Sh"Sh - Vaetchanan 5769

Post Tisha B'Av 5769

It's amazing how a world can be there and then gone. Tisha B'Av World seems to have disappeared. So has most of my beard. And yet, I sigh a sigh for Zion.

A dear friend of mine once said that galus is wanting to do the right thing but not knowing what it is. There are many kinds of exile - from Israel of course, from G-d, from others, from ourselves. Every type of exile is a tragedy worthy of mourning and hoping and praying for redemption.

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Vaetchanan 5769

The Ohr Hachaim in the beginning of Parshat Vetchanan writes that there are 4 conditions required for tefillah to be answered.

1 - Tefillah must be a request for mercy (tachanunim) like a poor beggar knocking on a door. This is based on Mishlei 18:23, “Tachnaum yedaber rash”- a poor person asks for entreaties.

2 - A person must ask from the true source of mercy, only from God. A person should not put his trust in any other person, only in God, the creator, who alone watches over people.

3 - Timing: As Dovid Hamelech wrote (Tehllim 69:14) “Vani tefilati lecha Hashem et ratzon”.

4 - Be precise in your prayer. This relates to a story from Esther Rabbah about a worn out traveling man who prayed for a donkey for carrying-to carry him because he was tired of walking, but received a weak donkey that he needed to carry, instead it carrying him.

These 4 stipulations are implied by the opening words of Parshat Vaetchanan.

1 - “Vaetchanan”-teaches us that our prayers must be tachanunim, an act of begging for mercy
2 - “El Hashem”-This teaches we should turn with our requests only to God.
3 - “Baet Hahi” this teaches that the timing of our prayers matter greatly because who would know a better time then Moshe
4 - “Leimor” this teaches that you have to be careful to say precisely what you want.

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Moshe seems to mirror what Hashem said to him. He was told to not ask anymore, to not alter the plan. He tells the people not to add or subtract from the Torah presented to them. God tells him to look and see the land, he tells the people to look and see the Torah.

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4:9 The Kotzker Rebbe says that if you read the pasuk carefully, it means be careful lest you talk about studying Torah, but not actually study it. Then you will forget it and it will fall away from your heart. And then you will create another generation of children like you, who will talk about studying Torah but not actually study it and continue to forget it. And that will be your sad legacy - talking about learning, but not actually learning.

Nachamu

Eichah Yashvah Badad?

A year ago I was blown away by The World to Come. I tried to read Dara Horn's first book but got thrown off course by the beginning. I think I was so taken by her other book than I needed 12 months to allow for that one to be digested. I didn't really give the book any thought, forgot about any hopes of reading it.

On Tuesday night I went out of my way and rushed to Barnes and Noble to purchase a book before closing time. I read a review of six months ago and was intrigued I decided to go for it. I showed the customer service person the review (to make sure there' be no misunderstanding) and was told that the book does not come out till September. Still out of breath from rushing over I asked before I realized I was speaking, "Why would they review it if it's not out for months?" I was complaining, not really asking. Without missing a beat, without involving any pauses, the girl said "To garner interest, to create excitement The Times does it too would you like to reserve it?" "No need," I said, using the expression for what I'm pretty sure is the first time in my life. The book is called Sing Them Home, and as you can see for yourself, it came out in January.

Once in the store I wanted a book. I saw that Horn has a hardcover book on the New Fiction table. I thought about getting it, but haven't heard word, and I then got the idea in my head to go and see if they had her first book in paperback. (Speaking of paperbacks the girl at the counter probably mistook the paperback release for the original release. Mistakes are fine, for real. Mistakes an be great. But arrogance and attitude annoys me. Why not move slower so you can get there quicker?) They had it. I bought it.

I started plodding through In The Image (not a reflection on the book, I plod so I can get there fast). I confess that over Tisha B'Av I read a little bit of the book before sleep. Last night I was shocked to read on page 21: "He blinked a picture of an archaeological site below where the ancient Temple once stood in Jerusalem, but in the slide you couldn't see the mosque on the mountain or even the tourists visiting the site, just the rubble of fallen stones as Bill Landsmann read another line: 'How the city sits alone, desolate, she that was once free of people, how like a widow!"

Tonight, when I was trying to fall asleep I forged on and walked across my apartment to type out the closing words of the first chapter. I don't think that this theme comes up elsewhere in the book. What are the odds that I would have ended up getting this book and reading these pages on and around Tisha B'Av?

"And sometimes, but only sometimes, when the curtains are actually open, Leora sees a woman sitting by herself in a house that was once full of people. How she sits alone, desolate, like a widow, waiting for someone to come home."

On Tisha B'Av

Last night at Y.U. I was sitting on the floor looking over kinot (the one I introduced today). Someone approached me and asked why if Tisha B'Av is about the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash does Eichah seem to exclusively address the demise of the nation and the land.
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My thought is that Chazal teach that G-d in this kindness took his anger out on stones and wood instead of on flesh and bones. When we speak of the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash it represents the destruction not only of that building but of a people and her land. Perhaps, due to tact we call it the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash, as a headline representing much more.

This reminds me of the mitzvah to remember what Amalek did to us. The truth behind that command is that we need to recall what we did that brought about the attack of Amalek. Because we were weak in our belief and observance we became vulnerable and were hit hard. (This fits with why the Torah rule to have even weights and measures precedes the law to remember Amalek. When we are off balance it leads to vulnerability and decline ~ Rav Efrayim Polyakoff). Due to discretion we are commanded to remember what Amalek did, but truly we are asked to remember what we did to bring about that attack.

A king had a flower garden which he cherished and therefore kept under heavy surveillance. His yard was guarded by watchdogs. One day someone broke into the garden and was attacked by the dogs. The perpetrator turned out to be a close aide of the king who gave into temptation. After that event, from time to time the king said to his advisor, "Do you remember when those dogs attacked you? Yeah, that was crazy, wasn't it?" And what he means to say to his dear friend is, "Remember what you did?"

Similarly, we remember what happened to The Temple. Really what's meant by that is to remember how we devolved, what we caused to happen to us, to our land.

In the kinah, which begins with the words, "A'adeh ad shamayim" - "Would that I could soar to the sphere of heaven," Rabbi Elazar HaKalir says all the things he wishes he could say if he could fly up in the sky. In an ironic twist he says it all anyway. He uses Biblical wording, Talmudic text, obscure language, and sophisticated poetic form to awaken passion and compassion in his own heart and in the heart of his reader. He says that if he could enter the realm above , "I would make the heaven share my dirge, I would curse the day that twice destroyed me, I would lament that my head was not filled with water for tears." He says all this in stanzas comprised of 4 lines. The second letter of the opening words goes in the order of the Aleph-Bet. And the second letter of the first word of the fourth lines goes in the order of the Aleph Bet from the end (At-Bash), until they meet in the middle at Lamed. At the end of this kinah G-d speaks and says, "From the time that Israel seized to walk in my ways, they abandoned me and I abandoned them and turned my face from them."

