"Easily Frightened, Falls Away Silent"

3:15 PM - Day 3 of summer break. I don't know that I'm going to count each day, don't know how many days there are. It's like life. "Limnot yameinu kein nodah, venavi levav chachmah." I got the amud this morning, then watched more of Roshomon. It's amazing, very powerful work about memory and truth and lies and perception and and and. I had lunch with a friend and then subwayed it to "the city." I'm writing via Barnes and Noble free WiFi, soon I have errands to do (stopped here to use the facilities) (they have racquetball).

I happened to sit down in the Judaica aisle, if you believe in happenings. (Rav Noach Weiberg wisely said, "Happiness is not a happening.") Did you know that Rabbi Riskin has books on Chumash called Torah Lights? That's one of the books I picked off the shelf, one of the few that didn't "happen" to be by Jewish Lights. The Book of Letters caught my eye; in this masterwork Lawrence Kushner brings each Hebrew letter to life. I was particularly interested in my letter:

Nun

By Lawrence Kushner

Nun is a neshamah - songbird,

she is easily frightened

and falls away silent;

just like a nefesh - person.

In each person and in each soulbird

there is something - nekeivah - feminine;

ecstatic with a melody - niggun,

melody on top of melody on top of melody,

going higher and lower at the same time,

dizzy and frightened, yet unable to return,

hurling herself through laughter and tears,

cascading waterfalls of wonders - nifla'ot.

You do not open your eyes to see nun,

you close them.

Nun is what is holy in a person,

faithful - ne'emana

even to the end,

like the tiny eternal light - ner tamid,

burning in a temple

through the nights of its disbelief -

so there shines a spark - nitzotz

in each one of us;

some burn brighter, some flicker.

A light can never be distinguished,

only sealed off by wicked deeds.

And then, when you die,

the nun, the soulbird returns to G-d

Who warms her and blesses her

and sends her out again.

My Neighbor (link)

Eilu Ve'Eilu

I like this picture because it so well depicts the poem that it goes along with, both available on this site. I got to the poem via this piece in Wilipedia about different versions of The Elephant Story. I got to the elephant piece because it was linked to in the entry on the Rashomon effect, which is based on the film Roshomon (which I'm in the middle of, finally, watching).

Flower - Gathering

By Robert Frost
I left you in the morning,
And in the morning glow,
You walked a way beside me
To make me sad to go.
Do you know me in the gloaming,
Gaunt and dusty gray with roaming?
Are you dumb because you know me not,
Or dumb because you know?

All for me And not a question
For the faded flowers gay
That could take me from beside you
For the ages of a day?
They are yours, and be the measure
Of their worth for you to treasure,
The measure of the little while
That I've been long away.

--------------------------------------------

I don't remember the exact day but it was a big day when I signed up to have  a poem sent to me (by About.com) every morning.  Some days I don't like them, some days I don't get them, some days I don't open them, and some days I not only open them but am touched by them.  Robert Frost has been a big hit with me here.  The poem picker chooses Frost poems that are accessible.  Despite his home spun, folksy rep, I often find his poems to be lengthy, wordy, difficult; obscure/cryptic.  This is one that I found beautiful.

Shivah Assar BeTamuz - "Moments of Rupture"

7:43 PM - In The YU BM. Mincha is in seven minutes. Two guys are shmoozing next to me about whether or not a guy they know is or ever was frum. Their next topic: When's Maariv? Their answer? 9:11.

I did not intend on transcribing a conversation, but I didn't count on it being held on top of me. As if by osmosis they just walked away. What I wanted to write and think about was what breaking down of walls and the other four things that happened today mean to me.

The five things that happened on this date: Moshe broke the Luchot, the Korban Tamid was stopped, Yerushalayim's walls were broken down, a Sefer Torah was burnt, an idol was placed in the Beit HaMikdash.

8:31 PM - Mincha just ended, Maariv was announced for 9:04.

