Wednesday, June 29, 2016

From Thought to Thought

When you don't just live through what your eyes see outside of your body life is different in texture and taste.  When you have a world inside of you that's always moving and shaking you you need more time to rest.

Every moment is particular, including this one now.

I feel strongly that inside us is where the ups and downs actually happen.

This post has been written in stints. It may or may not be posted in the middle of a night/in the early morning hours. I like it to say the night of the day before; even when it's early in the morning the next day, feels more right.

I love writing.  Writing teacher Jennifer Natalia Fink changed my life.  I was in my upper 30s, not a kid, but I was a happy student in her workshop, actually learning.  She would speak of vomiting words out onto the page. She did not believe in taking substances to affect your consciousness.  But she did like the idea of (still does, I imagine) in taking advantage of naturally altered states.  Like when she wrote while experiencing an ear infection.  This comes to mind when I write, feeling tired, and in a strange way, find my style differently inspired.

I am grateful for the wide array of moments in life, like this one shooting by, during which I feel content.

Who is happy? He who feels rich with what he has.

There are things beyond words, and everything goes back to G-d.  I find , lately, that I think more and more about the inefficient language we use for G-d. They say that a good metaphor takes you away from the thing you're looking at for a second so that when you go back you see it more clearly.  But when it comes to G-d, do we go back?  And when we return from images of G-d as husband, father, or king, do we see G-d more clearly?  No, no; there is something off about how we talk about G-d.  Silence, perhaps is the greatest praise.

You have to choose your silence carefully.

Hunger is an altered state which for me is pretty mainstream - then I eat.  It's like tiredness, no stranger to me.  And then, eventually, I sleep.

When I wait a little longer to eat and sleep then my writing and my self are a little more raw, a little more real.

I am hungry now.  I was tempted to say starving, but that's crazy talk.  People who are truly starving people and I have little in common.

Another moment, this one after having eaten and slept.  After an afternoon nap I always feel better.  And guilty.  Same with eating, afterwards I feel good, but often know I didn't eat as well as I could have and thus there's guilt.

About 30 years (summer of '88) ago right before I left Israel I asked a Rebbe of mine to tell me a DT.  On the spot he addressed why weights and measures are discussed right before Amalek.  Perhaps, he suggested, our Amaleks get to us when we are off balance.  I yearn for balance, even when I have it.

Have you ever recommended someone? As part of my work/life I've written recommendations hundreds of times.  The point is to say what you believe while doing a good job at sales, i.e. not underselling. I once wrote a recommendation for a friend.  This (like so many things I think about) was years ago.  I included one bit of mild, constructive (I thought) criticism, amidst abundant praise.  I showed it to my friend.  My friend was furious. I took it out. This question nags at me. It's about more than recommendations.  When we look at someone and then review what we see, how much negative should we keep in the picture?

Day and night , like everything else, are both real and metaphorical.

"Charlene," by Vance Gilbert just started playing on Pandora. Here's the song being sung. And here are the lyrics. The lai lai lais sound Jewish.  The emotion runs deep in this song as he sings it and in my heart as I hear it. On so many levels.

Don't let the blessing of a simple person be light in your eyes.

Two Passovers ago I met Vance after having been a fan for many years.  I had a private dinner and conversation with him over which we connected in a deep way.  He performed in a synagogue and he felt strongly that he wanted to wear a yarmulke out of respect.  I was taken by that, as I was by so much about him.  

The picture above is a candle in the dark, on my nightstand.  
I took another shot of it with the flash on 
and in that one you see all the clutter around this. 
Without external flash the fire inside shines.

I wonder if it's worth it to get a full body medical scan.  Isn't it worth it if there's a way to find out whatever issues might be going on with your body? 

I wish I could get a full scan that reveals my mental health issues.  And one that reveals spiritual concerns.


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