G-d please please bless me

Like Your wind on the water

May You rest on me

Tisha B'Av Approaches

An elderly Jewish mother is approached by a beggar. "I haven't eaten for three days," he informs her. "Force yourself," she replies.

Sometimes I force myself not to write here and sometimes I force myself to write. What does it depend on? What is the better way to go? Do I know? Sometimes I wonder who reads this and sometimes I wonder who doesn't. Is this something I should be thinking about?

Tisha B'Av is approaching. It's a Jewish People day; it's not a me day, or a you day, but an us day. Sigh.

A few hours and there will be no food.

But what may it mean to go deeper than food?

Can it just be about not eating?

Doesn't eating or refraining reflect something internal?

Everything external is a mirror

For something that is or should be going on inside.

Going deep is hard but for this we live.

How can we stay on the outside?

I - Must it always comes back to me?

Jewish People - bigger than each of us

Kites tug at hands as you (You) tug at my heart.

Love - why G-d destroyed a Home and not a People

Many thoughts swirl in my head as mourning looms

Nothing lasts forever save for G-d

Ony G-d is One

Please help me G-d

Quickly as an eye blink bring redemption

Return me to You and I will return

Save me for the sake of your name

Turn my eyes toward your return to Zion

Underneath, hurt people hurt people

Virtue - deep within is what's needed

Why so long? When already, when?

Xs are marked on the heads of us all

Your servants have drunk dirty water

Zero tolerence should be for lack of mercy.

Black Fire On White Fire

Potpourri

I was afraid of this. Research shows that you're probably not going to read much further.
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Chazal say that Eisav lived with two righteous people (Rivkah and Yitzchak) that he could have learned from and he failed in that task. The Ben Ish Chai points out that although Eisav also lived with Yaakov it would not have been possible to learn from him the way he could have learned from his parents. This is because you can only learn from someone you love, and Eisav did not love Yaakov. Wow. Based on this Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky says that one should only correct others out of love - otherwise it is a futile task. (Heard on a tape of Rabbi Yisroel Reisman)
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Eizeh hu mechubad? HaMechabed et habriot. Who is honored? He who honors others. This is generally understood to mean that you get back what you give; treating others with respect breeds them treating you respectfully in return. A different take on this just dawned on me. It appears to me that you innately become a person of dignity through treating others in a respectful manner. It is not just quid pro quo, that you will be externally treated respectfully by people you approach with respect. It's deeper, you become dignified inside. For example when someone comes to my apartment I like to clean beforehand. I wish that I kept things totally neat and clean for my own self dignity, but mitoch shelo lishmah bah lishmah. If one recognizes the dignity of others, one will become respectable from within toward oneself as well. Eizeh hu mechubad? HaMechabed et habriot. Who is honored? He who honors others.
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Tisha B'Av is coming, and with it Tisha B'Av questions and thoughts.

Is it a day of teshuva or exclusively a day of mourning?

Napoleon said that people who mourn a Temple destroyed so long ago are bound to see it rebuilt.

If you are not with the Jewish People for the mourning, you will not be there for the redemption. It's like that episode of the Little Rascals where they cut school and miss ice cream.

"Nachamu, nachamu." Why twice? Maybe because we are being told to take consolation from the reality our not being numb, but instead feeling the pain and needing the consolation. Or maybe because we're so hurt that when we're consoled we run away and need to be consoled again.

Why is so much of what we recite on Tisha B'Av in alphabetical formats? On the one hand maybe it's that we feel so much pain we need to contain it or it would overflow forever. On the other hand, although we feel so much pain without a format we would be at a loss for how to express it. mm b

Answers Waiting For Questions - Part III

The first thing my friend, Rabbi Shamai Wahrman said when I asked him about the source of the story that I heard from Rabbi Wein, was that it sounded like a mixture of different Gemorahs. His initial thought was that it was from the piece that people call, The Kamtza Bar Kamtza Gemorah, which is studied on Tisha B'Av - but he and I perused through that section and it did not use that pasuk anywhere.

This morning I bumped into Rabbi Baruch Simon, who's working on his next sefer, here in the YU Library. He pointed out to me where the story is. It is in that section of Gittin (58a) and my friend was right - it's not the way Rabbi Wein said it (not the way my notes and memory say he said it):

The Rabbis taught in a braitah: There is a story about Rabi Yehoshuah ben Chananiah, in which he went to a big city in Rome. They told him, "There is one young boy in prison with beautiful eyes, pleasant appearance, and his hair arranged in curls." Rabi Yehoshua went and stood by the entrance of the prison. He said, "Who has given Jacob over for spoil and Israel to be plundered?" That young boy answered, saying, "Is it not Hashem! We sinned against him and did not want to go in his ways and did not listen to his Torah." (Both the question and answer are from Yishayahu 42:24.) Rabi Yehoshua ben Chanania said, "I am certain that this boy will become a legal decisor in Israel; I swear by Temple and its service that I will not budge from here until I redeem him for whatever they ask for him." The story goes that he did not move from that spot until he had redeemed the boy for a great deal of money. And it was only a short period of time until he became a legal decisor in Israel. And who was he? Rabi Yishmael ben Elisha.

Shamai Called

I said that I was going to focus during these nine days only on The Nine Days. Yes. And yet.
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Today one of my dearest friends called me out of the blue, from Israel (where we both flew in 1980, where he stayed). It's a blessing to have a friend who knows Shas like the back of his hand. I asked him about Rabbi Wein's story regarding people being imprisoned with questions, awaiting answers. He told me in the blink of an eye that the pivotal pasuk of the story is interpreted in Nedarim (81a) and in Bava Metziah (85a), stating that The Temple was destroyed because Jews did not say a blessing before studying Torah - but that the story is not there. He said that he once heard Rabbi Chanoch Teller say that he asked Rav Shlomo Zalman if he was allowed to be imaginative and embellish his true stories and that Rav Shlomo Zalman said yes. (I hope that he he didn't apply that psak to his biography of the posek who granted it to him.)

good night

and G-d bless

he typed

wondering

how many times

he'd lived through

typing them before

and about writing

these words

again

he wondered

about so many things.

