"So Am I, Let's All Go In And Have A Cup Of Tea"

Could it be that when we mourn the death of someone we are really mourning a loss of part of ourselves? If this is true is it a bad thing? Does this say that humans are selfish by nature? Or is it just the way it is because there is not much tragedy for the one who passed on because cliches are sometimes true and they go to a better place; we're the one's here and without them.

The Google people are geniuses. They take ideas that already exist and make them better (smart this is, moral - I don't know). They did it with a search engine (anyone hear of Yahoo?) and with free email (anyone hear of Hotmail?) and more. Now they out Facebook Facebook. The pitch below was written with people in mind, people like me who approach Facebook with one big question mark.

"Among the most basic of human needs is the need to connect with others. With a smile, a laugh, a whisper or a cheer, we connect with others every single day.

Today, the connections between people increasingly happen online. Yet the subtlety and substance of real-world interactions are lost in the rigidness of our online tools.

In this basic, human way, online sharing is awkward. Even broken. And we aim to fix it.

We’d like to bring the nuance and richness of real-life sharing to software. We want to make Google better by including you, your relationships, and your interests. And so begins the Google+ project..."

The details on their blog sound scarier. And yet.

A friend just had to postpone plans due to unexpected sad stuff and explained that this wasn't planned. My response was to say that bad news is never planned.

Do you have dreams over and over again? I do. I have that old cliched one that everyone seems to have some version of (not everyone, but it is common) which involves school. In my version I owe some courses and can't finish college due to technicalities relating to what I owe but can't make up. It feels so real every time, even though sometimes in the dream I remember having dreamt about it, but I think - this time it's real. I also have a recurring dream involving Israel, usually the Old City and often including Rav Nachman Kahane. In one version there is a beach that you enter via the Old City. Sometimes I'm leaving Israel and there are technical ticket difficulties relating to leaving and also the fact that I haven't bought presents for people. Usually there is a finding of meaning and spirit at the Kotel, though it's generally not an easy trip getting there. Last night I had another one of my dream remakes. This was the one that involved driving-not driving. I dreamed I drove somewhere and then it got dangerous as I couldn't keep my lane and so I pulled over (long story short).

In 1988 I had a hard time hearing a friend tell me that to be a poet I had to read poetry. Now I know that he was right. As often as I can - and thank G-d for summer - I try to discover and inhale new poems. Here's a poet fresh off my heart:

The Three Oddest Words

By Wislawa Szymborska

When I pronounce the word Future,
the first syllable already belongs to the past.

When I pronounce the word Silence,
I destroy it.

When I pronounce the word Nothing,
I make something no non-being can hold.

True Love

By Wislawa Szymborska

True love. Is it normal
is it serious, is it practical?
What does the world get from two people
who exist in a world of their own?

Placed on the same pedestal for no good reason,
drawn randomly from millions but convinced
it had to happen this way - in reward for what?
For nothing.
The light descends from nowhere.
Why on these two and not on others?
Doesn't this outrage justice? Yes it does.
Doesn't it disrupt our painstakingly erected principles,
and cast the moral from the peak? Yes on both accounts.

Look at the happy couple.
Couldn't they at least try to hide it,
fake a little depression for their friends' sake?
Listen to them laughing - its an insult.
The language they use - deceptively clear.
And their little celebrations, rituals,
the elaborate mutual routines -
it's obviously a plot behind the human race's back!

It's hard even to guess how far things might go
if people start to follow their example.
What could religion and poetry count on?
What would be remembered? What renounced?
Who'd want to stay within bounds?

True love. Is it really necessary?
Tact and common sense tell us to pass over it in silence,
like a scandal in Life's highest circles.
Perfectly good children are born without its help.
It couldn't populate the planet in a million years,
it comes along so rarely.

Let the people who never find true love
keep saying that there's no such thing.

Their faith will make it easier for them to live and die.

There's no such thing as on time, you're either early or late. There's no such thing as staying the same weight, you either gain or lose. "Udelo mosif yaseif."

A blessed woman: "Every day I see or hear something that more or less kills me with delight, that leaves me like a needle in the haystack of light." ~ Mary Oliver

In preparation for Tamuz/Av I bought Erica Brown's book, In The Narrow Places - Daily Inspiration For The Three Weeks. She begins by stating that the book was written in an expansive rather than a constricted context, and that perhaps this causes her capturing of loss to be flawed. Nevertheless she is grateful to the publishers, editors,grant providers, family friends, community, and colleagues. She states that the book honors the memory of her relatives who were murdered during the Holocaust in the Polish town of Zakrzewek and that this "is that closest touch-point" that she has for the destruction of the Temple and Jerusalem.