I need to give credit where it's due, I might have (might?) written today anyway, but I was particularly inspired in focus by Alieza Salzberg who gave a creative writing workshop today at the Drisha Institute called "Picking Up the Fragments: Learning and Writing About the Memory of Destruction." I almost went but took a nap instead. And yet the class description got me thinking: "The fast of 17th of Tammuz commemorates moments of shattering in Jewish History. Most famously we remember the crumbling walls of Jerusalem, but also the breaking of the luchot Habrit (tablets of law) when Moses saw the Jews worshiping the golden calf. We will explore the historical importance of the fast day and the question of our memory of these moments of rupture. How can we reassemble the fragments of the city walls; can we glue the words of the luchot back together? We will discover the importance of our own writing and imagination in healing these wounds and piecing together the fragments"

Earlier this evening a friend of mine tried to connect the five things that, tradition has it, happened on this day. He suggested that they were all consistent realities in the lives of the Jews that were ripped away from them. I think, generally that's what a tragedy is, when a reality is altered in a bad way.

I once stayed in someone's dorm room in BMT and there were lyrics of a Carly Simon CD lying around. The words struck me, and a friend of mine, who is a UJA fundraiser later told me that these lyrics have been used by UJA. The song asked, "Do the walls come down when you think of me? Do you let me in?"

The one holiday on which I generally think/talk about walls is Sukkos. One of the reasons why a sukkah can't be too high is because the shade must come from the top and not the sides. Walls represent us protecting ourselves, as opposed to the essence of the sukkah, which is the schach that represents our Protection from Above.

First there was a siege, then the walls were broken, destruction of the Temple itself was imminent...

8:55 PM - Looks like there's about to be a minyan in the room I'm writing in...

9:09 PM -Maariv is done. According to myzmanim.com the fast, in my zip code, ends at either 9:08, 9:13, or 9:22. I'm going to go eat soon. And yet I want to keep writing. There's something I appreciate about being in this altered state, and I think this is the point of fasting. The Kitzur Shulchan Aruch writes that if you fast but spend the day in a normal way then you are embracing the tafel - secondary and rejecting the ikkar - primary part of the day. Whenever I tell that to anyone whatever their stripe or age they ask (in one form or another, "Oh, so that means I don't have to be fasting?" I think fasting changes us and that's the point. There is great added potential to tap into when we enter an altered state, such as fasting.

Our walls broke down today, and when they did did we think of G-d? Did we let Him in? Maybe part of the problem was that those walls were excluding rather than including G-d. Ironically the walls that were supposed to bring G-d close to us, within those walls, needed to be broken down to allow for the potential of letting him in. I pray that G-d be close to me and yet sometimes my actions contradict my words. The walls I build speak loudly. What walls do we each build around ourselves? What are we keeping out? What are we letting in? Who are we thinking of?

Do we thirst for G-d? Do we hunger for His Law and Lore and Word? Do we love G-d? More than food?

9:19 PM - I'm going to go eat and drink. Good luck in your journey bein hametzarim.

Galus

We don't even know

what we don't have,

We can't really know

what we want

Week One, Day One

I finished watching Word Wars and enjoyed it. It's fascinating that something that seems to me so right brain can be left brain for others. Most people that compete in scrabble tournaments are math types - math teachers and enthusiasts - rather than English types. This revelation, which comes in the middle of the movie reminded me of the time I played Bananagrams on a date and my date went much faster than me and I said that I was more of a fan of the process of the game than than zooming through it. Later she asked me in confusion as to how a person could think thus, "The process?" It also reminded me of how my mother and I were on the same page about this when it came to scrabble. Scrabble with mom was time to hang, to learn words, to enjoy.

For the ten years that I worked with large groups of wonderful traditional Jewish seniors at the Isabella Freedman Retreat Center (formerly known as Camp Isabella Freedman) ,a friend of mine consistently referred to it at Camp Isadora Duncan. I just learned (while watching the movie "Reds") that Isadora Duncan was an iconic historical figure and is considered by many to be the mother of modern dance. She died in a freak accident when one of her signature long scarves got caught in a car wheel.

Isadora Duncan (excerpt)

by Carl Sandburg

The wind?

I am the wind.

The sea and the moon?

I am the sea and the moon.

Tears, pain, love, bird-flights?

I am all of them.

I dance what I am.