And Yet.*

G-d please help and bless

me though I know it's what You

do bless me and all

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My poems are my

blankets of protection and

flotation cushions

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Perhaps I shouldn't

be here writing in this space

and yet and yet and

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* Nicole Krauss, in The History of Love, taught me many things, including - but not only - that "and yet" (like "no") can be a full sentence. I cherish "and yet" along with Nicole's inscription, which she wrote after holding back the Barnes and Noble line, asking about me, before signing, "For Neil With Luck And Hope." I sometimes think/know that it's time to make new space on the shelf and let the book go. And yet. How do you let go of, "Once upon a time there was a boy who lived in a house across the field from a girl who no longer exists... They collected the world in small handfuls... Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering...?" You let go if you have to. And yet.-And yet. And yet.

Yeshuat Hashem KeHeref Ayin

Something Rabbi Wein said on Wednesday night keeps bouncing around the walls of my mind. He cited a story via Chazal (if anyone knows where this is I'd appreciate the source) of a Rav who passed by a young imprisoned Jew. He called out to the boy, "Al mah avdah ha'aretz? - Why was the land of Israel destroyed? (Yirmiyahu 9:11). The boy immediately replied, "Al azvam et Torati - Because the Jewish People have forsaken My Torah (Yirmiyahu 9:12). The rabbi rescued the boy who grew up to be the great tanna, Rabbi Yishmael.
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I think that I wrote down Rabbi Wein's take on this almost word for word. He said that people are imprisoned because they have the answer but no-one asks them them the matching question! He applied this to real life in a very specific way, which got me good. He said that, "Important questions are rarely asked in school systems - out of fear. But children know the answers to hard questions - like, 'why marry Jewish?' - and are waiting to be asked so that they can articulate the answer." (He then shared an adorable recollection from his yeshiva days. There was a brilliant boy who paced the Beis Medrah with his Gemorah folded back like a newspaper. He memorized and analyzed every page and would sometimes look up to his peers and wonder aloud, "I have an answer, does anyone have the question!?!") (This brings to mind this outstanding Ebner poem.)
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A lot on my plate

And on the plate of my heart

G-d please, please help me
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The first two lines of the above haiku came out organically in a letter to a friend. The last line is my old standard prayer with one "please" added for haiku purposes. One could read this and worry. No need. Thank you. All is good, thank G-d.

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We each have our internal and external worlds, our wars and battles, our mental and physical health, our housekeeping and hygiene, our endless and and and and and and ands. Or maybe not everyone feels all this - a friend of mine claims that many of the things I say many of us go through are only experienced by few - but I do.

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I write now as I sip my favorite tea, something I all too seldom do. For some reason the debate about Graetz just entered my mind. It's not really much of a debate. In the Orthodox world, he is regarded in quite a negative light - with one very prominent exception.

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Before getting to the exception (I hope the suspense isn't killing you),

the prosecution's case: "In the 19th Century, Heinrich Graetz, a former student of Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, who left Jewish observance and became an "enlightened" one, wrote a magisterial multi-volume of Jewish history in a scientific fashion. Graetz' work became the basis for all subsequent Jewish historiography. Graetz was meticulous in his research and facts. However, his overwhelming antipathy towards Orthodoxy, especially his loathing of the Chasidic movement, colored much of his work. Thus an otherwise accurate work of history became somewhat of a polemic of a false and inaccurate picture of Jewish life, much more dangerous than 'bunk.' (From Rabbi Berel Wein's article, History and "Bunk" ).

In a book that fell under most people's radar, Herman Wouk came out in full force to Graetz's defense, writing, "Graetz was an old fashioned 'narrative historian,' as the condescending critical term goes nowadays, so he sweeps you along in a gigantic tale as absorbing as fiction, yet meticulously true to all the facts known when he wrote."

During this time of national morning we long for redemption. The saying, "Yeshuat Hashem keheref ayin" - "The salvation of G-d comes in the tinkling of an eye" comes to mind. My research shows that this line is not in fact a saying of the Rabbis from the Mishnah or Talmud time. According to A Tzaddik In Our Time (page 368), in the wake of The Six Day War Reb Aryeh Levin quoted these words in the name of Rabbi Yeudah HaLevi. The reference book Michlol Ma'amarim U'Pitgamim, cites the saying as from Minchah LeYehudah (pages 27-28). Anyone have an earlier source for this? l
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"Good night and G-d bless"

He writes, mostly to himself,

Nothing to confess

Helpful Heart of Stone

Yechezkel (36) says that G-d will replace our heart of stone with one of flesh. People take that to mean a black and white move from bad to good when Messianic times arrive. The truth is that in regular life you can't function if your heart is vulnerable all the time, sometimes you need it to be hard to be able to move forward and not crumble from the pain you see/sense. In the time of mashiach we'll be able to handle feeling everything and won't need the protection of a hardened heart. - Rav Simcha Wasserman

"I Stopped Judging Jews A Long Time Ago"

While listening to three speeches last night I wrote notes plus little poems along the margins. Rabbi Berel Wein touched me with his essence, as much, if not more than with his words.

Rabbi Wein seems real

Uses less words than silence

Where the truth resides

How Were Reuvein and Gad Similar To The Meraglim?

Rabbi Berel Wein's Destiny Foundation presented a full evening of Torah talks tonight to usher in the month of Av. Rabbi Chaim Tzvi Wein did the introductions and presented a brief shiur of his own.

He refered to the episode when the tribes of Reuven and Gad ask Moshe to have a specific part of the land, because it would be good for their abundant cattle. Moshe reprimands them and tells them that they are making a terrible mistake, just like the mistake of the meraglim 38 years earlier. It was that mistake that turned the generation that left Egypt into a people waiting to die. The question is - what does the cheit - mistake of the meraglim have to do with the price of tea in China?

As a great social work supervisor (Ruth Rosado) used to tell me when I asked questions, "Think about it." And let me know what you think.

TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE)

If You're A Teacher - Please Watch This (Click For Link)

A few years ago I visited my all time favorite teacher. He told me about an episode of The White Shadow that he noticed listed in TV guide when it premiered. He refused to watch it. The topic was too scary for him. Years later, after he'd left formal education for adult programming, he watched the show from a safe distance.

Today I viewed this piece and it was intense. I don't know that it'll speak to everyone, and I don't know that everyone it speaks to will admit it. I think a good idea for a meaningful school staff meeting would be one that has this video at its center.