Dr. Brown begins her introduction by pointing out that Tisha B'Av and more-so Shiva Asar B'Tamus and the three weeks in between are generally neglected and go unrecognized. Many Jews don't observe the rituals of this time and many of those do keep the customs of this period view it as an inconvenience rather than getting into it in a meaningful manner. She writes that "the Jewish community at large has not embraced Tisha B'Av despite the fact that it is a day which is nationally cathartic. She suggests that American Jews like most Americans place comfort as a high priority and that causes them to hold Tisha B'Av at bay. She notes that American Jews do mourn for the destruction Holocaust because the recent loss of millions of Jewish people is more easily understood and felt than what people perceive as the inaccessible loss of a building that never meant anything to them in the first place. Brown points out that sadly people don't realize that what we mourn for in the days approaching Tisha B'Av and on that day itself is "the loss of an aspect of our relationship with G-d."

Citing Cicero Dr. Brown develops the idea that a mature person is a person who has a sense of history and that the reverse of that assertion is true as well. Unfortunately in America today there is little sense of history, she points out, reminding us of what we all see with our own eyes - that "American holidays are generally commemorated without a historical context." The problem is made worse by the youthfulness worship of American culture, which poo poos looking back.

Happiness, Brown points out, is all the rage in America today - as illustrated by the approximately 17, 000 results that come up when you go to Amazon and search "books on happiness." However, people suffer by neglecting suffering because "suffering humanizes us." And when people morn communally for a tragedy they have in common "they form intense and unique bonds."

Tisha B'Av provides us with words and time to feel and express our pain, Brown explains. She says that this period of mourning provides the glue that can hold us together as a people.

So far I am finding the book meaningful. After the introduction, which is 25 pages long, there is a thought for each day of the 3 weeks of mourning (and one for the day after). Each of those pieces average about 4 pages in length. From what I can tell this book can be very helpful during this time of year.

"Du du du du du du, it's just another day."

I like poetry. I am particularly interested in frum poets, especially Jewish ones. The one I feel most at home with is Zelda. I wish I could have met her over tea and cookies. She writes about light, as many poets do. With Zelda there is no taint of heresy or hint of other godliness in her work. People like Colette Aboulker-Muscat and Rumi touch me, as do ancient Japanese Poets like Matzu Basho, as do Christian poets like CK Chesterton and more recently CS Lewis. The list goes on. And yet, they don't speak with a voice that I feel totally comfortable with, the way I do with Zelda. No-one hits the nail on the head like Zelda.

I think I'd have been a chasid of R Yehuda HeLevi had we only overlapped chronologically and geographically. I am a devotee of the Author of the Torah, the best book of poetry/song ever written. Also, all the rabbis who contributed to our liturgy, including the authors of the ever unpopular kinnot and selichot were outstanding poets, who purposely wrote poems - despite efforts to act like it was some kind of accident and we're stuck with all these prayers that somehow seem to be poems. In recent times rabbis and other frum Jews have started to publish poetry again.

Here's one example:

THE IVORY TOWER

By Yaakov Asher Sinclair

(from his website, linked to above, of photography, essays, and poetry.)

my ivory tower
turns out to be
a concrete blockhouse.
can I break down the walls
or will I just keep printing
the same old stationery?
The Ivory Tower.
The Ivory Tower.

More poetry later.

I just watched an Israeli movie called Jellyfish. It's powerful and well made. At the end, to my surprise I discovered that it was co-directed by Etgar Keret, a super-talented Israeli writer. His work can border on (or cross the border of) the morbid and the absurd. This film is fantastical, mythical, poetical, beautiful. If you can't live easily with unanswered questions, awkward silences, the meaning that rests impossibly in words but possibly in the spaces in between this movie's not for you. If you can reverse that last sentence and it suits you once reversed then you will enjoy this film.

There's a new book out called In The Narrow Places. It's the first book I know of with a reflection for each day of The Three Weeks. I like the author's writing (Erica Brown) in general. I hope this will be helpful to me and others. Perhaps it will start a trend (though hopefully full redemption will come before then), Some years back one book appeared with a thought and an assignment for each day of the Omer. Since then I know of two similar works - all helpful.

Which do you want more - to be loved or respected? How do you define those terms? Is either one without the other somewhat dissatisfying to you? (Me too.) Is respect and for that matter love predicated on position or age, or is it possible that it can and should go in all directions? Do we live by - "Who is respected, he who respects others?"

I just came across two nice quotes:

1. Knowledge Talks. Wisdom Listens.

2. Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you. ~ Mother Teresa

Today it happened again. Why is that some of the people who like my book most, who I would be quick to gift it to - and offer to, are the people who feel most strongly about paying me for my work.

Here's a contemporary Jewish poet:

A Jewish Poet (Excerpt)
By Yehoshua November
(as featured in The Jewish Week's review By Sandee Brawarsky)

It is hard to be a Jewish poet.

