rider AND The Horse

All summer long I've been holding onto a piece about physical appearance, aging, etc.  Still holding.

I just chanced upon this blog post by Larry Livermore on the topic.  It's not me, not my voice, not my thoughts, well not any of them exactly. And also -  it's not irrelevant to my issue:

Of course looks matter.  They matter immensely.  Trying to pretend – or fool oneself into believing – that they don’t has been the source of endless disappointment, conflict and mental illness.  That holds true whether you’re talking about who you fall in love with, the sort of work you devote your life to, or the esteem in which you hold other people or yourself.

“At age 50, every man has the face he deserves,” said George Orwell, and while I wonder how he figured that out (having himself died at 46), I suspect it’s true even if you cut “at age 50″ from the equation.  Yes, a pretty, unblemished young face can mask a malevolent disposition, but not for long and only if you don’t look closely enough.

I think people make the mistake of believing that “growing up” (or growing old) means to accept, even revel in encroaching physical decrepitude while cultivating “higher things” like truth, wisdom, inner beauty, that sort of crap.  In my opinion, this will never work, and by that I don’t mean it’s possible or even desirable to look 18 or 21 forever – well, maybe; let me get back to you on that one – but that the minute you start thinking you can trade external for internal beauty, the minute you think that the two can even be separated, you begin to lose both.

I have a lot to say, and not to say, on the topic. It's hard to escape the truths in Larry's words. And yet, there are those (see the Talmud story about the wine and the barrels) who wish to say beauty doesn't matter (though I know of no other way to understand the prohibition of a kohein having a blemish, than to say that looks matter). (And what to make of the Talmudic ruling that one must see his spouse before he marries her "lest he find something reviling in her..?")

One thing i think we can all agree on is that caring for our body for health reasons is a must, at least according to a true Jewish ethic (despite the "religious" inclination to let one's body go). 

Our soul only has one home on this earth.

Here's something I wrote 5 years ago:

Are Those Rubber Sole Shoes?
By Neil Fleischmann

One day my body
will fall away
like a peanut shell.
That's what I learned
in my yeshiva days.

Those were just words,
and that was long before
the nut started cracking,
filling with dotted lines
to tear upon.

Those were just words,
spoken without due respect
to "the irrelevant piece,
the unessential,
the husk."

I'm 45 and it's 7:20 A.M.
treadmill sweat trickles my head.
I self inflict pain because I -
the rider and the horse -
I want to stay alive.

There's No-place

10:31 PM - Just got home from visiting dad since Thursday. On the bus I thought of all these thing that I considered bloggable.  Now, not so much.

For the past 8 days (plus, due to my Staten Island stay) I've been (hopefully) not eating 4 foods (avocado, eggplant, tomatoes, and nuts), which was challenging (I messed up on day 5 in my first attempt and had to start over). Tomorrow is test day, please G-d.  Say a little prayer for me.

11:15 PM - Ate something, settled in.  There's something about your own space. It's not the decor or amount of space that makes you feel good in a place but feeling that you belong and are welcome.  It's good to be home.

Not Modern Thinking, But Truth

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” 

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Untitled

3: 41 PM - Back in the house, be back with dad in  bit. When I was leaving just now dad thanked me for being with him as he always does.  Then he added a special word, which really meant a lot to me, thanking me for sacrificing being at the wedding even though unlike him i could have easily, physically been there. I told him that I was keeping my word that i gave him early on in this process.

He had asked me back then what would happen if he didn't go to Israel for the wedding.  I told him then that if he didn't go then I wouldn't go.  Back then he said, We'll see." I told him now that we never discussed it after that one time and that I was sticking to what we'd originally agreed on.  He said now that there was no need for discussion and thanked me profusely, gave me kudos.  it meant the world to me.  I love my dad.

My Nephew's Wedding

10:30 AM - Dad is just coming through his door.  One hour till we watch our nephew/grandson's wedding at http://new.livestream.com/bti/kovi-nechama

11:59 AM - My nephew just veiled his bride,  He's crying. My brother handed him a tissue.  I'm remembering him crying as a newborn.

12:08 PM - His parents just walked him down to the chupah.  His mom put his kittel on. His parents are all smiles and palpable nachas.  He is shuckeling and davening as intensely as his kallah was a few moments ago at the bedekking.

My niece just walked down. Giant, genuine, smile. Now the brides maternal grandparents. Now the kallah's brother. Her sister. The bride and her parents.

Now she and the mothers are circling him.The groom is praying super intently.  I hope all his prayers are answered for good. Her brother is doing the announcing.  He just made a shout out to the two grandfathers who can not be there. My dad, Opa's been getting a lot of shout outs, regards, and good wishes.