Sin, prayer, flight, the light

that never was on land or sea?

I dance what I am.

Today is the first day of my first full week off from teaching. I have hopes and dreams and some time and space to go with it. And yet.

Within this blog are several books. I want to get those books into people's hands, including my own. May G-d bless me, and may I bless myself to make it happen.

I was thinking of doing a magnum opus piece on my wearing a tallis. I decided that I'm just posting once more today and the spirit is moving me, so I'm going to say what I have to say in here.

Toby Knobel Fluek

I am of German Jewish decent, what some refer to as a Yeckie. The German minhag is to wear a tallis after bar mitzvah. I didn't. And time went on as it always does. The prevalent minhag is to not wear a tallis till one marries. I kept thinking that before - I please G-d - married I would start wearing a tallis. This decision was based on the fact that it was my real minhag, and that the minhag not to wear it seems flawed.

Anyone out there know why a single man doesn't wear a tallis? Neither do I. My research has revealed that the minhag of not wearing a tallis till married is tenuous at best. People try to be melamed zechut on the minhag, but it is really without basis.

Sociology often perseveres over all. And so the scarlet letter of not wearing a tallis till married has seeped into our communal consciousness. And yet.

As different landmarks have come and gone over the year (the start of the school year, the end of the school year, holidays) I've considered starting to wear a tallis. When my mother passed away and I realized I'd be davening from the amud a lot I decided it was time. And I started wearing a tallis. End of story for now. And yet, t

he scarlet letter issue lives on, in the form of the question of atifa. (To be continued. Maybe.)

Perhaps I don't know what she means

Or maybe I do know but don't want to say

Ever cautious, since I was cautious as a child

There are times to say what needs to be said

Rarely do we know for sure what time it is

You ultimately find freedom in structure

What I'm Doing This Summer

They say that it's best for the author to not explain poems, and in this case I agree with them. I will just say that these were written before, during, and after a dear friend's wedding ceremony I attended yesterday.

We all seek control

From whatever side we're on

G-d please redeem us

People change over

after you get to know them

or is it just you?

It seems a struggle

Real vs. professional

They must be made one

Sociopathic:

Some rabbis perceived this way

Rabbis, please stop it

Is it natural

For two people to unite?

Myriads say yes

Bride and groom are bound

by the one and only G-d's

holy tradition

Try not to say "I"

More-so not to think of "I"

When you serve others

I cry at weddings

and sometimes when the rain falls:

firework moments.

There will always be

People that we just can't have

We always have us

Does husband or wife

become your number one friend?

Yes, no, I don't know.

"It's nice to be nice."

Sometimes cliche's can be true

"Could happen to you."

---------------------------------

We each seek relief

It's relief we seek

As a daily tweak

Or at end of week

At our peak

Or When weak

It's relief we seek

We each seek relief

----------------------------------

How long happiness

How long life

How long happy times

for husbands and wives?

How long tragedy

How long disdain

How long time of grief

How long psychic pain?

Remember When You'd Say Things Like, "I'm Nine and Two Months?"

i

Some time ago I wrote a true story called The Day I Chopped Off My Grandmother's Head. I've since realized that I had the proof that the story is true. Also, when I wrote up the story I wasn't sure when it had happened. My Grandmother wrote the date on the back: December 1971. That means that I was nine years old. I also wasn't sure what the gathering was but it's clear to me now that it was a Chanukah dinner. I had written that I thought that it may have been a dinner where my uncle brought my soon to be aunt to meet the family. Nope. They were married for a year and a half at the time. I can prove that too.

Shabbos was full and nice. Last night, despite myself, I got to sleep late. I woke up at seven, pre alarm. Went to minyan at 7:45, led from Yishtabach till the end, which was at about 8:40. I dropped off my tallis and tefillin at home, ate a quick bagel and lox and then headed down to the Lower East Side. I had a ride there to a chuppah at the Park Savoy in Florham Park, N.J. The ride said to be there by 9:35, because they were leaving AT 9:45. I got there at 9:25. We left at 10:20. We got to the wedding in time for bedekking at about 11, chuppah started at 11:35. At about 1:00 I got a cab to the Morristown train station. At about 2:45 I was in the city. I met a colleague on the U.W.S. and she rode me to Teaneck to visit another colleague sitting shivah. I just got home a little while ago, which brings us back to doe, doe, doe.