You cannot say things about God
that will offend the disbelievers.
And you always have to remind
someone
it wasn’t your people who killed
their savior.
And Solomon and David are
always laughing
over your shoulder
like a father and son ridiculing
the unfavored brother.
And you cannot entice people
with the sloping
parts of a woman’s body
because you mist always
remain pure.
And every day you have to ask
yourself why you’re writing
when there is already the one
great book
It’s hard to be a Jewish poet.
You cannot say anything about
the disbelievers,
which might offend God.

I am working on a review of a new book of Jewish poetry that I love. The intro of the book says not to excerpt except for reviews. I've committed to reviewing it on another website. So, we'll all just have to wait.

I don't recall if I shared here that I recently discovered that a friend of mine is the granddaughter of my kindergarten teacher, Racheil. It took some clarifying. Soup bowl haircut? Yes. Accent? Yes. Great teacher, remembered forever? Yes.

"Take wisdom where you find it" - Rambam

"As your gas tank approaches empty, you don't sit and get depressed and think it's permanent. You go fill it up. It's the same with life—when you're running on empty go fill your tank with a better thought, emotion, or action and get on with life." — Esther Hicks

I'm not usually one to mix blogging and Facebook, but I got a kick out of the fact that I received a record number of likes (all from people I know) for my comment below:

Howie Beigelman

So cool. Marina now has deli roll @ shmorg

• 
  
  
  

  Neil Fleischmann Reminds me of a routine of mine about single men and women invited to friends' wedding - in short, the women allow sad thoughts about their own age and odds to creep in and the guys go, "I hope they have those little hot dogs in blankets! I love those!!!"
  

  3 hours ago · · 4 people

Until a few moments ago I thought that the line was "What a drag it is getting home." It's actually "getting old." You probably knew that. To me "getting home" makes sense because the song is about a house-wives and how they cope-don't cope. The friend who corrected me chuckled a bit, just as I did - and think now that I perhaps shouldn't have - at my friend who thought that another line was "You put the lion in the coconut."

I just discovered Marilyn Nelson in the latest issue of Image. She's interviewed and has some great comments, such as: "I'm one of the lucky ones with too happy a life for poetry." Here's a real deal poem of hers. She's good, and deserves all the praise she gets:

Thank you for these tiny particles of ocean salt, pearl-necklace viruses, winged protozoans: for the infinite, intricate shapes of submicroscopic living things. For algae spores and fungus spores, bonded by vital mutual genetic cooperation, spreading their inseparable lives from equator to pole. My hand, my arm, make sweeping circles. Dust climbs the ladder of light. For this infernal, endless chore, for these eternal seeds of rain: Thank you. For dust.

Waterfall, Stones, Rainbow - To Me A Wow

Free Association Tuesday Or What I'm Doing For My Summer Vacation

‎"There is a tiredness that sleep can't reach" -from Twice Chai by Marcia Glaubman Hain. What do you think of that? I think it applies to an ill kind of tired, fever, etc. It can also apply to a tiredness of life or aspects of it. I am reminded of a story asking his wife if he can go on a ranching trip with friends and she tells him to go and find his smile.

I think I've started to feel better. Still weak, but the cold symptoms seem to be fading. Are you ever unsure if you're getting better or not? I wonder if the antibiotic is making me weak. Do you ever do something to help you and find that it adds its own hurts?

It's hard not knowing how sick I am; should I be resting and staying home or is it time to be out and around? Better safe than sorry or no risk, no gain? I'm getting itchy, which I hope is a sign of health (it's not the red and blotchy type, but the heart yearning variety itch).

Inventing a plane

is an incomplete attempt

until it can fly

Hopefully we can

come together in this world

just like in the next

Like a haiku

a haiku expert

should not be dark

I know I have a bug in me but I'm in denial about it. I want to be feeling better, and to some extent I am.

Does the end of June exist? For some of us it's kind of Twilight Zone time. If you work in a camp, then a teacher may have no break at all. Been there. Sometimes camp starts before school meetings and grade deadlines are over. But if you take the summer as a time for projects and space then the end of June is a weird time. I'm not fond of that old joke about the two best reasons to be a teacher. It is worthy to note though that June is counted not as part of summer, but after its majority, with the school year. I wonder if my bug is mixed with my coming down and segueing from one realm to another. Rav Kook says that the real reason for Tefilat HaDerech - The Traveler's Prayer - is not related to the dangers on the road. Rather, when you switch from one atmosphere to another it is always a turbulent and vulnerable time. And due to this we pray for protection.

What do you think of this quote? Must it be one extreme or the other? "We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies." ~ Roderick Thorp

What are your thoughts on couples? Is it best to be similar in personality? Are married people meant to be friends? If so - what kind of friends? Best friends? Is romance ever real in life? How important is it to feel love? How do you define love? How important is it to express love? Essay question: How much are the words "I love you" worth? Explain.