They are married.  The brachot were said by HaKotel's Rabbi Taragin. He's put the ring on her finger. Now he's put on a tallis.

12:27 PM - Rabbi Taragin is speaking, mentioned by dad by name in his brief words of blessing for the bride and groom. Now the ketubah is being read with fervor by an Israeli Rav. My brother and sister in law are beaming more than imaginable.  The groom is shuckeling front to back, the bride swaying side to side.

The old Avinu Malkeinu tune is being played follwing the reading of the ketubah.

Brachot

1. and 2. Zaidie on bride's mother's side.
2. Rav Yehuda Wagshul Groom's mom's brother - a rebbe in Mir
3. Rosh Beit Medrash of Shalavim For Women
4. Rabbi Jesse Horn of Yeshivat HaKotel
5. Stevie Zeitchik, husband of my sister in law's sister
6. Rabbi Avraham Chaim Feuer, Rav of bride's parents
(if I heard right)
7. Did I miscount?

12:44 - Close up of post chuppah dancing around chatan and kallah. They are holding hands so sweetly.  May they feel and be so weet to one another for the rest of their lives.

Heading into the yichud room...

Now dad and I are eating our lunches as the camera pans the beautifully set tables in the gorgeous banquet hall in Yerushalayim.

12:59 PM - Dad's still working on his meatballs, spaghetti, and mashed potatoes (though the menu called for pureed cauliflower with mushrooms). I finished my mexican flavored turkey breast (even though dad said I wasn't allowed to eat it because it said it was a family pack) and my rice cakes (nothing says I'm trying to watch my weight louder than rice cakes).

1:28 PM - All the first cousins and their kids just came up to the camera and sent love and warm regards to my father.  My brother just called my father saying they just came out and they were doing pictures.

1:55 PM - My sister in law just came up to the screen and spoke to my father saying that she misses him and hopes, "Im yirtzeh Hashem to be and celebrate with him soon."

2 PM - They should soon be coming out for first dance...

2:08 PM - They're playing intro, fast music - seeming to indicate that they're about to come out.  The crowd is gathering...

2:11 PM - Here they are!

2:28 PM - First dance still going strong.

3:08PM - The meal has started and the streaming has ended.

Mazal Tov!

HIM

Tapping his rolled newspaper on his knee
He distributes his essence generously

Like flying particles of a sneeze
He spreads his germs with abundant ease

Don't wait, know now it's true
Impatience as an unvirtue

On helping - Repost Due To Response

Years ago I was eating a Shabbos meal in someone's house. I stepped into the doorway of the kitchen and said I was wondering if I could help. The hostess gladly obliged. She said that when someone at the table asks if he or she can help she always says no. But if someone comes to the kitchen she always says yes.

You might say it seems pushy or wrong to just walk to the kitchen. I don't think, if done right, that it is a problem. 

Right now I'm seeing this remembered anecdote as a metaphor. When people say feel free to call, I'm here to help, it doesn't help as much as someone showing (with a call, email, visit, smoke signal) that they're here to help.

Sunday

10:25 AM - Back from briefly visiting dad (he was in the middle of waiting for physical therapy).

8:07 PM - Visited dad, sat and ate and read and talked with him in his room and in te outside patio area for
hours. Sleeping over in Staten Island for fourth night in a row, hope to watch the wedding tomorrow.

"Welcome to the wedding of Nechama Goldstein and Kovi Fleischmann

The wedding will appear on this page LIVE from Kedma in Neve Ilan, Israel at 6:30pm (Israel time) on Monday, August 19th. You can log-in with Facebook to comment on, tweet, like and share any of the photos or videos on the page.

Dear family and friends,

We will miss you during our special day, unfortunately you can't celebrate with us, since you are miles away. We will be davening for you and in our thoughts you will be, So have fun watching our wedding and enjoy what you see. love, Nechama and Kovi

Message to our grandfathers and uncles who were unfortunately not able to make it.

We miss you Opah ,Neil ,Saba and Richard !! We hope you are watching us now as we walk down the aisle ! Opah and Saba,we hope you have a Refuah Sheleima B'karov !! We are davening for you. Feel good! We wish you were here , and we love you so much!! love, Nechama and Kovi"

On My Book

There is writing which I know I have in me, but the question is if I have it in me to share it with the world.

I Am My Own Blind Spot. - Me

Good Vuch

9:04 PM - Just returned from shul in NYC's largest borough.  Someone spoke at Shaloshudes (I've heard it's called Shalosh Se'udot - three meals, because if you eat it you reward retroactively for all three meals because it's the one voted most likely to be done for the sake of the mitzvah and not just because you're hungry for the meal) about "the three stars" Here's a summation:

Is it that the three stars confirm that it's night or do the three stars make it night?  What's the difference in practical application (nafkah minah)? You can't have testimony on a part of something.  If the stars make it night then you can't have separate testimony on any one anything but all three stars as a unit because since they make it night testimony on any one star is only partial testimony and therefore it is invalid. But if night just happens and three stars in the sky are an indication that night has arrived then they are not the thing itself and you can therefore have testimony on one or two of the stars separate from the others. 