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Perhaps a school's teachers should all watch it together, then have about fifteen minutes to write what thoughts and feelings the show brought out for them. Then have a mental health professional talk about the reality portrayed in the episode. (I would not have people read aloud what they wrote or thought, unless it's a very small and very motivated group lest it become a symphony of complaints.) The final step should be a clear and sincere offering of follow up from the guidance and administrative staff to discuss this with teachers one on one.

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This is being posted on Rosh Chodesh Av, a time when we start limiting our simchah, focusing on the fact that we live in an unredeemed world. The Rabbis tell us that the geulah will come due to children's learning. Anyone involved in education is involved in a serious and holy task. May we all be blessed to work on ourselves, teach our children well, and hasten the redemption.

Devarim

See here for 3 past posts on Devarim, all relating to the name and opening lines of the book.

The Nine Days Begin

I am going to try to be focused during The Nine Days on related matters. If you're new to the blog or are unfamiliar with this time period, or are of a different faith, please ask questions - if you're interested - or surf around back-posts.

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In one place the rabbis tell us that this world is like a beautiful banquet hall. On the other hand we're told that this world is compared to darkness. Rabbi Zevulun Charlop answered this question by citing a source who says the following. The world is a beautiful place, but it is covered in darkness. And Torah is the way that we turn on the lights and uncover the true nature of this world.

Quote Unquote

Did unicorns ever exist? If they did, why don't you see them around? C.S. Lewis addresses this issue in a sweet poem that I discovered in Poetry 180. To minimize clutter I will post it in the comments.

Hat tip to Anne who lists this blog as one she likes: the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks. There seems to be an endless flow of signs with words in quotes that are there just to scare you away.

In the Greatest Hits of unnecessary quotes I found this "loving" poem. It's worth a look. What can I say that hasn't been "said before?" Without further ado here's "My Husband's Mother."

Have I Failed A Test?

The previous post was one that I wanted to keep up top for a while. But I can wait no more. My stat counter tells me that the Quinn Cummings interview did get more visitors than usual. I hope some of you will come back again. And I hope you buy Quinn's book. (We discussed an autographed copy give away. Quinn - formerly referred to in this space exclusively as Quinn Cummings - agreed as soon as I brought up the idea. I neglected to mention it in the initial post. If you read this one and comment or email me something that I deem as most worthy to win Quinn's book then she'll mail it to you personally.)
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We are in the midst of The Three Weeks, approaching the start of The Nine Days. It is a time of mourning, a time of reflection, a time for growth. Sigh. It's easy to talk a good game. It's so hard to truly be good - to go the distance.
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I spent five and a half years of my life in Israel (longer if you count six weeks here, three weeks there, ten days here, etc.) I don't know why I'm not there. I hear her calling for me. And let me be clear, when I say her I mean the land of Israel - specifically Jerusalem. j
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Zion cries for me

She knows my soul is with her

She wants my body

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Frank McCourt wrote one rare book. I'm talking about Teacher Man. It is rare in that it paints a full and fair picture of the teaching life. It is also rare in that he addresses head on the lack of appreciation that society has for teachers. I cited from this book here, asked what people thought about the sentiment, received fascinating responses. In another post I cited his answer to the question of what took him so long to write a book: "When you teach five high school classes a day, five days a week, you're not inclined to go home to clear your head and fashion deathless prose. After a day of five classes your head is filled with the clamor of the classroom." I am particularly thankful to RR and Shoshana who commented positively about teaching from the P.O.V. of a teacher and a student respectively.

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Dennis Hamill writes

He bent elbows with McCourt.

Today Frank has died

Will tell no more bar stories

Write no more Pulitzer books

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These words from an editorial in Saturday's NY Daily News caught my eye: "...People who live in Bayside, Queens, know what it means to live somewhere. Home is the place where you occupy a residence, go to and from work and abide with your family."

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I grew up in Bayside Queens. It's the only place my nuclear family ever lived. Mom and Dad, they should live and be well, are still there. It's funny (not ha-ha) to read these words about my little town.

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Have you considered this question? For the inevitable movie about Bernard Madoff, who do you see playing him. One actor is the obvious choice to me based on the pictures I've seen of Bernie. There often seems to be a smirk, and you can't know what to make of it. It might be saying "I seem a little goofy, but I also have plenty of charm, and tremendous drive, and a subtext of sadness, and it would be wise of you to be wary of me." I'm thinking of one popular actor that does that personality better than any other, and I see physical similarities as well. Care to name him?

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Good night and G-d bless

He said, not without unrest

Have we failed a test?