Is self deprecation always bad? Is "self deprecating humor" an oxymoron? Is it true that if someone else hits you it's easier to rise up than it is to recover from the hard blow of putting oneself down?

An old friend of mine reminded me of a story I used to tell often. I heard it in the name of Rabbi Moshe Chait: A little boy asks the zookeeper, "What's the strongest animal in the zoo?" The zookeeper tells the boy that the strongest animal in the zoo is the lion. "If he's so strong, why doesn't he break out of his cage? Can't he break out of his cage the boy asks. The zookeeper answers, "He can, but he doesn't know that he can."

Good night and may G-d bless.

Haiku A-Z Part I

A haiku is big

and yet deceptively small

like many of us

Because I said so

is never a full answer

Don't trust me on that

Crispy singles

get easily spent

and there is no change

Does death follow life?

Or is it just a figment?

Imagine that.

Even in silence

I always did hear your voice

now that's all that's left

Fifty pure levels

and fifty impure levels

One unsteady now

"Gone Fishing," it reads

and I wonder where he is

fishing far away

REGRETS OF THE DYING

By Bronnie Ware - from InspirationandChai.com

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Regrets of the Dying is soon to be a full-length book, full of personal and inspiring stories about Bronnie's years with dying people. Please join the mailing list, on the contact page, to be advised of its release.
Coming soon in 2011.

Monday - I Put The Lime In The Coconut...

Can we ever count on being cared for by others? To what extent? Does anyone besides me ever look back and miss being a young child, nurtured when sick?

I am boiling chicken soup, antibiotics are being readied at the pharmacy, I'm taking care of myself.

I watch movies at my desk, where I also blog, and write lessons, and mark tests, write recommendations, eat meals. This desk and the computer atop it host me for many hours a day and/or night. My movie watching is all on the computer. The DVD player keeps breaking, or pretending to break - working, but being just out of my access. I pushed a wrong button and now it doesn't play for me. So I do all my movie watching - via Netflix - here on the computer, which makes it all too easy to pause often and turn attention elsewhere. Not so nice to the movie. Films are made to be watched whole. Oh well. Sorry. I particularly like foreign movies, but they take a lot of attention and here at the computer they induce a lot of pausing. Months ago I started watching The Beaches of Agnes and thought I had a bit remaining. I just tuned in to find I've only watches 20 minutes of the 2 hour total. In any case, it's a beautiful film.

"Time has passed and passes, except on the beaches - which are timeless." - Agnes Varda

Do you like the beach? Do you find that it has a timeless quality? Explain. Do you like walking along the shore and having the water hit your feet, maybe - maybe not? I love that.

The smell of fresh soup is filling my apartment. The aroma alone makes me feel healthier as I inhale the turnips, parsnips, and chicken. Oh my.

I just learned that not only does Agnes Varda love the sea, she loves children and men who gaze at the sea and don't always want to go home. She calls men who gaze at the sea Ulysses, after the legend. That revelation is followed in the film by trapeze artists doing their craft along the shore. Gorgeous.

Agnes interviews a woman around her own age, 83, who has trouble remembering day to day things but loves reciting poetry she committed to memory long ago. Upon being prompted with the first line she completes the following:

The roof where dovelike sails go and come

Peacefully trembles near each pine and tomb

High noon appeases with a brilliant flame

The sea, the sea, renewed forever

Medicine picked up.

A friend just called for chizuk via friendship. And that simple act, that simple fact, gave me strength.

Sunday, Sick On Sunday

I owe one last recommendation. It's somewhere between 20 and 60 recommendations for juniors that I'm asked to write annually. The school writes one official recommendation based on 6 letters that students garner from teachers that they ask and who then consent to write about the students' performance in their class. Many students ask me even though I had them in ninth grade, or even though they were extremely quiet in class, or even though I only had them for an elective, or even if I didn't teach them at all but they feel comfortable with me and confident that I can be a good character witness for them. For my recommendation (or the rec as some of the college guidance counsellors call them) to come out well, it's best I meet with the student as we together remember what they did well in my class. It takes time, but it's the most effective approach...

I'm not sure why I'm writing about the recommendations now. I have other things on my mind. I am with cold. I need to take care of myself. And yet my past year of teaching lingers and the next one looms. So much in my life either lingers or looms and then there is always the moment I'm in.

The rabbi where I was on Shabbos opened his speech talking about Derek Jeter going for 3000 hits. He asked if anyone knew how many Torah references there were to 3000 and what they were. His research provided him with two medrashim that each mention the number 3000: When Moshe Rabeinu died 3000 halachot were lost and Shlomo HaMelech spun 3000 mosholim. He went on to discuss one of those mosholim and to apply it to the bar mitzvah boy who had brought me to town. Shlomo compared someone entering a quarrel that wasn't his to someone who tugged at a dog's ears. The idea is that you make trouble where you don't belong you'll get trouble you don't need. He gave an example for this, saying that in a way someone who believes loshon harah is worse than someone who speaks it. The speaker of loshon harah is angry at someone. The receiver of loshon haroh is often entering a place where he has no business at all. The Rabbi told a story of Rav Yisrael Salanter (I think) seeing two boys fighting about who was taller. One pushed the other down and said now I'm taller. Rav Yisrael saw a very negative trait at play here and feared for the future of this boy. We have no reason to push others down just because we want to rise up. This is not the proper way.