A proof that night comes on it's own and is designated but not made by the stars is offered by Rav Elchonon Wasserman (from whom this whole piece was being cited): The Torah refers to complete days, half day and half night, before the stars were created on the fourth day. 

After the lomdus was gone the speaker concluded with a version of this story.

11:00 PM - Caught up with an old friend who, like everyone, has got stuff. I wonder if loyalty over everything is what defines friendship.

11:12 PM - Someone I know from years ago and see when I'm here (and have seen time and again in very recent years and I could have sworn we each know where the other is at in life) asked me in Shul what I'm doing in the neighborhood. I explained.  He asked if my wife was here. I (thought for a fraction of a second and then) said no.  He asked if she was at home then.  I said, "I'm not married." He said, "I thought I heard you got married."  I said, "I don't think so."

11:59 + - Years ago I was eating a Shabbos meal in someone's house. I stepped into the doorway of the kitchen and said I was wondering if I could help. The hostess gladly obliged. She said that when someone at the table asks if he or she can help she always says no. But if someone comes to the kitchen she always says yes.

You might say it seems pushy or wrong to just walk to the kitchen. I don't think, if done right, that it is a problem. 

Right now I'm seeing this remembered anecdote as a metaphor. When people say feel free to call, I'm here to help, it doesn't help as much as someone showing (with a call, email, visit, smoke signal) that they're here to help.

I'm thinking about Saul Bellow. His writing always feels dusty to me.  I believe people whose opinions I respect when they tell me he's great.  Then I try to read him and I can't get past a few lines.  it just feels muted and inaccessible. He's on my mind because of a recent New Yorker review of his son's memoir.  James Wood takes Leon Bellow to task for his take on his father. He analyzes Leon (who is a psychoanalyst) and finds him to be dishonest with himself, helplessly un-self aware.  It's fascinating.  In passing there's Leon's line saying that stealing from people's lives for "fiction" is not a victimless crime.  Wood is a big fan o fiction and sticks up for Saul on this and every other count.  This got me thinking of the writing I have in me, which I know I have in me, but the question is if I have it in me to share it with the world.

PROMPTLY

Maybe I’m not preemptive enough

Heck, the word’s not even in my repertoire

I only used it because I got it as a prompt

From a random word prompt website

Which I went to, in a fashion typical of me

Because I like being prompted externally

Rather than listening to my inner prompts

Rather than being preemptive

UNDOCUMENTED

I often don’t carry a photo ID

I don’t drive, no license needed

Passport is for special occasions

I’m not big on documentation

I am adept at reading and writing

I am qualified to teach English

I have no advanced graduate degree

I’m not big on documentation

Above all else be human, be kind

This is the essence of the Torah

I could cite verses but I won’t

I’m not big on documentation

I don’t always have a source

For what I believe to be true

Other than that I feel it inside

I’m not big on documentation

Good night and May G-d Bless

Head, Heart

By Lydia Davis

wwwHeart weeps.

wwwHead tries to help heart.

wwwHead tells heart how it is, again:

wwwYou will lose the ones you love. They will all go. But

even the earth will go, someday.

wwwHeart feels better, then.

wwwBut the words of head do not remain long in the ears of

heart.

wwwHeart is so new to this.

wwwI want them back, says heart.

wwwHead is all heart has.

wwwHelp, head. Help heart.

What's a Library?

I spent about 8 hours straight with dad today - helped with various things, like changing an online password via phone contact and being online. Also negotiated with the speech therapist. And and and.  The day went, a good deal of talking, etc. 3 neighborhood friends came by at 4ish for a brief visit. I walked to a local grocery and stocked up on some food.

It's been a long week back and forth and back between Staten island and Washington heights.  Various medical appointments (for me), Just from the long trip here and visit and settling in last night and getting up early this morning and then having a full day of keeping dad company and keeping a caring eye our - it's exhausting.

Soon Shabbos.  i feel guilty about napping.  But boy could I use one.  I feel too tired to do things I need to do now - like preparing for Shabbos. I fear not staying awake in shul.  And I fear falling asleep at the meal on my cousins Lewis and Diane. I feel like I need a nap NOW...

Good Shabbos and G-d Bless

A Little Better

It's 8:17, just got back from the 7:20 minyan. I met a nice man on the way to shul and again on the way back. He asked me if I'm retired. I told him I'm 50. This goes along with the woman at the movie theater who asked if I wanted the senior ticket, or the guy at the playhouse who asked if (stated that) the friend I was waiting for was an older gentleman.  It goes with the several occasions that I've been asked if (told that) a student I was speaking to outside of school was my son. It goes along with many things that I keep tucked into my beard, the white one that makes me look older than I am.