My Interview With Quinn Cummings

Last Wednesday I wrote about Quinn Cummings, her blog, and her book. I said that an interview with this talented writer would appear here soon. I am now reminding you to check out her blog. On the right side of her page you'll see a link to buy the book, which I recommend you do. The link will take you to Amazon, but if you go there from her blog rather than going straight to Amazon, Quinn will earn a few more agurot. I am grateful to Quinn for trusting me with this interview. Enjoy!
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RNF: Perhaps my favorite post of yours was about seeing things in perspective. While it was not religious per se' (I can't believe I just used that term) it fit with what I believe is a major spiritual/Jewish world view. Care to comment? On a related note: is religion relevant to your present life or life story? n
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QC: From a rabbi, I take this as praise, and I thank you. I’m not sure I’m that clever, but maybe the idea of framework, of consciously deciding to change the frame you put around the events of your life to include only those things which you believe matter, is a second cousin to empathy. Because if you can decide to only keep your eye on certain things, maybe you can extend that and try to frame the picture as another person is seeing it. If you’re feeling up to it, you can try to frame the picture as your enemy does. You don’t have to agree with what they see, you certainly don’t have to like it, but if you look at their frame, even for a minute, they aren’t quite as alien anymore. Is religion relevant to me? I like to think I’d be the same person whether I tugged the kid into her good shoes every week or not. But it’s nice to have someone reminding me that I want to be a better person and that it’s my responsibility to be of service, however it is that I define that.
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RNF: I am always impressed by the combination in your writing between serious and funny, that's my favorite kind of personal story telling. Can you share anything about the process? You once blogged about the publishers telling you to be funnier, after the fact, which made it sound like the funny lines have to develop organically. Thoughts?
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QC: Oh, the rewrites. Sometimes, I could find more humor in a moment if I look at the paragraph again; sometimes I couldn’t. This is going to make me sound pompous and I’m reminded of the EB White comment that you can dissect humor in the same way you can dissect a frog, but both lose something in the process, but humor must spring from the truth. And the truth is neither humorous nor serious, but also humorous and serious. If the writer does it right, the reader has the electric shock of “THAT! The thing she just wrote! It’s the truth!” Sometimes, the laugh just comes from the shock. Sometimes, it comes from me writing about my cat. But I don’t write about anything that at some level I don’t seriously believe. This includes my love of toast.
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RNF: I learned from your posts about what foundation is and more about make-up than I needed to know (in the post about a photo shoot for an article). Any comments about the annoyances of make-up? nn
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QC: It’s funny having a daughter at the age where she’s just falling in love with the idea of being female. She cannot imagine why I’m not in the bathroom every morning doing Amy Winehouse cats-eye eyeliner. When walking through a department store she’ll herd me like a border collie in walking shorts over to the red lipstick. Why wouldn’t I want to be just the most feminine thing in the world? What would possess me not to want to play dress-up every day? The only thing I can say is that because of acting, I was in make-up earlier than most people and in order to make someone my coloring not appear to be dead on camera, I wore stuff which had the texture of fondant. I developed both a physical and an emotional allergy to make-up which has remained. I don’t find it annoying or deceptive as much as simply wearying. But the kid is more woman than I’ll ever be and she has both of her parents’ strength of will, so it’s likely I’ll be looking better over the next few years whether I want it or not.
ik n
RNF: Do consort or daughter get upset about being written about? Do you worry about your daughter one day reading your writings? Or your cat? j
n
QC: Consort has the incredible grace to not only find what I write to be funny, but to send the blogs where I goof on him out to his friends. And the kid’s great objection right now is that I won’t let her read the entire book. She’s read two chapters, which is enough. The entire book isn’t for children, and I think reading about herself would add a layer of self-consciousness to her that would be unnecessary and a little abusive on my part. The cat, without ever knowing of the Internet or the publishing world, had already assumed she was world-famous.
on n
RNF: Now that you've gone back to reading Sedaris and co, do you worry that it will influence the follow up book? n
n
QC: I think that every time I think about the phrase “Follow-up book” I laugh and I laugh and then I make a sound like “Yeeesh….” And then I look worried. So I’m guessing the writings of David Sedaris won’t be compromising my work any time soon. n
n
RNF: I've noticed and appreciate that you write in a clean and wholesome way. Is that a conscious decision or just natural? Difficult, or no big deal?
jn nn
QC: At the start of writing this, I made a very conscious choice to work clean. There are a few reasons for that. First, my mother reads my blog. Second, my kid is insanely quiet when she wants to be and has been known to sneak up behind her mother when she’s writing. Third, it’s harder to work clean, but it makes me have to come up with creative ways to describe situations which otherwise could be easily and lazily summed up with any of the big seven obscenities. And finally, I think of my blog as a kind of a party I throw every week and while I know that not everyone is going to like everything I say, I don’t like the idea of insulting a guest with an easily-replaced word. A final thought: if I work clean 99% of the time, the other 1% of the time, the chosen word will have the shocking effect I mean for it to have.
n nn
RNF: Anything you'd like to tell or ask me or my readers? k
n
QC: For those people who have written to me and said, “You’re very funny Quinn, but you’re not that much of a goof, right?” I can only say thank you for the kind words and tell you that two close female friends have read the book and each called me and said, “I remember when that happened!” So yes, I am that much of a goof. ~

Rainbow Zebra

Does the paint program even come with computers anymore? Maybe one day I'll get more comfortable with scanning and will put up ones like this that I've done with pastels.

Gut Vuch And G-d Bless

There was a time when I prided myself on not having a TV. I still do, but it feels less justified. Not having a TV used to mean more time with oneself. Today a computer has moved alongside TV. (There's an email I received years ago that I've looked for online and been unable to find about a house guest who stays briefly at first. Eventually he moves in and becomes a negative influence on the home. At the end it's revealed that the guest is TV. Anyone know where I can find this?)

A friend of mine (half of a couple of friends) recently asked me (in a nice chat the three of us had together) why she gets so anxious from minor situations (like a broken escalator) regarding which the anxiety will not help (which is generally the rule). She came up with a couple of theories on her own, wanting me as a sounding board more than to provide The Answer. One compelling explanation she offered was that anxiety is a distraction. As long as one is busy being upset about the Macy's escalator one doesn't have to look inside or even outside closer to home.

Walking home from Shul tonight I thought about not going online. I recalled a time, not long ago, when going online wasn't an option. Part of me said that to myself, "Self, that was a healthier time." But another part of me said, "You'd have used the time writing in your diary. Now you write on your blog, which one could argue is better" (and of course, one could argue is worse).

David Wolpe writes this week in his "Musings" column,"After listening to his advisers offer him conflicting economic advice Harry Truman burst out in frustration: 'Can someone get me a one handed economist!" Wolpe says that the Greeks gave the world the idea of looking at things on one hand and then the other. Perhaps, like me, you thought that was Tevye's contribution. In any case there are two sides to every question, including the issue at hand of typing online.

I have more to say. I think what I've said so far is the blogging equivalent of a conversation stopper. So I'll so sign off for now.

Good night and G-d bless

He wrote to the world wide web

Wondering who read

It's Time To Say Good Shabbos

"If it's mentionable, it's manageable."

~

- Fred Rogers

I just walked through the door. I have calls to make, food to prepare, a shower to take, and thoughts to express. There's a personality test for you: put those four things in order of importance (it's an essay question so you can/should hypothesize as to the variables that would cause you to rank these items one way or the other).

u

I prefer not to say that my style of sharing here has gotten better or worse. I feel that I've become - generally speaking - more guarded. I now feel like doing a free flow post and then pushing the orange publish button (which a reader once told me doesn't resonate for her as a non blogger). Who's going to stop me?

p

I just returned from Weight Watchers. It's been months, and the woman at the computer told me that I had never been there. The way she was spelling my name (even though they my card with the correct spelling was in their hand) I had never been there. The me spelled correctly has been there many times.

k

The people that sign you in couldn't be less helpful. I experienced inui hadin. Waiting, waiting, waiting, to see the numbers. How can they not get that you want to know what you weigh as soon as possible.

p

I'm up 21 pounds from the last time according to Mr. Computer. It was about 6 months ago but the meeting leader working the desk said she couldn't tell me when I was last there (I was early for weigh in, waited patiently) even though the online info (which this leader told me they at the office know nothing about) says that on Fridays you can weigh in at this branch from 9 AM to 7 PM and that people are available for you to consult with and to help you. I'm down 11 from my joining about 2 years ago, according to the official (minimal) computer printout.

k 9

As I've said here before, I think that there are great life lessons in the Weight Watchers experience. It is not far from mussar, if it is not mussar itself. After I got back on the wagon another time, I wrote this. I like the comments on this one, and pray that they were/are true.

g

And Now...

m

Time to greet the Queen

Time to see my Sabbath Bride

Time for real belief

Time to sanctify my time

Time for forgiveness and peace

Thank You Edie

Be a poet if that's what you claim to be

Be a poet outside of your sad poetry

Be a poet about it

Yeah, work up a sweat

Do everything you have not done yet

Be a poet outside of your sad poetry

~

-Edie Carey

Now

Present Mood

In The Shambles Of His Room Cherubs Sang

The last hour has featured a flurry of little big interactions. There was a lengthy phone exchange with a down and out friend (who never has and probably never will look here and that's the real kind of fine) - but that's not part of this post (oops).