I have a little fever but not enough to earn me bragging rights. Been down this road before. My voice sounds like I'm possessed and my throat hurts. Yet pretty soon after it started hurting it starting hurting less, which is good news but also scary because the bug may be on its way to my ear. It's been a good six month run since my last infection (there are indications that's that what it is, and I may need to check in with my doctor tomorrow). I've pushed colds away a few times using every homeopathic trick in my house. And yet.

The Gemorah presents as a high praise that fact that someone is maavir al midotav, which included things like not standing on ceremony and not getting angry. I think more than not noticing or feeling something Chazal were praising the way someone reacts. For some of us it's hard to not notice when someone doesn't get something right, like - for example - how to spell your name, when they have it in front of them. It happens regularly that I right someone and sign =Neil and they write back "Hi Neal or Hi Niel." Sometimes I'll submit some kind of form with my last name spelled the way I spell it (Fleischmann - just like the box of margarine in your supermarket) and receive back a letter starting with Dear Mr. Fleishman "Dear Mr. Fleischman" or the like. This can happen here on the blog too, where the url includes my name spelled right (and the profile has my first name). It also happens when I submit articles for print or online. Do people think they're doing me a favor, correcting the poor guy who can't correctly spell his own name?

At the end of the year last year I posted about the end of the school year going back five years. It's similar but new every year. I think in a way my body was waiting till it was safe to get sick, the end of the year is particularly hard on me. This year was harder than usual as jury duty (2 days I should write a book about, two days of hours on hours in court getting a hairsbreadth away from being chosen for a criminal court jury).

I bought the book Room. I'm having trouble getting into it. Maybe it's because people so different than me say that it's so easy to get into.

I've been thinking a lot lately about personality. We need to get that we have a personality and that so does everyone else. They're all legitimate. This sounds so simple, but if we all got this, we'd be happier and get along better with one another.

Why do I get run down the way I do? Is there a connection to stress? Is there a connection to specific situations and people? If you have to ask...

Some time ago I was by friends and was offered left over cholent on Saturday night. I didn't see any one else eating it and as best I could tell it was there for me, not reserved for others later or being shared with others at the moment. In the middle of my taking out a ladle-ful with a nice piece of meat on it - which I had to maneuver a bit to get, as little was left - my hostess chastised me for breaking her no picking rule ("No picking, Mr. Neil"). This is the type of thing I'm trying to chalk up to differences in personality. When it comes to personalities there are many things one type would say that another type wouldn't say. What's hard about all this personality thing is that I believe that whatever your personality is there are certain things that perhaps should never be said. More importantly, I believe that anything can be said if it is prefaced by thought and presented in a kind and gentle way. Whether or not we speak kindly to each other is not just a question of personality but a question of what being spiritual in general and Jewish in particular means to us.

They say a magician shouldn't reveal his tricks. Recently a name came up in speaking with an old friend. "You made him a shtender," I said. My friend was shocked. "How do you know that?" The way I knew was that my friend had told me. Should I have told him that was how I knew?

I was once a Shabbos guest in a home and was told that they like having me even though it costs them extra money for the food I eat. How does one respond to that. "Thank you?"

The principal of the Bar Mitzvah boy on Shabbos spoke dynamically, as - I'm told - he pretty much always does. He told a story about a successful engineer/scientist who looked up his tenth grade teacher who had been his greatest inspiration. He had never told him or thanked him. In the wake of a high school reunion and a newspaper interview he decided to find the teacher and let him know that his class had inspired him to enter and excel in the the field of science. When he called he was told by the teacher's wife that the teacher had passed away just six months before. The scientist went on to tell her that her husband had inspired him as a high school teacher. The woman began crying. She asked when this fellow had her husband as a teacher. "1962," he replied. She started crying harder. She told him that at the end of 1962 her husband came home and said that he was sure that his teaching was accomplishing nothing and that he was ready to quit. And he retired from teaching in the summer of 1962. Moral - tell teachers if they make a difference for you. They could use to hear it.

It's really way after 11:59 but it feels like Sunday night and not Monday morning. My cold is starting to feel better. Even though my voice still sounds much gritter than usual. I wrote and mailed in my last recommendation. Time to sign off.