I just started watching Word Wars, a film about professional scrabble players. Between each scene they had word schtick on the screen, it's cool. The opening premise is that there's a scrabble out there that's not your grandmother's scrabble. This one includes lists of every word that starts with Q and has no u, it involves chess clocks and penalties for overtime, and it includess a tournament that pays the winner $25,000 (and the competitors count on that money to live).

Plenty more to say, but I'm going to sign off now, hopefully to post more later.

Six Months

"Lehadlik neirot bechol ha'olamot -

zohi Shabbat." - Zelda

To light candles

in all the worlds;

this is the essence

of Shabbat.

- Zelda

It was my good fortune to discover that quote of Zelda over Shabbos. It's the opening line of a poem called Shabbat VeChol.

___________________

On Saturday, December 26, 2009, my dear mother passed away. She was 73 years old, "too soon gone." That was exactly 6 months ago today and I couldn't let the death pass without mention.

Someone I know re-entered therapy after her mother passed away. The issue was mourning and the therapist tried to provide advice/answers. Some time later the therapist lost her mother and she told my friend that she owed her an apology.

Over Christmas weekend, 2009 I learned that the loss of a parent is one of those things that you don't get till it gets you.

_____________________

Over Shabbos Azriel Chelst gave me a copy of a short book written by his father, Rabbi Dr. Kenneth Chelst called Kaddish, The Unanswered Cry. It was helpful to read through it, most of all because he acknowledges reality, rather than being pie in the sky. He writes how many shuls neglect Kaddish due to talking:

"How little is demanded of us to respond...yet how difficult it seems to be to interrupt our worldly conversations to bring G-d into our world. And the unanswered Kaddish remains an impassioned plea in a vacuum, making no sound; a Jewish body of words without its soul."

Speaking even more directly to me, he writes: "Experience the emptiness of the mourner in a large synagogue in which decorum is the norm but in which few of the congregants appreciate the message of the Kaddish cry. The Kaddish cry draws little response because it is viewed as the mourner's personal prayer and not a plea for action. Those who do respond do so out of habit or courtesy and reflect the emotion filled words of the mourner's Kaddish with an empty, perfunctory response that leaves the Kaddish lifeless."

He concludes, "Recall a Shabbos morning after two or more hours of religious services. The lonely Jewish mourner rises again to recite the Kaddish. It is a lonely experience for him...Instead of a chorus of voices engulfing the orphan saying, "Let G-d's great name be blessed," there is a spiritual silence that is deafening. The Kaddish has now become a true Orphan Kaddish with no one to hear and respond to its cry. And in this seeming spiritual vacuum, the orphan hears all too clearly the echo of his own lonely muffled voice reflecting off the walls of the synagogue saying, "Let G-d's great name be blessed forever and ever."

Amen.

I miss you mom.

Gutten Erev Shabbos - Balak 5770

Fleischmann's Rule Of Emotions: Ignore modifiers, as in a little disappointed in you, a little concerned, a little angry, a little in love. I just shared this rule with a friend of mine and he disagreed. Then I brought him around. I changed his mind by asking if his wife said she was a little upset if he'd be able to respond, "So glad it's just a little," and then sit down and have it all fixed in a minute. No.

It's erev Shabbos. That's supposed to mean something. And it does. And yet, it could be more meaningful. My hosts are davening at 6:40, so I've got to go, I've got to go. I hope that Shabbos for you and me and all of us is not a little sad, not a little unappreciated, not a little less than she should be.

When I was younger

I felt Shabbos more strongly

I miss that embrace

As the sun sets I will pray

I will pray to feel Shabbos

The Frum Community Has Begged For It, And Here It Is - More Poetry

j

Free Style

Is it true that

it takes more time

to write

a short poem

than

a long one?

I write this

while taking in

a garden

wondering:

Is G-d's world

a long poem

or a short

poem?

Haiku

To write short or long?

Is it true short takes more time?