I went outside, sat on a bench near the Beis Medrash. I made contact after a few days of phone tag to say, "Maybe." I left a yes message for Shabbos hosts that wanted to hear either way by today.

I sat on the metal bench half lotus and breathed and breathed. A stranger without a kipah walked by, smiled and then asked in shock, "Where are your legs?" "They're right here," I said in zen-like calm." "Oh, yes they are," he said. He walked on his way turned back, still shook up, apologizing. "It's O.K." I said. I so like it, when really, it is O.K. Then I took a thankful walk across Amsterdam.

In the Beis Medrash I picked my favorite siddur off the shelf, the big blue Kol Yaakov. I sat and davened while aimlessly shuffling pages back and forth for the words that I don't so much read as recite from memory. I saw a hand and then a confident smile and before I knew it, it was over. The fellow on my left grabbed my siddur and placed his red, all Hebrew Artscroll in its place. I looked at him with shock, not permitted to speak. I missed my favorite siddur, felt misunderstood, prayed on. Soon after I wrote a haiku dedicated to all of us who misunderstand.

What you see is not

what you get. It is also

what you do not get.

l

I was greeted at home by an email from a English department colleague saying that he/she hopes we're enjoying margaritas by the pool. Enclosed were some teaching ideas to accompany the margaritas and the pool. I replied in tanka.

l

Oh what an image
"Margaritas by the pool"
Wonder what that's like
Is it like words in silence?
Is it like blogging alone?

,

My phone rang and we confirmed plans for tomorrow night. My mindspring account alerted me to a comment by a fan of Quinn, and to an email asking for my address. The address request was so that a publisher can send me a copy of a soon to be released anthology in which my work appears (yay!). That note asked if I'll be going to the open house book release. It's in Israel. The wives of male authors are invited for tea. The men are welcome to drop off their wives, pick up their book and be on their way. I won't be making it.

;

I logged in to my online poetry class and found two lovely and helpful comments on the poem I submitted. I am feeling a bit stuck in only liking a certain short style of poem. I don't get longer poems.

;

This week we're looking at Adrian Blevins. Oh Zelda wherefore art thou?

;

WITH MY GRANDFATHER

by Zelda

;
Like our father Abraham
who counted stars at night,
who called out to his Creator
from the furnace,
who bound his son
on the altar –
so was my grandfather.
The same perfect faith
in the midst of the flames,
the same dewy gaze
and soft-curling beard.
Outside, it snowed;
outside, they roared:
“There is no justice,
no judge.”
And in the shambles of his room,
cherubs sang
of the Heavenly Jerusalem.

Our Lower Self

Sanhedrin - 91b recounts a dialogue between Antoninus and Rebbe. Antoninus asked when the yetzer hara enters a person. He offered two possible answers: at the moment of the embryo's formation or at birth. Rebbe replied that the yetzer hara is with a person "from formation." Antoninus countered that if the yetzer hara appears at conception then the fetus would kick its way out of the womb. He. therefore, says that it must be that the yetzer hara does not enter until birth. Rabbi Yehuda is convinced by this argument and changes his answer.

Rav Avraham Grodzinski (Toras Avraham 29) questions the logic of this Gemorah. Given that the main thing the yetzer hara wants is pleasure/comfort, why would it break out of the womb where it's all about pleasure and comfort? He explains that it is a mistake to think what the yetzter hara wants is pleasure. The yetzer hara's main drive is to be free and unfettered, to oppose any control and to defy. One of the ways the yetzter hara is unrestricted is by always seeking pleasure, but that is only one example. Even in the absence of pleasure the yetzer hara's number one priority is to be his own master. We see from this Gemora that the yetzer hara would rather die then be confined, being more bothered by being constrained than excited by being in an idyllic setting like the womb.

People are so often self destructive because there is a natural human drive to fight feeling controlled even when this rebellion is not in your best interest. This explains O.D.D.(oppositional defiant disorder) is the most frequent diagnosis of adolescents. This also explains why in today’s climate with such few social restraints the yetzer hara is having a field day.

(based on Rabbi Abraham J Twersky, Prayerfully Yours, On Shma).

Yehi Zichro Baruch

"Shlomo was a musical and spiritual genius, in the realm of King David. Only a barbarian would think that Michael Jackson’s contributions surpassed Reb Shlomo’s by any measure, whatsoever. That Shlomo’s funeral was poorly attended (relative to Jackson’s) and that the Jewish media in 1994 was incapable of recognizing his passing as the loss of a giant, is something this generation will have to explain to history. If any Jewish adult, or anyone’s child, knows more or feels more about Michael Jackson than they do — even all these years later — about Shlomo Carlebach, that is something you ought to wonder about. I miss him still." - Jonathan Mark

The QC Report (Click For Link)

Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I don't have to wonder. Who reads this blog? A year and a half ago I wrote a dense piece here, in which I listed with gratitude some of my known readers (in the post and in the rich potpourri of comments). I said, "Quinn Cummings recently wrote that if you've ever commented on her blog then she's probably looked at yours." If she hasn't looked before she's looking now.

Quinn just came out with a book ( on June 20, 2007 I announced Quinn's book deal, writing: "I am usually dubious when I hear stories about how people became actors or rock stars by getting called out of the blue. The problem is that you can’t count on these things. But they do, occasionally, happen. Well, Quinn Cummings got a call based on her blog. A major publisher wants her to write a book. She couldn’t believe it herself. She deserves it. Go see for yourself and congratulate her here.") and is two weeks into her blog tour. G-d willing, she will be appearing here in the near future.