GVAMGB

I'm not sure who I write for here, or why I write here, now - or at all. I just got home from Shabbos deep in New Jersey, in a sweet town. I feel a cold coming on and have been trying to ward it off. My dear old friend was kind enough to drive me home (and also to have picked me up yesterday). I owe email responses and have plenty of things to do. And yet I feel the blog bug.

I'm in a questioning mood. I bought recently. It's written in sentences and paragraphs and chapters, but the twist is that every line ends - legitimately (or not, you be the judge) in a question mark. What do you think of that?

How much do most people want to be listened to? Did you ever hear the story about a gossip columnist who wrote about what a great conversationalist Dale Carnegie was (after all he did was let her go on and on)? Do people relish the chance to be listened to because it is so rare? Why is it so rare? Do you think most spouses talk to and listen to each other? How does it change as children come into the picture (and eventually - to some extent leave the picture, or at least the nest)? Do most people listen? Do you long to be listened to? Do you notice when you're talking for a while and someone else is trying to get their turn? Are conversations to be lived and forgotten or relished and remembered?

What's the point of school? Is the goal different in different classes? What's the point of a test?

I wanted this post to be longer, but I feel like it's time for bed.

Good night and G-d Bless.

H.O.T.D.

A moment of peace

A moment of connection

A moment to hold

Dead

By Judson Mitcham

You are dancing in your car, caught

slipping into the deep bass of "Exodus," the spirit -
voice of Bob Marley,
letting your shoulders go with it. You would laugh,

too, if you saw yourself, and if
you were someone else, because
there is a blindness in us all, and here it is:

you are ridiculous to the folks suddenly
beside you in their car
and who can't hear the song. It says open your eyes

it says are you satisfied
with the life you are living? If you can't dance,
alone in your car,

to Bob Marley, you may be dead already.

Thoughts On Korach From My Jewish Week Essay

The Rabbis of the Mishnah say, “An argument which is for the sake of Heaven will have a positive outcome, and an argument which is not for the sake of Heaven will not have a positive outcome.” The paradigm presented of a sincere argument “is the dispute between Hillel and Shamai. And what was not for the sake of Heaven? The dispute of Korach and his men” [Avot 5:20].

The Rabbis fail to mention Moshe, Korach’s antagonist, as they had mentioned Hillel’s opponent, Shamai. Why do they write asymmetrically, as if Korach was disagreeing with his own group?

The most common answer is that a major indication of Korach’s insincerity was the infighting amongst his followers. Korach and his men each had their own motives and fought not only against Moshe but among themselves, as well. Another popular explanation is that since Hillel and Shamai were both genuine, it makes sense to list them each as members of a sincere dispute. However, in the case of Korach against Moshe, it was only Korach who was insincere. Moshe was not engaged in an artificial fight and therefore his name is not mentioned here.

Perhaps the reason why Moshe is not listed as the other side of Korach’s fight is because from Korach’s point of view Moshe’s perspective did not exist. When someone is engaged in a fight that they just want to win rather than wanting the truth, they close out the other side.

This applies in every phase and arena of life. Most people want their political party, sports team, religion, sub-group within religion, and sub-group within sub-group of religion to emerge victorious, period. As a teacher, my experience is that many of my students just want a higher grade, while a select others truly wish to understand why I saw fit to take off points. The truly spiritual and sincere person who wishes to fulfill God’s will, fights honestly for the truth. Within that fight for truth he acknowledges the possibility of his own error and grants truth even when it rests on the other side of the party line.

When I was 17 and studying in Israel, I was primed to meet with the rabbi of the shul in which I grew up. He had been sent by my parents to convince me to go back to America. I was ready to explain why I was planning to stay in Israel, even against my parents’ will. On my way to the rabbi, I told a friend, “I’m off to an argument and I hope I win.” My friend said that he was sure I would not win. I was incredulous. Yet, he made a strong point, saying, “If you have a discussion you can get somewhere, if you have an argument you never win.” This Mishnah explains that an argument can be won if it is a sincere discussion with ears attuned to the other side.

When Moshe responds to Korach, he makes curious use of the same words that Korach said to him [Numbers 16:3-7]: “Rav lachem — it is enough for you.” Moshe tried to show Korach, by repeating Korach’s own phrase, that there was another side to the story. Korach could not, would not, allow himself to hear his own words echoed back to him from a different vantage point. This is often the case if someone is not open; they are unwilling to allow the other side the same right that they have to an opinion.

The sincerity of Hillel and Shamai trickled down to their students. The Mishnah in Yevamot [13a] says that although their two schools disagreed about major elements of Jewish law, the communities of Hillel and of Shamai were friends with each other and did not hesitate to marry one another. The Gemorah says that the reason why we follow the view of Beit Hillel is because they would study the opinions of Beit Shamai even before they delved into their own viewpoints [Eruvin 13a].