G-d's world: short or long?

We all need mazal

Even a Sefer Torah

G-d: Protect our flaws

What you see, you get?

Is gentleness a facade?

How about gruffness?

Sometimes we speak up

and come off as the problem;

now that's a problem.

G-d knows what it means

for a person to be good;

we figure it out.

On Metschlichkeit And And And

Man is nothing if he is not a mentsch. I believe that I composed the wording of this saying, though certainly not the sentiment. In our morning prayers we say,' A person should always fear God, in private and in public – Le’Olam yehei adam yerei shamayim beseter ubagalui.' The opening words of this prayer, ' leolam yehei adam,' can be taken as their own clause and translated as, "Always be a person." Rabbi Yehudah Amital, in Commitment and Complexity, writes that there was a Jewish saying in eastern Europe that a person should always be a 'mentsch,' a human being, and fear of G-d comes next. The saying was based on a poetic re-reading of this beautiful prayer.

My friend Rabbi Josh Hoffman cited this in his weekly Torah essay. I hope to write more about it. His basic idea is to develop the lesson of Bilam's donkey as a tale of the importance of being a mentsch. The importance of this story is highlighted by the tradition that this donkey was miraculously created, and Jewish Philosophy 101 tells us that G-d only makes major miracles if there's a major lesson to be learned. What separates us from animals is the ability to speak and all the related gifts that come along with that. If we misuse our humanity we become no better than animals...

One of the great ones, in terms of teachers, taught me that there is what to be said for writing in naturally altered stated (such as when you're hungry or tired or - as was the case for her - have an ear infection. So, I'm writing now even though I haven't yet eaten today.

I get quite affected by being hungry. Then again, I get very affected by most everything. If I had a penny for every time someone said to me, "Don't be so sensitive..." I could list all those times for you... What's the appropriate thing to say to someone who often tells you to not take their words in sensitively and then they tell you they didn't like something you just said? I'm guessing it's not, "Don't be so sensitive." Tempting.

I've given myself a time deadline and then I'm going to treat myself like a bit of a mentsch and eat something. There's a striking story about Hillel being stopped by students and asked where he was going. Later they discovered he was on his way to take a bath and he explained that yes, caring for yourself is a mitzvah.

Is this a mitzvah?

Looking inside and sharing?

Is it hard to say?

Last Day Of Classes 2010

10X - 2010

11W - 2010

Hot Off The Press, From This Past Shabbos/Sunday

Me and Dad

Latest World (Poetry) Cup News: Haku:4, Tanka:1

-

Is It True About The Eskimos?

~

Snowflakes look the same

They say each one is different

I sit and wonder

I feel the pain of difference

And of being just the same

`

What Are You Doing This Summer?

~

Here lies the answer

to frequently asked question

cited in title

`

Tika Be'Shofar

~

G-d, blow a shofar

and get us out of this place

out of our exile

`

Ki Le'Yeshuatcha Kivinu Kol HaYom

~

Perhaps unawares

we await your redemption

all the live long day

`

My Response To Your Puppy Eyes Asking To Be Shliach Tzibbur

~

That I be a mentsch

that's just what my mom wanted

above the amud

This Day

One year ago today I was finishing the school year. What's that saying about the more things change? I also wrote about the 2 wolves, one of my favorite stories - which is also a song. Time flies. Two years ago on this date, June 23, I wrote a piece remembering the then recently deceased George Carlin. These posts each evoked a nice comment chain.

Three years ago today I shared an excerpt from a book I was reading, and introduced it by saying that, Asking what a book is about for some people is the equivalent of "what are you doing for the summer?" for others. Fours years ago on this date it was erev Shabbos and I pondered, and posted poetry and got a nice comment. Five years ago today I posted a link to the, now dated, Top Ten Signs You Went To Frisch.

Have You Got A Friend?