I am a fan of Quinn's writing. I have quoted her on several occasions. In September '07 I wrote, "In Quinn Cummings' latest post she writes:'Adolescence at its worst is suspecting that everyone knows something you don’t, you look stupid and everyone is laughing at you. Usually, looking back, you realize no one knew anything, you looked fine, and everyone was so worried about their own stuff they didn’t give you a second glance.' I recommend the whole post - which made me laugh out loud."

In January I posted an excerpt (you really have to read the whole thing) from a remarkable post. "Below is an excerpt from a great piece by Quinn Cummings:'Too often, the loudest events which come up in our lives become the most important, even if we don’t really like them or don’t want to make them a priority. The narrative, the picture, becomes one of great movement and activity but we lose the thing at the center of the frame which matters. We find ourselves wondering why an entire week has gone by and everyone we care for has been fed and cared for but we haven’t had a single transcendent moment. Maybe we tell ourselves that feeling a sense of connection to our ultimate goals is too much to ask for on the week the kids go back to school, or we start a new job, or the holidays are upon us. But then when can we ask for it? I need to frame my picture better. I need to move less and think more. I need to start viewing each day as productive not only for how many things I knocked off the 'To-do' list but for the moments when I was truly present and grateful. This I believe.'

Wow.

On July 21, last summer, I wrote On Writing and Laziness (I like that free flowing piece and the four comments from people who aren't me). That post opens with a link to a classic Quinn Cummings post about the difficulty of writing. Part of her book deal was that the essays had to be new. Her blog is filled with at least one book worth of essays, but when opportunity knocks it's best to answer the door.

I am impressed with Quinn's ability to write so much and so well. I look forward to our interview. Stay tuned.

My Life Is A Rainbow Roll

My father - HSLABW - just ordered the shoe organizer mentioned in the excerpt below from a post of 3 months ago. Honestly, this item disappointed me. Still it seems to be all the rage. Don't be the last one on your block to get it.

The girl working the register commented about colors. I looked at what she was placing in the bag and realized she was talking about the Rainbow Roll. I told her the name and she liked that. Then she paused to gaze upon my Space Saving Shoe Organizer that has As Seen On TV stickers on it (I hadn't seen it). The check out girl looked at Shoes Under (Slides Under Bed! Holds 12 Pairs! Great For Closets Too!) as though it were a rare jewel."I'd seen it on TV, but I didn't know it was available in stores already!"It was a pleasant exchange.

I took the twenty minute bus ride home, which due to traffic took an hour and a half. I'm tired. But I'll always have Shop Rite. And soon, Shabbos.

Shadow Poetry (Click For Link)

By James & Marie Summers
m
Hidden within the shadows of night
Poets by the dozens begin to write
Pens, the paintbrush of imagination
Blank paper, a canvas of creation
Verses in rhythm, a rhyming scheme
A poet's life, a written dream
Seeking the light, souls revealed
Sharing of poetry, once concealed
mm
Copyright © 2000

rabbifleischmann.blogspot.com: July 13 Times 4

One year ago today I posted the final instalment of a poem by Rabbi David Ebner. He is a great poet and this is one that struck me. It's called Poemparts.com. Here's an excerpt:

Rabbe Nachman said:

Somewhere,a man is asking a question

but has no answer.

Somewhere,a man is giving an answer

but has no question.

When will they meet?

[

Two years ago on July 13th, I posted about the parsha, which is not this year's parsha till next week - so I'll link to July 12, 2007 - an eclectic post, which touches on Billy Joel's German Jewish heritage and books by Judith Guest.

k

On this date in July, 2006, I did not post. On July 14, 2006 I wrote about how we all have a G-d shaped hole inside us that nothing else can fill because it is a G-d shaped hole.

j

Four years ago today I posted this original poem (when I don't attribute credit elsewhere it means I wrote it):

t

From Blue to Purple

r
Sometimes you sigh

Have a good cry

[

Sometimes it's great

Fulfilling fate

i

Soar through what's hard

Straight to the stars

o

That post received a nice comment from a student from 1996, which has a place in my nachas box.

p

As for 2008, I may post more in time - that's it for now.

Time Takes Time

Insecurity

Prompts us to show what we know

When it's not our turn

When someone else has the stage

It makes us look quite foolish

p

This tanka style poem is not about this post or about my blog in general. I embrace comments here. And I am (some say too) happy to take questions and comments when I teach.

l

I have caught myself and others speaking out of turn, looking to hear our own voices, to remind the world we exist. Sometimes it's good to simply listen until our turn to speak comes along. "Ein lechah adam she'ein lo sha'ah."

i

Are we all "thank G-d?"

Are we exactly the same

Under the headline?

o

That was inspired by this funny feeling I get when I exchange "how are you"s with someone and we each say, "Thank G-d."

;

King David said it

That, "For You silence is praise"

But we prefer words

We flee from intense silence

We fear that intimacy

;

I thought of this one night during davening, wondering how pleased Hashem is with our hacksaw like mumbling of prayer.

;

I hope that everyone is having a good day. I keep getting asked how my summer is going. I still feel connected to work, not fully separated. Time takes time.

Regarding Nechamah

We try to emulate those we admire, while at the same time recreating them in our own image. This is apparent in the many Rav Soloveichiks that co-exist in the memories of his students. I see this in the personal Nechamas that people her students hold on to. My Nechama was someone who learned from life and spoke about life in an anecdotal, simply profound manner.

I hope to share more of her stories soon.

I am uncomfortable with the way that my recent comments for Lookjed came out. What I had seen as an early draft ended up being printed as they were because the time had come. I am going to post a cleaned up version as the first comment here.

Remembering Nechamah

I was asked by Rabbi Shalom Berger to comment on an article by Yael Unterman that he posted on Lookjed. I read and then thought and then started writing. I entered magnum opus mode. I kept spinning ideas and sent in some to Shalom, which he posted. It's only part done, my mind - kind of ends in the middle. Once I started I kind of want to do the other part - about Nechamah as a story teller and about things I do in my classrooms and out that relate to the article.

For now I'll write some thoughts here at home base.

Years ago (when life seemed to move slower) I spent five years in Israel. I was blessed to be in Nechama Leibowitz’s class during that time, and more than the scholarship what I hope I’ll never forget is Nechamah's humanity. Nechamah used anecdotes liberally and was a master story teller.

On a hot summer day two men wait an inordinate time wait at a bus stop. One turns to the next and says, “Sure is hot, isn’t it?” If the second guy responds, “yes” then he hasn’t done right. The translation of the first man’s words is – let’s talk. To misunderstand that is a social crime. Her point was that when learning Torah we must recognize that direct translation betrays true meaning which hides in the subtext. The way she made the point was so human that the story became a thing itself.