In a related note, the Talmud is sometimes puzzled by a statement made by a rabbi that didn’t seem to fit with his just stated standpoint. The Talmud’s resolution of this apparent inconsistency is that sometimes, in his earnest search for truth, a rabbi would enter the thinking of his opponent and speak l’divreihem — from the point of view of the other side.

The lesson of Parshat Korach is that when we conflict with others we must do it solely for the sake of Heaven. This applies to ethical, political, and religious issues of global import. It would serve us well to wisely take note even when we differ with others over seemingly mundane matters. What is the litmus test by which we can gauge if we are voicing our opinion for the sake of Heaven? Whenever we disagree with others we should truthfully answer one simple question, “Do I hear the other side?”

Rabbi Neil Fleischmann is director of Torah guidance at The Frisch School as well as a writer and poet whose work can be found here.

Rabbi Twerski on Middot (Click on Title To Hear Powerful Audio)

It's important to not be satisfied with the status-quo. If you don't move ahead you slip backwards. We need to be careful to counter the foreign forces around us.

Sar Shalom of Belz said that there are three types of galus: from non-Jews, from other Jews, from ourselves. Our soul can be oppressed - by our own selves. The Chinuch says that how we act determines how we feel. The Ramban says to review his letter to his son regularly. He starts saying to work on acting on anger and rage. If you're careful with that then you'll be brought to humility and that's the finest of traits. The reason why he doesn't start with humility is because you can't mandate how to feel, only how to act. And controlled behavior leads to good middot.

Mitzvot are the foundation of the house. Mitvot are the bricks, but they are help up by middot. Ramchal says in Mesilat Yesharim that the basis of Torah is middot.

Rav Chaim Vital (outstanding student and successor of Arizal) says that middot are not ordained in the Torah because they are the needed preface to observance of mitzvot. He says that bad character traits are much worse than actual aveirot and this explains why Chazal say if anyone goes into rage he is actually (mamash) an oveid avodah zarah - which is the worst of all sins. One who has gasat ruach - thinks he's better than others - is a denier of G-d (kofeir be'ikar). One must be more careful with bad character traits than with mitzvot asei and lo ta'asei because if you have good traits you'll keep all the mitzvot. Rav Chaim Vital is saying that if you lose your temper and other such errors you are doing terrible aveirot.

Reb Yerucham (100 years ago) wrote that the world was given to the satan. We see this because after forty days he showed the people that Moshe had died. He was given the power to delude us, still today. We see hallucinations via the satan, as he was given by G-d this power. Today it's a thousand times worse. We have only one defense - to bind ourselves to Torah in its entirety.

As a child in public school he learned a story about a Greek hero that's stayed with him. Ulysses heard that there was a harbor where one could hear the amazing music of the sirens. If you heard it you'd be drawn to the shore. Many ships were pulled there and hit the sharp reefs and were destroyed. He stuffed his sailors' ears with wax. And he tied himself with strong ropes to the mast and told them to keep rowing no matter what. When they passed the harbor and only he heard the music he started screaming to them to go to the shore. He insisted, tried to break free. They went on. When they were in a quiet place he realized the binding ropes saved his life.

Today the powerful music of the sirens is everywhere, attracting many people and leading them to disasters. We need the ropes of Torah and middot to protect us. We must keep on our tables and learn and discuss and live through hard work the middot explained in Mesillat Yesharim, Orchot Tzadikim, Maalot HaMiddot, works of Rav Dessler, works of Rav Wolbe. We need to practice our middot with great care, to fight losing our temper - specifically at times of stress, and truth, and humility. When children see parents lie they are lost. Many "off the derech" people say they see frumkeit as externals without true middot.

If a frum person abuses their spouse they are not frum, just like if they ate a cheeseburger. Rav Chaim Vital says that someone does a wealth of chesed and after 120 does to Heaven, "Let him know for sure that they will check how he behaved toward his wife. If he behaved toward her with kindness he will have a great share in Heaven, but if he is angry and unhelpful then he will be judged based on that and all the kindness he did all the years of his life will not be counted. Other aveirot do not cancel out chesed in this way.

The Ramban says the mitzvah of being holy is above the 613, without that mitzvah de'oraitah one can be abhorrent in behavior. Without A Job Who Am I? That's a book he wrote and the answer is that who you are is how you behave not what you do for a living. How you act will be how you feel. The Gemorah says that the command to love G-d means to act in a way that leads others to love G-d. The world around us has lost middot and replaced it with gratification of animal desires. Raising children in this world is hard and must begin with middot at home. Mussar sefarim need to always be out on the table.

Night Sitting

By Ching An

The hermit doesn't sleep at night

in love with the blue of the vacant moon.

The cool of the breeze

that rustles the trees

rustles him too.

Mid-Day Promotion Day

The meetings are done. The grades - almost. Rabbi Ronn Yaish shared a lovely dvar Torah from Rav Moshe Feinstein. He said that the flowers remaining on Aharon's staff even after the almonds appeared teaches a deep lesson. Often in life we think the end is all that matters. Not so. Process is key. He applied this to school and how hard work of teachers is at the heart of the matter.

