I Believe Him

National fast days are more about us than about me. And yet. You have to be one before you can be two - let alone millions. I spent part of my day taking in a talk by Rabbi Abraham Twerski on his own struggle with self esteem. Here's my synopsis of his presentation:

Rabbi Abraham Twerski puts it simply; Freud believed that the major instinct in man is that of pleasure seeking and survival. During my social work training I once heard a chilling account by a suicide prevention worker of what he described as a common phenomenon: (WARNING- GRAPHIC IMAGE) finding that someone who took their own life had their hand in the noose, indicating that at the last moment the person's desire to live piped up.

Later in life, according to Rabbi Twerski, Freud addressed the opposite instinct which lives inside all of us - a self destructive inclination. His theory is that elements of low self esteem are ubiquitous because they are part of the self destructive tendency(running counter to the desire to survive which is also inside us all) that rests in every person. Rabbi Twerski feels strongly that the natural human inclination toward self destruction is at the root of delusional feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. He is of the opinion that these tendencies are - to varying and extents (I think of it like this; we all breathe, but we don't all hyperventilate) - lurking in us all.

Rabbi Twerski tells the story of how early in his career he went to a spa. He sat in the hot tub for ten minutes, but had an excruciating time enduring the mandated 25 minutes. Later, he spoke to a colleague who told him that there's a difference between diversion and relaxation. True relaxation, his psychiatrist friend told him, is being able to be comfortably alone with yourself. When you dislike someone you don't enjoy being alone in a room with them, and this is particularly true regarding ourselves. Diversions, ways to plug in to something outside of ourselves, become increasingly popular, as people seem to be less and less comfortable with themselves.

He makes no secret about his fondness for Alcoholics Anonymous (I once heard him surprise a filled Shul during an Ellul talk when he told the crowd to "fake it till you make it.") He believes that he built up his self esteem (he has gone back to that spa and can now sit in the tub for 25 minutes sans antsiness) through his participation in the 12 steps program. One of the steps requires that we make "a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." When Rabbi Twerski presented his list to his sponsor he was told that what he'd composed was not an inventory but a chimney sweep. He had only written negative things about himself, not missing any mistake he'd ever made! After being in the program for about two years he came to think better about himself and realized that low self esteem had existed within him without his knowing it.

He recalls that in grade school he'd brag about himself, even making things up. As he grew older he was extremely reactive to any kind of criticism. He simply couldn't tolerate even constructive criticism - and certainly not embrace it -because it re-enforced his perception of himself as inadequate. He says that he felt hatred toward anyone who criticized him because he didn't want people exposing him for what he thought he really was. He was convinced that there was nothing about him that people should like and that if people truly got to know him they would reject him. He (without realizing it) found his fear of rejection so painful that he went out of his way to ingratiate himself to people. He became a people pleaser because he feared that if he didn't do what people wanted of him then they would like him less. This was costly to himself and to his family because he put an inordinate of time and energy into protecting his fragile ego. He also became devastated by any brush up against a natural and necessary part of life called failure.

He once gave a continuing education course to 110 therapists. Six weeks later he received the reports for his perusal. They were all glowing...except for ONE. He felt depressed and crushed for 3 weeks because of this one negative comment from one person. Eventually he realized that 109 to 1 is a great ratio and that there was no way to know if there was any merit to what that one person said (maybe he was just having a bad day or was a sour person in general).

His outer reality was that he was successful and good and even he saw that on a rational level. It would have been hard to guess how he felt about himself. The outer accomplishments did not mitigate the inner delusions which seriously affected his behavior. He was unaware of his inner feelings regarding himself and the things he did to try to compensate for his feelings. No-one saw it and if they did , they didn't tell him.

Today he is more comfortable with himself. He says he has manuscripts that get rejected, sometimes by 15 publishers, and it doesn't bother him the way it used to. He feels secure about himself and his work. He is no longer the people pleaser he was; he is no longer incapable of saying no. He now welcomes constructive criticism as necessary for him to continue to grow. Having gained self esteem life has become more comfortable.

It was not an easy process for him to change feelings that had built up over 38 years. He started to view life with an awareness of this perception and things improved. He realized that things had improved when he first went back to the hot springs and was able to sit for twenty five minutes and enjoy it (and not run after ten minutes to ask the facilitator if he could leave). Based on his own experience he suggests a test for people who wonder where they are at in terms of self esteem. His suggestion is to pull down the shades and unplug the music, turn off the cell phones, etc, and sit and breathe quietly in a nice chair - and see how long you last.

He says that anyone who wishes to work on their self perception must realize that it is not easy work, and the nature of the work is that it never ends, but it's worth it.

I am writing these words with a few minutes left to Shiva Asar Be'Tamuz. May we be blessed to strengthen our selves, and become stronger as a people and as a world. And may we hasten redemption.