Havel?
The latest Havel Havalim - started by an old college classmate, continued by a co-blogger and commenter - is out. You can read it here. It's humbling how many fellow writers are out there. I ecourage you to explore.
I just wrote this, pondering the paragraph above. It came to me quickly. If I had to whittle it down to one stanza, I'd pick the third one - as is. Feel free to critique and comment, to question, to care:
Blog Spot
.
So many writers,
so many souls,
so many secrets .
holed up
inside.
.j
So many lifetimes, .
so many rides,
so much music
from deep .
inside.
.h
So many things
so much pain
so much soil
begging rain
inside.
posted by rabbi neil fleischmann @ 8:19 AM
12 Comments:
Just looking at the third stanza, I like the end, but don't like the non-specific "things," and don't equate pain with soil. I would edit it thus:
So many roots
so much thirst
so much soil
begging rain
inside.
Thanks very much K. I agree with you about things - was hoping for something more specific... Was considering prayers... Roots is good, maybe I'll take that if you'll gift it to me... I feel pretty strongly about pain and kind of like the way it breaks the literalness and sameness of everything being one metaphor - come to think of it, that's a bit of a drawback of roots...
I can see why you'd like to break up the metaphor, but it should be a parallel idea IMO. What I don't like about pain is its disconnect from soil and rain (even though it rhymes). That's what I liked about thirst; it evokes the idea of deep need, without going so far as pain. How about this?
So many lives
so much thirst
so much soil
begging rain
inside.
Or, if you can lose "so many,":
Such dark music
so much thirst
so much soil
begging rain
inside.
The muse has now departed.
Maybe because I am always beating down my own tendency to see the glass as half empty, I particularly like your second stanza:
So many lifetimes,
so many rides,
so much music
from deep
inside.
As I read it, spontaneously an image of an enormous choir came into my mind -- a world of people melding their voices in the song of life. A rich, sometimes discordant song in both minor and major keys.
(Block that metaphor? Hey, it's Monday morning, and I gave up drinking coffee last week, so my brain isn't quite started yet.) ;-)
Thanks Kishke and Anne. I'm so glad this one got you thinking and brought out responses.
Kishke - I appreciate your imput. I'm going to let it sit. I can be stubborn - we'll see what happens as it sits. But if I was a betting man, I'd bet on it staying more or less as is, except for the possible change of things to prayer and maybe add in roots...
Anne - Not sure what you meant by "block that metaphor." I liked that image. I think it may not be a metaphor, we all really are singing the song called "I Am."
Good luck with kicking coffee. I have never done coffee. It's been about fifteen years since I've done cafeine. I don't like what it does to me and what happens after it's done. It makes me feel/stay up and then I crash. So I keep away...
So many lifetimes,
so many rides,
so much music
from deep
inside.
I agree, I particularly enjoyed that.
Sure, let it sit.
Your poem is beautiful.
I wonder how the third stanza would read if another word replaced things in: "So many things". What do you think?
Maayan
I think I'm liking it this way:
So many prayers
so much pain
so much soil
begging rain
inside.
Thanks Kishke for the dailogue throughout and thanks Maayan for weighing in. Thanks to Jack and Anne, again for your comments.
Drafts are like boat rides
Great to sail along with friends
Gently in the rain
Like my boat rides dry
Hot sun beating down on us
Friends and family
Prayers is perfect! And love the "drafts as boat rides . . . great to sail along with friends" image.
Maayan
Kishke -
You can't control rain
So you might as well love both
The sun and the rain
Maayan -
I love having friends
to ride along and read drafts
of writing and life
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