They help us hold up

Like complicated pillars

Friends are not simple

Mikol Melamdai Hiskalti

10:48 AM - I am at work. I walked in a few minutes ago along with one of the key administrators. It's a funny time, a school building empty of kids. Some like the concept, some don't much notice the kids anyway. I find it bittersweet. But then again I find air bittersweet. School without kids is a paradoxical cocktail. Here's another ironic mixture endemic to this time: pressure and boredom. The rumors of school being over are greatly exaggerated. I have about a hundred finals testifying as we speak that the semester has not ended. On the one hand there are deadlines and the work. The other hand has pulled the cloth out from under the set table. Maintaining structure in a free-falling environment is quite challenging. I will not write here again - beli neder - until I have entered one class' grades into the system.

;g

11:34 AM - My public speaking class is accounted for in the system! Baruch Hashem big time. Beli ayin hara, I had a nice breakfast out with a dear friend (you may want to look at the color of the moon tonight), the air conditioner is on where I'm working, I have moved forward in my paperwork, and I am about to go to enter beautiful facilities, which meet the highest standard of indoor plumbing. The plan is to not write here again till another class is done. This could be a while as it's a full year course and there are quizzes and tests and finals. (Did you think, "Oh my?")

uhgg

3:17 PM - I just finished putting in annual grades, final grade, fourth term grades and comments for the twenty six students in my 11W2 Gemorah shiur/class. Are there any teachers out there? You teachers may understand. Did you ever notice that most people aren't teachers? Did you ever notice that most people don't want their offspring to become teachers? Did you ever notice that progressing in life in most ways depends on teachers. In other words to societally surpass and then condescend to teachers you first need to get them to give you good grades.

lb

Three more classes to go. Did you ever notice that most people have no idea what the work of a teacher entails? Did you ever notice that the one thing most people know about teachers is that schools seem to shut down over the summer? Did you ever try teaching for a day or two or even consider it? Can you name your kids' teachers? can you name who made the news for making an obscene gesture in Shea Stadium recently?

lbbb

I've tried to gather a minyan for 3:30. Let's see...

mbb

3:46 PM - No minyan. One female staff member answered the call. The goal now is to get back to work. I'm meeting a friend for dinner at 6. I need to get some progress on one more class. Slowly, slowly says the sloth.

,nn

4:28 PM The fourth quarter grades are in for my 11T2 Chumash class. And I watched Lisa Kudrow's commencement address at this year's Vassar graduation. I was touched. She looked non glamorous, not fancy, and I mean that as high praise. She spoke in an unpolished straightforward way and I mean that as a big compliment. She accessed memories that were embedded in her heart twenty five years ago. To me, if you're really there, you remember. Lisa was obviously fully present twenty five years ago when Mario Cuomo spoke at her graduation.

;n

Lisa Kudrow remembers that twenty five years ago Governor Cuomo asked all the students to look around and take in their classmates. During her own speech she asked everyone to do the same. They do. Then she tells them that when she did it she didn't feel much. From there she goes on to give a great and real speech. She speaks early on about one guy who she thought she might miss. She ends off saying that that fellow is now on the Vassar board with her. She does a great job, and speaking of jobs she addresses acting as a job more than a cultural status. Good for her. She had set out to work in the sciences but found herself correcting actors on TV, saying from her gut that she knew how to do the line or the walk better. It came as if from no place, she had no acting experience - until she did. She was fired from Frazier and when she got the part on Mad About You it was with an hour's notice and against the advisement of her agent. Long story short, things worked out well for her. She is proud of listening to her gut, and -I may be putting words ion her mouth, but I think - grateful to G-d.

on

8:55 PM - Finished getting my Gemorah grades for semester, final, year, and comments into the school computer. Now I'm in the Y.U. annex, between a Mincha and a Maariv. I had the amud for Mincha and we'll see about Maariv, set for twenty minutes from now.

bb

I shmoozed a bit today with an administrator/teacher who is leaving. In her farewell speech last week she told teachers, "Be yourself; students will remember you for who you are more than for what you taught." She told me today that her favorite teacher from her childhood is the one she recalls crying over the pain that Avraham felt regarding the possible iniquity inherent in the destruction of Sdom and Amorah.

l

Soon, Maariv. I have work to do, will not write again - bli neder - till my 2 remaining classes are all reckoned, after this post I mean...

lb

We can learn from snakes

The first lesson: to have skin

and next, to shed it