I remember when I couldn't imagine my hair turning grey or white.  Just two years ago life felt a little lighter because my hair was a lot darker.  Recently this topic came up in a social interaction and I mentioned that  I'd thought of dying my hair. She said, "Isn't it not allowed."  I told her that I asked a rabbi of mine and got a psak from a major posek.  "So why don't you dye it?" The answer I didn't say was, "Because I don't it's awkward to deal with people who ask aloud, or to themselves, "Isn't that assur?"

In July I wrote but didn't post a long piece on this topic - age, hair, hair color, perceptions, physical vs. spiritual, and and and. And I'm going to try to let it go. For now.

In shul an idea re-dawned on me that I have shared here before:

נְקַדֵּשׁ אֶת שִׁמְךָ בָּעוֹלָם, כְּשֵׁם שֶׁמַּקְדִּישִׁים אוֹתוֹ בִּשְׁמֵי

מָרוֹם, כַּכָּתוּב עַל יַד נְבִיאֶךָ: וְקָרָא זֶה אֶל זֶה וְאָמַר

      

"May we sanctify Your name in the world 

  just like they sanctify it in the high heavens."

In heaven no-one is sanctifying G-ds name in a phony, for show, kind of way - why would they? In heaven they have a focused, unconfused goal of serving G-d. We pray that our service on earth be done with sincerity and lack of pretension just as the angels do it in heaven.

Balance the balance

The balance of our life's work

Balanced by G-d's hand

This poem relates to the fact that the story of Amalek in this week's parsha (Ki Tieitzei) follows the law requiring honest weights and measures. The idea may be that we become vulnerable to the effects of the Amaleks in our lives and in our selves when we are imbalanced.  Balance is key.

As shul ended two men got into chavrusa position (Gemorahs open, each seated facing each other from two sides of a narrow table). In the second before they went into their learning one of them (a 76 year old, give or take a year) asked the other (a twenty or thirty something), "How are you feeling today - a little better?" The younger man replied, "Yes, a little better."  And then they started their study session. I was struck by this (I get struck regularly).  

The fellow asked who was basically told that by the other fellow that he had to be feeling a little better had little choice but to agree. When we say something like "How are you feeling - a little better? With no pause between the ostensible question and our assumed answer we make it difficult for another person to feel comfortable sharing the truth if it doesn't match our presumption. Many of us don't like to disagree with something someone just told us if it's not an urgent matter. It can be awkward to correct someone, one may come off sounding like a grouch ("actually, you're mistaken, I'm feeling much worse") in the face o someone who on the surface was asking a caring question.  If it really is to be a caring question it should be open ended - "How are you feeling?" And there should be eye contact and affect and a pause that follows filled with eagerness to know the answer.  That's what I think.  I was taken (struck) by how this fellow, who is a prominent social worker and rabbi presented this seemingly innocuous communication to his learning partner.

GNAGB

9 PM - Got to dad at about 8:30, left home at 5:40. Traffic, traffic, and more traffic. Just met with the speech therapist along with dad. Listened as dad spoke to his friend Esther about a female doing a bris.

10:30 PM - Just got to brother's house a few minutes ago. I brought my netbook and my laptop and havve them both charging. My brother said it's a good idea to have a back up computer for the live feed just like they had back up videos recorded when he proposed to my sister in law at Shea Stadium. The rehab place where dad is also has a rec room with computers in it. I think, please G-d, we're good on the computer front. There's 3 days, 12 hours and 49 minutes till the wedding will be live streaming, please G-d.

11:20 PM - Been acclimating. It's a nice space to be in, a different feel than my apartment.  Maybe meshaneh makom meshaneh mazal for the best. 

It's been an interesting time since the Shabbos after Shavuot when my dad had an unfortunate (more fortunate than it could have been, thank G-d) fall.  Thankfully we're past the ICU and the surgery and the hospital.  But it's still a thing.  I've been trying my best to be here for dad as best as possible.  It's been a bit trying in relation to my job and my life.  Still, I love my dad so much and am ever grateful to him for giving me life in many ways, many times. Again. Again.

11:49 PM - Answering emails and and and.

11:55 and beyond

I can rhyme anytime

even when I'm tired

because I'm wired

Don't we all 

have a call

in our head 

that keeps us from bed

that keeps us loose

our creative juice? 

Sometime it pays to not laugh or weep

 but simply to go to sleep

I have to break away 

happens every day

but I really must 

show a little trust  

My next line you may guess

good night and G-d bless.