I keep thinking about graduation (a friend of mine has been working at a school for four years at a school and their tradition is after four years of teaching there a teacher is placed in the yearbook pictures with the students who are graduating after four years - accordingly next year will be my fourth graduation from The Frisch School). In his graduation speech the principal, Dr. Kalman Stein, cited the following idea from Rabbi J.J. Schachter in the name of his father (Rabbi Herschel Schachter): The medrash teaches that G-d said to the Jewish people, "Either accept the Torah or - sham thei kvratchem." The latter part of this phrase is generally understood as a threat and translated to mean this will be your burial place. The thing is that it doesn't say that, it says there will be your burial place. Where? Israel. G-d was explaining that the consequence of failing to build a Torah foundation for their lives in Israel would mean that the land would eventually turn into a burial ground for their way of life as it had for the civilizations that dwelt there before them. To me a wow. Bottom line, we need the stability that Torah provides.

This One Goes To Sixteen

This is in real time.

In his remarks at graduation my principal opened saying, "I have a wonderful job." I too have a wonderful job. I spent the morning returning tests and telling kids their grades, non-stop. The final meeting starts in a few minutes but I needed a few minutes of recharging here at the blog, with Paul Simon singing to me about the rhythm of the saints.

It's a cliche, but it has been a good year - maybe even a great year as the kids' farewell saying goes. I hope that Tom Wayman is wrong and that the students will carry with them something other than the grade they were just told - I think Tom himself knows it's not so simple. It was a rich year and I'm honored to serve. This year is the completion of 15 years in the Frisch school, a privilege I take seriously and cherish.

I need to go into the meeting any minute. What else can I say? I'll share one Torah thought, also stated by Dr. Kalman Stein at this year's graduation. According to the Ramban the people could not comprehend what they heard from G-d at Sinai (the first two commandments), so Moshe repeated them.The lesson in this is that "the Revelation was about experience not just content." In line with this we're commanded to remember what we SAW and FELT at Har Sinai.

Life is not meant to be lived in our brains alone; life is a trip. I enjoy my work part of the trip. I am thankful to G-d for the experience so far and looking forward to another year.

For The Nachas Box

I'm marking finals. The last question is -

Write one thing from this class that helped you to grow in life -

Here are some answers -

"I liked the different mefarshim we learned, besides the usual ones, that gave me a new look at Sefer Breishit."

"You really opened my eyes to poetry, which I never appreciated before."

"It was good to be able to see what other people in the class thought and their opinions."

"For me Chumash was the best class this year and for one reason: you."

"I specifically would like to focus on the idea of bechira (for example not giving in to eishet Potiphar). It made me grow in that I am more aware of the opportunities and how I can choose to use them and do the correct and best."

"That a man does not have to be so hard in life."

"The idea we learned concerning the Yosef story of yeridah letzorech aliyah. This helps me understand that though bad things happen good things come soon after."

"This year, from you, I learned a respect for all kinds of people and religions. I loved your open - mindedness and generosity to your students. My favorite and most memorable lesson this year was the Torah and science article. I really loved it."

"The idea of Avraham doing lech lecha in the reverse order so he would gradually move on in his life. This idea is something that I need to help me grow in life. This is especially important now when I am leaving tenth grade and moving on in my life to another stage. I have slowly let go of the year, first the things that were distantly affecting me until I finally let go of one of the best and closest influences - this class."

"The haiku of the day helped me grow in life because it taught me how to see life in a beautiful way."

"The gorilla anecdote as it was applied to Noach taught me that there is a proper time and place for everything and something that is appropriate in one time and place may not be right in another context. You are such a kind and caring person. It was a pleasure to be able to learn and grow from you. P.S. stick with the haiku and publish another book, I can only read the first one so many times."

"This class allowed me to become a more free thinker, do independent research, and connect on a personal level with Judaism. I am learning and living each day instead of just heartlessly studying and memorizing biblical texts. I loved all of the creative forms of teaching to which I was exposed this year because these techniques made learning Chumash more fun. Also, this class felt like an escape from high school's drama and stress..."

"This class helped me grow in life because it didn't just teach me Chumash, but also valuable life lessons. I enjoyed every single day of this class. The things I learned in this class will stay with me forever."

"I enjoyed when you showed us what a haiku sounded like in Japanese. I really liked how you incorporated your Torah and everyday life into your classes and your poetry."

"It is in our hands."

"goodbyes are so tough

but I know it's not over

next year will come soon."

Like A Type of Herring - And Yet, I Like It

People That Come Into Your Life.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbour, co-worker, longest friend, lover, or even a complete stranger) but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.Some people move our souls to dance.They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realised your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become.

Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count!! Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself; it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.