I don't recall the context in which she told this next one. Nechamah was standing at an outside Chupah and next to her were two little girls. She overheard as one explained to the other what a wedding was all about: "Exactly nine months from tonight they will have a baby!" she explained, as if it was that simple.

Yaakov asked to be saved from being killed, also to be saved from killing. Nechamah told of a student that visited her after his army service. He was different, she could tell. After a while he told her what changed. He'd killed a man and would never be the same. He was in a tank and an enemy tank approached. He thought, how can I kill? And then - if I don't kill, I'll be killed. All this, in a split second. And he killed a man.

Nechamah told a story, which she tied in with VaYeirah, of a man who loved symphonies. She described a unique opportunity the man had to hear a live performance of a symphony orchestra in his apartment: The concert begins and the doorbell rings. Realizing it may be someone in need the man goes to the door, abandoning his beloved music. It's his neighbor. He wants to borrow a cup of sugar. The man happily fetches the sugar and wishes his acquaintance well. He sits back down with his symphony and the bell rings once more. His neighbor wants to know, if it's not too much trouble, if he could spare two eggs. No problem. He gets the eggs. He gives the guy the eggs. He sits back down and the needy fellow is at the door again. This keeps happening. With a smile, our hero provides the man with what he wants each time. He doesn't get to hear the symphony because he put helping another human being over his greatest personal pleasure of the symphony.

Nechamah used this anecdote to explain the extraordinary greatness of Avraham. His symphony was G-d, and it was playing in his home. And he let go of his pleasure, G-d's visit, to take in hungry, tired travelers. The Medrash comments "Gadol Hachnasat Orchim MaiKabalat Penai HaShechina" - "Taking in guests is greater than receiving the Divine Presence." I like the way Nechama said it with a story.

I Believe Him

National fast days are more about us than about me. And yet. You have to be one before you can be two - let alone millions. I spent part of my day taking in a talk by Rabbi Abraham Twerski on his own struggle with self esteem. Here's my synopsis of his presentation:

Rabbi Abraham Twerski puts it simply; Freud believed that the major instinct in man is that of pleasure seeking and survival. During my social work training I once heard a chilling account by a suicide prevention worker of what he described as a common phenomenon: (WARNING- GRAPHIC IMAGE) finding that someone who took their own life had their hand in the noose, indicating that at the last moment the person's desire to live piped up.

Later in life, according to Rabbi Twerski, Freud addressed the opposite instinct which lives inside all of us - a self destructive inclination. His theory is that elements of low self esteem are ubiquitous because they are part of the self destructive tendency(running counter to the desire to survive which is also inside us all) that rests in every person. Rabbi Twerski feels strongly that the natural human inclination toward self destruction is at the root of delusional feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. He is of the opinion that these tendencies are - to varying and extents (I think of it like this; we all breathe, but we don't all hyperventilate) - lurking in us all.

Rabbi Twerski tells the story of how early in his career he went to a spa. He sat in the hot tub for ten minutes, but had an excruciating time enduring the mandated 25 minutes. Later, he spoke to a colleague who told him that there's a difference between diversion and relaxation. True relaxation, his psychiatrist friend told him, is being able to be comfortably alone with yourself. When you dislike someone you don't enjoy being alone in a room with them, and this is particularly true regarding ourselves. Diversions, ways to plug in to something outside of ourselves, become increasingly popular, as people seem to be less and less comfortable with themselves.

He makes no secret about his fondness for Alcoholics Anonymous (I once heard him surprise a filled Shul during an Ellul talk when he told the crowd to "fake it till you make it.") He believes that he built up his self esteem (he has gone back to that spa and can now sit in the tub for 25 minutes sans antsiness) through his participation in the 12 steps program. One of the steps requires that we make "a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." When Rabbi Twerski presented his list to his sponsor he was told that what he'd composed was not an inventory but a chimney sweep. He had only written negative things about himself, not missing any mistake he'd ever made! After being in the program for about two years he came to think better about himself and realized that low self esteem had existed within him without his knowing it.

He recalls that in grade school he'd brag about himself, even making things up. As he grew older he was extremely reactive to any kind of criticism. He simply couldn't tolerate even constructive criticism - and certainly not embrace it -because it re-enforced his perception of himself as inadequate. He says that he felt hatred toward anyone who criticized him because he didn't want people exposing him for what he thought he really was. He was convinced that there was nothing about him that people should like and that if people truly got to know him they would reject him. He (without realizing it) found his fear of rejection so painful that he went out of his way to ingratiate himself to people. He became a people pleaser because he feared that if he didn't do what people wanted of him then they would like him less. This was costly to himself and to his family because he put an inordinate of time and energy into protecting his fragile ego. He also became devastated by any brush up against a natural and necessary part of life called failure.

He once gave a continuing education course to 110 therapists. Six weeks later he received the reports for his perusal. They were all glowing...except for ONE. He felt depressed and crushed for 3 weeks because of this one negative comment from one person. Eventually he realized that 109 to 1 is a great ratio and that there was no way to know if there was any merit to what that one person said (maybe he was just having a bad day or was a sour person in general).

His outer reality was that he was successful and good and even he saw that on a rational level. It would have been hard to guess how he felt about himself. The outer accomplishments did not mitigate the inner delusions which seriously affected his behavior. He was unaware of his inner feelings regarding himself and the things he did to try to compensate for his feelings. No-one saw it and if they did , they didn't tell him.

Today he is more comfortable with himself. He says he has manuscripts that get rejected, sometimes by 15 publishers, and it doesn't bother him the way it used to. He feels secure about himself and his work. He is no longer the people pleaser he was; he is no longer incapable of saying no. He now welcomes constructive criticism as necessary for him to continue to grow. Having gained self esteem life has become more comfortable.

It was not an easy process for him to change feelings that had built up over 38 years. He started to view life with an awareness of this perception and things improved. He realized that things had improved when he first went back to the hot springs and was able to sit for twenty five minutes and enjoy it (and not run after ten minutes to ask the facilitator if he could leave). Based on his own experience he suggests a test for people who wonder where they are at in terms of self esteem. His suggestion is to pull down the shades and unplug the music, turn off the cell phones, etc, and sit and breathe quietly in a nice chair - and see how long you last.

He says that anyone who wishes to work on their self perception must realize that it is not easy work, and the nature of the work is that it never ends, but it's worth it.

I am writing these words with a few minutes left to Shiva Asar Be'Tamuz. May we be blessed to strengthen our selves, and become stronger as a people and as a world. And may we hasten redemption.